Tuesday 5 April 2011

Round 4: Overheard (mX): NRL Edition

As indicated by strong crowds, excellent ratings and surging membership levels, the NRL’s popularity continues to make solid progress in the increasingly competitive marketplace. As a result, mX, the tabloid newspaper distributed at train stations, has decided to incorporate the NRL into Overheard. This is the section where humorous, idiotic and/or weird discussions are overheard and then submitted by readers for general entertainment.

Below is an exclusive preview of today’s mX Overheard: NRL Edition.

“I told the boys my ticker can’t take these close games anymore. I got rid of the crazy shirt and tie combination, but most importantly, now they’re playing well and we’re on the way to an easy win here. No red face, no heart attack on the way…..oh well, Manly just scored again, but we’re fine…..geez, another try (deep breaths) oh well ok, it’s only a few minutes to go…..I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, he knocks this goal over and it’s Golden Point!!!!! The kick is up……beeeeeeeeep” John Lang, Souths coach

After a slow start to the season, Souths look to be on the right track. But still….they probably should have won quite well against a brave Manly team, which was hit by late injuries, and an eighteen point lead with not long to go suggested a comfortable win wasn’t for off. However, Manly have shown their resilience in the last few weeks and somehow surged back into the game. Young Cherry-Evans’ late conversion attempt was unsuccessful, which was a shame for the neutrals, but probably the right outcome for the game, as Souths was mostly dominant.

Next up for Souths are the weakened Tigers; if any opposition coach can relax John Lang’s heart, it is Tim Sheens, who Lang has not lost to since 1994.

“How good is this game? It’s given me a job for years despite sweet fa amounts of success. If I coached until 2025, I’d probably still never win a final. But I’m a weirdly nice guy and enough people like me so they overlook my bizarre tactics. Adrian Purtell would struggle for a run in most reserve grade teams, but he plays first grade for me week in and week out. But as long as Petero and Luke Lewis like me, I’m here for a while yet. Sweeeeeeeeet!” Matt Elliott, Penrith coach

Brisbane has quietly put together a nice run in the early part of the NRL season so far, but taking on the schizophrenic Panthers is not easy. Even the uber-professional Melbourne Storm couldn’t put in a strong effort against a team coming off an embarrassing defeat (last Monday night) and no-one does embarrassing defeats in 2011 like Penrith does.

At half-time, Penrith had the lead and another massive bounce-back for them looked possible, but Brisbane slowly took control; Purtell again ensured collective head-shaking from Penrith supporters, while the idiotic Michael Jennings gave away another dumb penalty to extend Brisbane’s lead to 8.

As the game ticked down to 3 minutes remaining and Brisbane led by 8, some might have remembered 2007 in Round 3, when Penrith forced Golden Point – and went on to win – in Brisbane in a similar predicament. But this was never going to happen with Penrith’s make-shift playmakers; Brisbane recorded their third successive win fairly easily.

“Hey mate, hands up, Daddy will pass you the ball”
“You threw it on the roof, you idiot”

“Matt dear, I’ll gently give this priceless Ming vase to you, can you put it in the corner?”
“Sure honey….SMASH!”
Matt Awful doesn’t just let down his team-mates.

After three straight losses to start the season, the Gold Coast Titans put in far more effort on Saturday afternoon against Canberra, but with one minute left in regulation time, they were still 6 points down and not in possession of the ball. Canberra again struggled to get anywhere near their best, but a win was within reach.

Incredibly, the Titans had possession of the ball less than 10 (game) seconds later. Matt Awful botched a task even he can normally complete most of the time: putting the ball into a scrum and successfully picking it up once it exits the scrum.

It was messy, but the Titans ultimately scored to send the game to extra time, where they were gifted attacking field position by an inexplicable Blake Ferguson error. At least Ferguson has talent and potential and shouldn’t be taken out and shot.

“Oh NOOOOOOO they’re gonna score….Oh COME ON HINDY, COME ON HINDY…..WHAT A TACKLE!!!! OHHHHH HINDY…..AND HE STOLE THE BALL AS WELL…..HINDYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! HINDYYYYYYY!!!! HINDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” Tuesday Roast tipster and Eels (and Nathan Hindmarsh) fanatic Brad Chard to whoever was unfortunate enough to be within earshot.

Many expected little from the clash between Parramatta and North Queensland on Saturday night, but instead, it was one of the better games of the season so far. Parramatta was coming off two resounding defeats and gave a much better account of themselves, but the Cowbores also played very well, further damaging what was once undisputed fact in NRL circles: that backing up from a Monday night game to a Saturday night game, especially away from home, is near impossible. While the Cowbores ultimately lost this game, they showed no signs of fatigue or greater than normal tiredness resulting from last Monday night.

While there were some stars in the backlines, such as Luke Burt, Feral Thurston, Kalifa Fai Fai Loa and Jarryd Hayne, it was the forwards clash which excited supporters the most. Matt Scott and Parramatta’s Tim Mannah collided with a vicious intensity time and time again, Dallas Johnson had another excellent game leading the Cowbores, while Carl Webb turned back the clock at least five years – and the scales at least 20 kilograms – with some damaging runs.

However, it was Parramatta’s Hindmarsh who left the greatest mark on this game. Apart from his usual effort of numerous hit-ups and tackles, his trio of try or near-try saving efforts will be remembered for years to come, with his incredible tackle and steal from Glenn Hall one of the best ever.

With that said, Parramatta still found themselves behind in the game’s dying minutes, but they, perhaps somewhat controversially, found a try via Luke Burt. Burt’s sideline conversion was the difference between the teams in an entertaining game.

“Bro, it’s up to us, this is why they brought us here, we’ve had a slow start and now I’m back at five-eighth and it’s my time to shine! You’ll see it all today, my friend, offloads from every possible angle, two hands, one hand, half a hand, one hand after loop de loop. Ivan will love me so much after this, and you’ll score 5 tries from my offloads bro” Feleti Mateo to also-ex-Eel Krisnan Inu; Mateo has….extreme confidence (to put it nicely) in his ability.

After a slow start, the New Zealand Warriors produced a strong second half showing to overwhelm the gutsy but patchy Cronulla Sharks on Sunday. The Warriors adjusted their line-up, brought in extra size at most positions and physically dominated Cronulla, but it was not until midway through the second half that they got on top.

This was largely due to a quite high error count, many of which came from the highly talented but not very discretionary Feleti Mateo. One feels he would probably be better off in a magic show, where his sleight of hand and quick hands could entertain kids and parents alike, as opposed to aging his coaches rapidly with his high-risk game.

Ultimately, Mateo set up two tries, but Warriors’ coach Ivan Cleary would be far from the first to ask whether Mateo’s skills are worth the anguish.

“Geez… that’s why I’m leaving, right there. My dead grandmother would have made a better attempt than that overpaid so-and-so. So would have Jeremy Smith’s pinkie finger. Sob…I miss you Jeremy.” Wayne Bennett says more than he will ever say to media after Mark Gasnier provided Newcastle’s Cory Patterson a saloon passage across the try-line on Sunday.

“I dunno, it might be time for a new banner. No-one even gets the GST sign anymore. Wayne, what do you reckon?”
“No, you should keep it, it’s got tradition now”
“Yeh, I agree, great call Uncle Wayne!!!!!”

Wayne Bennett and the famous Dragons supporter discuss the famous Dragons banner…with some unsurprising input from Dragons lackey Darius Boyd.

It might be a new season and an improved stadium, but Newcastle’s opponents on Sunday were the same as those seen at their final home game of 2010: St George Illawarra. And amazingly, this game went in a quite similar fashion to that from last August: Dragons out to a strong lead, Knights launch a furious comeback, backed by a boisterous home crowd, but fall just short.

While Mark Gasnier helped set up one of the Dragons’ tries (in the first half), his attempted tackle on Cory Patterson in the second half was pathetic. How Gasnier believes he is anywhere near representative selection borders on delusional; even Ben Hornby’s ‘retirement’ from representative matches last year wasn’t as far-fetched. Bennett will never admit it, but the return of Gasnier probably played a significant role in his leaving the Dragons at the end of this season. Unless Bennett signs with Souths, that is. Ok ok, enough of the Bennett circus for now.

“Geez, sorry mate, but I’m just thankful you weren’t Tonie Carroll”
“Nah, I’m sorry too mate and I’m thankful you weren’t a booze bus”

Referee Tony Archer (referring to the sickening collision between other referee Tony Des Las Heras and Tonie Carroll from 2009) and Roosters’ five-eighth Todd Carney share apologies after their collision on Sunday.

The Rugby League Gods have been unkind to the Wests Tigers in recent weeks. They already had a significant injury list, which increased last week with the major additions of Lawrence and Tuqiri and had the bad fortune to run into a Roosters team due for a win on Sunday. The Roosters, not surprisingly, came ready for a big game and were very confident after their success over the Tigers in 2010.

While the Tigers had some very good chances and, on the whole, played quite well, they were no match for the Roosters, who had the better of this game, especially with their fast and hard-hitting defence. The Tigers also suffered with Robbie Farah’s dad being a late substitute for the perennial……wait…..that was actually Robbie Farah himself, and not a 60-year-old man?! You could have fooled me.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHH what’s happened to this game? Young Goodwin, why didn’t you dive on the ball? Who cares if you were offside?! You dive on the ball, then sneak a sly right hook on his jaw when he’s not looking. That’s the Bulldogs way. Just ask Andrew Farrar. See, Cronk knows what to do. Take a massive dive, get the penalty. Turvey would be proud of you son.” Peter ‘Bullfrog’ Moore laments from beyond the grave how the game has changed.

Before this game, the Bulldogs sat alone on top of the ladder but they had a fairly friendly opening to the season. Playing their first away game, in Melbourne on a Monday night, was going to test them far more than they had been tested.

Despite Goodwin’s stupidity mentioned above, the Bulldogs settled down after a tough start and probably would have led 10-8 nearing half time were it not for Cronk’s great acting job and subsequent conning of video referee Chris Ward. After the ensuing penalty and excellent set of tackles, Melbourne instead was next to score – it was, even at this early stage, game over. The Storm ran away with a comfortable victory.

See you next week.

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