Round 22: Diss-parate Times Call For Diss-parate Measures

On its own, Karmichael Hunt’s decision to play Australian Rules football from 2010 will not have a major effect on Rugby League, but it’s hard not to imagine KHunt’s move hurting the game over the medium to long-term. There will likely come a day when the common response of a Rugby League diehard to the loss of a star player to a rival code or overseas — “you lose a Gasnier or a Sonny Bill and along comes an Inglis or a Hayne in their place” — no longer applies.

The trend towards a lower average age of NRL players these days will probably exacerbate this trend when it does become apparent. In general, these younger players are more likely to be influenced by the dollars on offer from rival codes (or choose one of these rival codes well before reaching the NRL).

The NRL simply cannot stand by and let this happen; something must be done. Any efforts to substantially increase salaries for elite players will likely not eventuate for some time, so the NRL needs to think outside the box: how can they reach the new generation in a non-monetary way?

KHunt has often told of his love for the NBA and his Playstation, other players of his age and younger — many of whom are from an Islander or Polynesian background — often profess their love for hip hop music. For these kids, one can only imagine the awkwardness the first time they represent their team in a victory and are forced to shout out the words to an ancient tune such as “Glory Glory to South Sydney”, “When The Saints Go Marching In” or “Up Up Cronulla”.

Hence, the first suggestion for the NRL (and the clubs) to attract and retain young superstars is to scrap the traditional victory song in favour of the “diss song” (or the battle song). This is from the world of hip hop music and was probably put on the map for most people by the 2Pac v. Biggie feud of the mid 1990s (which contributed to their untimely deaths), but was brought into popular culture by Eminem and “8 Mile” in 2003.

Even though many of the young Islander and Polynesian kids in the NRL are religious and respectful of their opponents (especially of a similar background), the concept of the diss song could (following a game with the right amount of spice) be highly popular with a number of players as well as creating more “interest” amongst rival supporters.

It goes without saying that this is a risky strategy, but it could help a highly competitive game even more so; no player is going to want to change codes in this environment! Not to mention that, with so much of the players’ energies devoted to preparing diss songs for their upcoming opposition, they won’t have time to think about their (relatively) inferior salaries!

Here’s how the battle songs of the victors in Round 23 might have sounded:

St. George Illawarra took advantage of an anxious Penrith side to jump to an early lead and coast to a relatively easy 25-6 win.

Congrats Penrith, you made it to 1000 games
But you couldn’t beat us if you had 1000 days
Your attack was useless; my god, you had to make do
With a Brian Smith reject! No excuses
Your fans turned up (kudos)
In their flannos and ugg boots
But on your big night
You suffered from huge stage fright
Granted, you were blinded by the light
From Wendell’s unsightly big behind
But you struck out in the game on (free) TV
To us, the mighty Red V!

Melbourne was not at their best, but their defence was still quite solid and they did more than enough for a 20-4 win over the Cowbores.

You came to the Graveyard with the best of hopes
But like all the others, you left as a bad joke
You have Feral and Matty Bowen
But you were rubbish, you had no flowin’
At all, despite lots of ball
Why was Rovelli kicking?
He has nothing at all
Go back to your banjos, your heat and your moonshine
And don’t bother tryin’ to beat us; we’re going just fine

Manly finally got off to a good start, but their ongoing problems were even more present this week and a keen South Sydney side took full advantage for a 36-22 win.

You started fast, but that was an illusion
Our avalanche of points proved your delusion
You might be premiers but you are diseased
You have more holes than a block of Swiss cheese
Let’s start with the wingers, the Williams sisters
Our new boy McQueen, his speed gave them blisters
Then there’s Matt Awful, his game is so drab
Everything is sideways, he plays like a crab
Finally there’s Watmough, the DNA freak
He lost it, we killed you; let’s do it again next week

The Bulldogs were a bit lucky to get away with a 23-20 win over the surprisingly resilient Raiders.

Bad luck Raiders, maybe next year
Yes you got close, but we didn’t leave first gear
At this time of season, when we’re near the top
We ease off against rubbish, we give you a shot
These games don’t really matter, so long as we win
But you shocked us a little, lucky Campese can’t kick
Or execute a field goal; he had a ‘mare
Off you go to Advanced Hair (Yeh Yeh)
But we won, that’s all we needed remember?
We’ll be ready to peak come September

Gold Coast rather easily defeated the Warriors 30-10, but this was significant for a team that struggles out of Queensland.

We lost at home and had to make amends
Against the Warriors, but they are our friends
They made us feel welcome with so much possession
And a lack of intensity; as well as aggression
But we’re not complaining, we needed the win
If we couldn’t beat these losers, our season’s in the bin
Thanks again Warriors, your tripe was much needed
We’re back on track, thanks to you we succeeded

Wests Tigers were unsurprisingly a bit flat after they survived Manly’s incredible comeback last round, but they shook off the enthusiastic Roosters eventually to record a 17-10 win.

A sunny Sunday at “home”; we love it
But harder than expected, the Chooks made us earn it
We started slowly and were lucky to be near
But the no-try to Taniela kicked us into gear
And we fired up nicely, led by Ellis
The big Pommy unleashed and made the Chooks jealous
Of their former Old Dart influence; Morley’s no more
Like Mini’s pace; he was sent into Row 4
An important win against solid opposition
Another like this and we’ll be near 5th position

The Parramatta juggernaut rolled on, gaining momentum with a 40-8 thrashing of Newcastle.

Knights, you learned how Smith can screw you
So we had to puts points on, to hasten his leaving you
Lucky this was easy, you guys are pathetic
A pen goal at 6-all? That decision was sick
And not in the good way, it was more than terrible
Just like your play; you guys were awful
We lifted a bit and you folded away
Like Superman on laundry day
Hayne’s our Superman; he killed you again
Way too easy: you were nil out of ten

Finally, Brisbane finally showed some small glimpses of a return to form as they defeated a brave but ultimately out of their depth Cronulla 30-10.

We were struggling, but you even more so
With so many out, you’re like no arms on a torso
You started ok, kicking about
But you couldn’t get far and we started the rout
Normally we’d ease off then head to the pub
But we had to keep going to smash Gallen the grub
It was great to win after all the hard knocks
So let’s go celebrate with Red Bull and Stilnox!

See you next week.

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