Tuesday 14 April 2009

Round 5: He Died For The Sins Of His Contemporaries: NRL Confessions

On a weekend where the Jesus of Manly was resurrected on Sunday (after being crucified for the sins of his teammates on a Friday), it seems appropriate to focus this week’s Roast on sins in the NRL. Relaying confessions of sins may be sacrosanct but given the extent of overconsumption of wine by Jesus of Manly and his Apostles, this sin doesn’t seem so bad. With that, we pick up action from the NRL confessional booth early on Saturday morning…

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Tell me your sin, my son.

It is just over five years since my last confession and I am afraid I have committed a similar sin once again. I am the new coach of an NRL team in the west of Sydney. I am known for my hardline, disciplinarian approach and I have had problems with players before, but I think I went too far this time.

Every good relationship has its problems.

I know that father, but I can’t seem but rub people the wrong way. I had a disagreement with one of our leading players, one thing led to another and now is he gone from the club. I thought we had enough talent in other areas, but our game last night….we tried hard, but we have nothing. I still believe in my coaching ability but our club could be well off the pace for sometime.

There there, my son, one man rarely makes a team.

Yep, that’s what he told me. Hi Rev!

Oh hi Denis. You know I should probably set up a confessional exclusively for you.

Anyway, Denis told me they had a similar situation a few years back, let the guy go where he wanted and then the team was back on top the next season. But this guy wasn’t a halfback.

Very true, my son. Since you are new here and not the ‘brains’ of the operation, say two hail marys and that will be fine, but Denis, what were you thinking?? I’ve already cursed your club since 1986 and getting rid of your halfback should mean a few more years of pain: I’m not sure what else I can do. But I am sure I will you see again soon…


It was a tough night for Parramatta on Good Friday. To their credit, they did put in a much-improved effort, but the Dragons were quite comfortable (save for one or two anxious moments) in holding them out and once they put a few tries on the board, Parramatta was justified in allowing their head to fall. The effort was maintained for the remainder of the game, but they had no chance of winning after the half-hour mark.

*Snoring*

Hello? Who is there?

What hey…*rubs eyes*…where am I? Who are you?

This is a confessional booth, but most importantly who are you? And exactly how much have you had to drink?

I’m Superman hahaha nah I coach a NRL team, the Roosters. We’re garn ok. And I lost count of how much I drunk after all those drugs we did! It sure was a gooooooooooood Friday maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate hahahaha.

Sir, do you have a sin to confess? If not, then get out!

What is this, Glebe Cop Shop? Hahaha. But nah, actually mate you raise a good point. Mate, I can’t believe I’m a coach. I haven’t got a clue. The game came pretty easy to me on the field but…coaching is so hard. At first it was so easy, everything went my way, but now…it’s tough and I don’t really know why. But I think most people still think I’m pretty good, or at least that I know what I’m doing.

Well my son, admitting your deficiencies is the first step. Man management is a significant part of coaching and from what I gather, this is not as much of a weakness as your tactical acumen. I do know that you have access to some of the best coaching talent not currently employed in the game. I think you need to utilise this on a more consistent basis.

But also, your youthfulness as a coach is an issue I believe, as it was for a Nathan I once knew. He had similar issues to yourself and slowly grew into his role, but had to seek employment in England. Perhaps you need to consider this.

I’ll give it some thought mate, cheers for that. What’s that?....Hey mate, this snake just offered me some fruit, it tastes great you want some??


While Roosters coach Brad Fittler may not be the sharpest tool in the shed and his team has probably fallen back somewhat from the NRL’s elite teams, the Roosters eventually gave a fairly good account of themselves on Friday night against Brisbane. That said, a close loss was probably the best they could have hoped for (unless Brisbane was right off their game).

Brisbane did show a few signs of still being affected by the physical beating they received from the Dragons last round and took a little while to get going, but once they did, they were always just too good for the Roosters.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Tell me your sin, my….oh, hello Paul.

G’day Rev. Yeh I know, I’m back here again, but I was angry again last week and cost myself two matches on the sidelines.

Paul, Paul, Paul. Misplaced anger can be tough to overcome, but you’re supposed to be a leader now.

Yeh I know, I know. And even worse, I reckon I cost Cronulla a win. Canberra was off their game and a bit tired and dead set we gifted them two tries in the second half. I’m the leader of the team and of the defence, I would’ve made sure we didn’t concede those two soft tries!

Paul, I can see you’re sincere and I can also see a time when your passion is almost entirely channelled towards your cause and not used in anger, but for now, I would like you to…go to Adelaide for the rest of this week! BUHUHUHAHAHAHAHA!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


While the final scoreline showed a 24-14 win to Canberra and a high error count for both teams, realistically this was a game Cronulla should have won. Canberra gave Cronulla a lot of ball in good field position, but Cronulla scored several well-worked tries. Canberra, on the other hand, scored two tries from short dummy-half runs: a cardinal sin (hohoho) in today’s game.

Cronulla has a home game in Round 6 but have chosen to play the Cowbores in Adelaide. While cynics might say the crowd in Adelaide could be higher than at Fairweather Park (Cronulla’s home ground), you’d think Cronulla would likely get the win playing at Woolooware. They desperately need it otherwise Gallen’s return in 2 weeks could count for little.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Tell me….wait, a Storm player? Bellamy hasn’t programmed you to be able to sin for years!

I know, I know, but we just suck so bad right now. I’m supposed to be the face of the game, but I’m struggling with injury and can hardly get into a sprint. I have to play though, Bellamy (and Gallop) won’t give me even a training session off. The salary cap has drained us of so much depth, if it wasn’t that we fired up a bit against Penrith, we would have lost again! ARGH it’s so frustrating (Bellamy is just absolutely filthy with us like all the time), I am so envious of a team like the Dragons, that’s who we used to be like!

Ahh the sin of envy. You need to keep faith my son (you and Mr Slater, who also seemed very frustrated at times against Penrith). Your new players are somewhat green, but will be very good in time. Sustained dominance in the NRL is extremely difficult to achieve. It will be a more difficult few years than you’re used to, but keep the faith my son, and you will be fine.


While Melbourne still have most of their superstar players from previous years, the loss of many of their excellent second-level players (and a few early season injuries) has seen them come right back to the pack. Their loss to the Gold Coast last week was a circa 2005 Storm effort and despite their intensity being much higher against Penrith, it appeared Melbourne was a high chance of losing consecutive games at home: this has been unthinkable in recent years.

Melbourne did fight hard and held on for the win, but Penrith gave them a real fright. Were it not a terrible pass with a second try to start the game on offer and a dubious forward pass call late in the game, Penrith would likely have taken the points (and given me a full round in the process).

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Hello Johnathon. Sprayed with mace again I see?

Yeh, but not by a chick this time. I’ve been sprayed at so much now that I’m hooked on the stuff, so I spray myself a few times a day. Anyway, yeh, Neil Henry told me to come by and see you cos I can’t count.

You can’t count? That’s not a sin, my son. I can arrange for the adult learning centre to send someone to you if need be.

Nah, we tried that remember and the AVO says I can’t see her anymore.

Ah yes.

Anyway, we was down 8 on Saturday night to the Gold Coast and we got a few penalties but I never even thought of taking the penalty goal to get us to 6 then going for the try and golden point.

To be fair, my son, few teams have grasped that being 8 points behind means you can eliminate the deficit with one converted try and one penalty goal and not have to score two tries. You are forgiven.


North Queensland struggled in the first half on Saturday night against the Gold Coast and found themselves down 12-nil at half-time. They cut this deficit to 8 points midway into the half and continued to dominate field position (although rarely stretching the efficient Titans defence) but never considered taking a penalty goal that was offered on several occasions. Their predictable attack was repelled by the Gold Coast until a late Feral try that came too late to allow one final chance at victory.

On the whole though, this was another well-deserved win by the Gold Coast. While most teams have lost experience since last season, Gold Coast’s older players are still at the club and play a vital role in giving this team structure and guidance. Whether this team’s advanced age will continue to be an asset remains to be seen, but they are the pleasant surprises of the NRL so far.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Tell me your sin, my son.

To put it bluntly, I’m a tease. There’s no doubt I have ability, there are multiple witnesses to this, but I just don’t have the commitment to attain any level of consistency whatsoever. What’s more, it just doesn’t seem to bother me that so many teams have suffered trying to get me to play at my potential on a more consistent basis.

Well, you seem genuine in your feelings towards previous and current employers and I could give you various ways in which to reflect and ponder so this waste doesn’t continue, but I believe now you’re at a team where you are one of many options at your position. The time is now: if you don’t make greater use of your gifts, this might be your last chance.


Ben Rogers was again part of the three-headed halves combination for Newcastle as they took on New Zealand on Sunday and again all three performed impressively. But Newcastle was slightly off their game (perhaps due to the humidity) and failed to finish off their opposition conclusively and the under-strength but gallant Warriors almost snuck home and stole the win.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Tell me your sin, my son.

Put simply, I’m a fraud. I’m living off past success in a massive way. People remember the premierships I’ve won but they forget the failures, or more accurately don’t blame me for them. But I’m scared I will be found out now. I’ve made one finals series in my last ELEVEN years of coaching and my team is almost full of highly rated players. I may be the emperor, but my new clothes aren’t there, just that no-one has enough guts to tell me! Help!

Funny, I just came across this before….wait, did you coach the Tigers in 2005? OH WHAT A TEAM! The speed and slick passing, the innovation, the youthful exuberance, the confidence! Benji, Prince, Payten….the memories!!!

*Bangs head against wall*


Luckily for Teflon Tim, the entire focus for the game between Manly and the Wests Tigers was on the return of Brett Stewart, but the Tigers looked sharp to start and scored an impressive try. But from then on, Manly gradually got their game going and when Stewart got involved in attack…it was almost the Manly of last year. It’s probably no exaggeration to say that Stewart is THE most valuable player in the NRL…but even still, Manly failed to go on and thrash the Tigers. They still have much improvement to go.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Tell me your sin, my son.

Well, I used to be a quite good player for the Bulldogs but a combination of our struggles over the last few years, me losing quite a bit of confidence in my game and my status (as of three months ago) as the first cube in the NRL has seen me become a massive liability.

That’s no sin, everyone’s game drops off eventually.

Sure, but the new coach still thinks I can play first grade. Even worse, he thinks I can play a few minutes as a forward. I wouldn’t know what a tackle is! But last night on the wing, I know it was wet, but I was dead set useless. Couldn’t catch a cold.

If your suffering is as obvious as you say, then everyone in your team knows and they are suffering with you. Sounds like it’s too late to do much about it, might as well enjoy your remaining games while the talented kids are out or there are other injuries then gracefully move off into the sunset.


The Bulldogs weathered Souths’ strong start to last night’s game and took a 12-6 lead to half-time, led by the annoying Michael Ennis. This lead was stretched to 8 points before Mathew Utai came into the game for the Bulldogs. One of the funnier moments so far in NRL season 2009 happened last week as Utai tried to play in the forwards. He replaced the injured El Masri tonight but he was just as unconvincing, providing Souths some great opportunities and a great big wide target for their attacking kicks.

Souths cut the lead to 2 but failed to attack the Big Liability in the game’s final minutes. The far safer Luke Patten, El Masri and Bryson Goodwin helped to secure the win for the Bulldogs.

The Tuesday Roast confesses that he won’t use such cheap devices for a roundup again…for a while anyway. See you next week.

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