Tuesday 19 August 2008

Round 23: The Roundup about Nothing

With Season 2008 winding down towards the finals, it’s no surprise to see emotions rising across the league. The parity throughout the NRL, the increasing importance of refereeing decisions and the vast financial difference between winning several finals games and missing September play entirely mean plenty of unhappy teams after each round. Even teams who win at this point in the season can feel pangs of frustration: if only we’d played this well for most of the season!

Most of the losing teams (and several of the winning ones) from Round 23 could therefore probably use a good laugh to forget about their inconsistency, the fact they started their season about 3 months after most teams, their bad luck, their embarrassing effort or their capitulation to a bogey team. Rugby League is an intense game, played mostly by those with sub-normal intelligence and has lurched from one crisis to another over much of its 100-year history. Yet if you look closely enough, there’s plenty of laughter to be had.

Without further ado, here’s a breakdown of each game in Round 23 with the assistance of Seinfeld.

Brisbane v. St George Illawarra

“GEORGE: So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?

JERRY: Have you come across this?

GEORGE: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.”


The Dragons have long been notorious for losing (or, at the very least, performing poorly) in games they are expected to win, while winning in games when few, if any, pundits give them a chance. In this season alone, they’ve beaten the Roosters and Manly as heavy outsiders, but lost to the Tigers (twice), the Cowboys and Canberra (twice) all as strong favourites.

On Friday night, the Dragons – losers of 4 of their past 5 games – faced an almost must-win situation against Brisbane. Brisbane was missing important players in Hunt, Hodges, Carroll and Eastwood, but the Dragons were arguably missing more with Poore, Soward, Morris, Woolford, Creagh and Setu all absent.

Soward’s absence meant former Rabbitoh Ben Rogers came into the side. Rogers has long been lauded as a player with potential, but there is a gaping chasm between the best and worst of his game: both parts were seen on Friday night. From early on, it was apparent the Dragons’ effort was there, but their combinations – in both attack and defence – were off mostly because of the number of key players missing.

Brisbane repelled the Dragons’ early attack and looked sharp in replying with two tries of their own. They probably should have extended their lead but the Dragons hung on and replied at the other end. Actually it was more of a roar: Wendell Sailor’s post-try scream and spike of the ball was the catalyst for a remarkable comeback.

For a 25-minute period after Sailor’s try, the Dragons lifted considerably, but most importantly, they got Mark Gasnier and Matt Cooper heavily involved. Wendell Sailor may be past his prime and a shadow of what he once was, but if his verve can inspire a previously insipid Gasnier, then Sailor’s signing will be money extremely well spent.

Brisbane recovered from the shock of the Dragons’ onslaught, came back into the game themselves and hence gave us another Suncorp Stadium classic. Brisbane’s cause was aided considerably by a host of Dragons’ mistakes (including Rogers’ horrible midfield bomb with 10 to go) and an amazing try to Moon gave Brisbane one last chance at victory.

Ultimately, however, it was another Dragons’ win against the odds, and another Dragons’ result in line with past trends. This year, they’ve beaten Brisbane (twice), Manly and Newcastle: teams (and venues) they’ve owned over the years, but lost to Canberra, the Tigers and Cronulla for the umpteenth time since the merger took place. What a weird, strange but always entertaining team the Dragons are.

Speaking of one team dominating another, Parramatta had won 7 straight games over the Wests Tigers coming into last night’s game, but punters were split as to what would happen in this one. Parra’s win over the Roosters last week could have been a stepping stone towards a belated improvement or a once-off in a highly disappointing season, while the Tigers were coming off a largely indifferent few weeks and are not the same team at night, but impressed mightily in recent victories over the Dragons and Souths.

Whichever team turned up and wanted a vital 2 points would have a huge leg-up towards victory here. Disappointingly, for supporters of both the Tigers and of a competitive contest, Parramatta’s stranglehold over the Tigers is now stronger than ever before.

Parramatta v. Wests Tigers

LEVITAN (to George): You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.

A local derby. A very important game (given the upcoming draw) for finals contention. A game to stand up to your tormentor. The Tigers had so many reasons to – at the very least – put in a huge effort in this game, but Parramatta dominated them – again. Once they saw the Tigers’ defence wasn’t looking to hit hard and once they saw the Tigers’ defence would allow them to offload almost at will, Parramatta knew it was only a matter of time before the tries would come. Throw in a few Tigers mistakes and some penalties as the frustration mounted and the game was basically over inside 20 minutes.

It could be said that Parramatta was lucky in some parts of the game, but Parramatta made most of their luck. The botched last-tackle play where Hayne had to get a kick away hurriedly was followed up by a great chase to pin Hodgson in his in-goal area, while Hindmarsh’s try in the first half was the result of a much greater effort on the part of the Parramatta chasers than the Tigers defenders.

In fact, the luckiest play of the first half was the Tigers’ lone try, when the wind caught a Finch bomb and took it many metres backwards. The ball was kept in by Williams but the opportunistic Benji Marshall was in the right place at the right time to keep the Tigers (just) in the contest.

When the Tigers were the first to score in the second half, the deficit was just 10 points with over 25 minutes left, but a mistake – from the ensuing kick-off no less – led to the next Parramatta try and certain defeat.

The Tigers’ best hope might be to spike Parramatta’s drinks (like George did in the above Seinfeld episode) before their next game. Alternatively, they could try something revolutionary (like discussing a basic strategy to limit Parramatta’s strengths and working on it in prior games) and hope that works.

This defeat virtually put an end to the Tigers’ hopes of playing into September. Instead of being remembered as the innovators of this era, their place in history now risks being a trivia question, an asterisk or a bizarre footnote: which premiership winner never made the finals before or after their only triumph?

While Parramatta used their game against the Roosters as a springboard to a top-shelf effort, it became clear on Friday night that the Roosters’ loss to Parramatta exposed a number of faults that received an 80-minute examination by a typically intense Melbourne Storm.

Melbourne v. Sydney Roosters

FRANK: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

GEORGE: Why don't we talk about it another time?

FRANK: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!

MRS. ROSS: Something's missing all right.


When the Roosters defeated Melbourne in Round 3, the Roosters’ size and intensity saw them dominate a Melbourne team coming off a loss (Melbourne hadn’t lost two in a row for two years). Melbourne was kept scoreless for over 70 minutes in this game and rarely had any field position to do anything about this.

The Roosters would have seen Manly threaten to do a similar job on Melbourne last week, but they have largely been in a slump since the conclusion of State of Origin: this was shown clearly when they failed to inflict defeat on Parramatta last week. Parramatta has talent, but a forward pack as loaded as the Roosters should never lose the battle to a pack such as Parra’s.

There was only a small chance of the Roosters turning this around in just 5 days and this chance fell to zero after the first play of the game. Melbourne didn’t score, but they showed this game meant a great deal to them. Any chance of a letdown after their Origin-like game against Manly was shot down in seconds.

As any champion team will tell you, as the wins pile up, it becomes more difficult to summon the necessary motivation to keep on winning. When the Storm spread the ball wide from the opening kick-off, they showed they had turned up to defeat the Roosters (by making a mockery of their compressed defensive line), but also to make a point to Channel 9’s Peter Sterling.

Sterling called Melbourne “boring” earlier this year for their rigid structure and their lack of passing when in their own half. Never mind that this is the most effective way to play the game under the current rules (unless you’re blessed with a highly-skilled and stable playing roster; this is a pipedream under the current Salary Cap). The Storm refuted Sterling’s criticisms in word previously but in action on Friday night. To Sterling’s credit, he immediately praised the Storm for their efforts.

Melbourne did well to hold out the Roosters’ early attack and responded with 20 unanswered points in the remainder of the first half. This was enough for victory as the Roosters rarely threatened to even cross the line, let alone look like winning the game (although the Roosters were unlucky to lose Aubusson to concussion and not have a recognised dummy-half on the bench to replace him).

While Melbourne backed up well from a bruising Melbourne v. Manly game at Brookvale, the same could not be said of Manly. For the second straight year, they slumped to an unexpected defeat after playing Melbourne at Brookvale. Despite having the prize of a minor premiership to play for, they failed to turn up with their usual intensity and decided to take their chances in a high-scoring shootout: not many teams with premiership ambitions take this route on a regular basis.

South Sydney v. Manly

GEORGE: Your wake up guy asked you out?

ELAINE: Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,

JERRY: I don't know. Blind date?

ELAINE: What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.

JERRY: Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.

ELAINE: At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

JERRY: I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.

ELAINE: Ah, . . .

GEORGE: Now you're off on a topic.

JERRY: You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf.

ELAINE: Uh hu.

JERRY: Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And let’s face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.

GEORGE: You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.

ELAINE: I think she'd figure it out.


Seinfeld often featured silly discussions like this. Every so often, they can be fun to watch or partake in, but they’re generally quite unsatisfying.

High-scoring shootouts are the silly discussions of the NRL. Once upon a time, Souths never came close to being involved in a shoot-out, but they’ve been involved in 7 legitimate shootouts since April. Can’t you just see Hegarty and JT discussing how you must have a buffer zone for your parents, or Hegarty not reacting well to suggestions from JT, Vagana and Lana about his “jerk-store” comeback??

Manly is capable of scoring a lot of points, but this usually results from physical domination rather than a back-and-forth shootout. To keep the metaphor going, it’s impossible to imagine Hasler laughing at anything.

Once it became clear Manly hadn’t turned up, Souths clearly relished the prospect of another shootout. They even inexplicably let Manly right back into the game (even after Matai was sin-binned) and gave up the lead. But once Souths is in shootout mode, this doesn’t matter, and Sandow and Merritt were pivotal in yet another Souths’ shootout win.

While Souths love the shootout, Cronulla continues to take their chances in low-scoring grinds. This worked very well for most of the season, but they have struggled somewhat in recent weeks. Cronulla blames the referees or injuries or the weather when it’s clear they can’t score enough points. They’ve had to play their backside off all season long just to compete and they don’t have the extra gear good teams have at this time of year.

New Zealand v. Cronulla

George: Did she do it on purpose?

Jerry: It was my fault, I told her the wrong door.

George: I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.

Jerry: So what?

George: Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...

Jerry: But...

George: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...

Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage.

George: Yes. Significant shrinkage!

Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.

George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.


In short (no pun intended), Cronulla is making excuses for poor performance when it is a historical fact they can’t produce at this time of year. The Warriors are a tough team to play in Auckland, especially when facing high-flying opposition, but this game was tight enough and the Warriors made more than enough mistakes for Cronulla to come back into the game, but it never looked like taking place.

Just a few weeks back, the Cowbores v. Titans game seemed certain to be a great game for anyone who needed a good reason to catch up on sleep. Scott Prince and Feral Thurston were out with long-term injury and both teams struggled mightily to find anyone to adequately replace them.

North Queensland v. Gold Coast

Jerry: Oh, hi Gennice.

Gennice: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: This is George, this is Kramer.

Gennice: Nice to meet you.

Jerry: Playing today?

Gennice: No. I'm on the bench today.

Jerry: They really stick to that understudy rule.

Kramer: So (Bette’s) coming?

Gennice: Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob)

Jerry: It's okay…it's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay.

Gennice: No it (sob) was really good.


While no-one accused the girlfriends of Travis Burns and Josh Lewis of taking Feral and Prince out of action, Burns and Lewis cry a lot, have been major disappointments and are about as popular as Bette Midler’s understudy in the above quote.

This game became far more promising once it was confirmed both Feral and Prince were going to play and an entertaining game ensued. Gold Coast threatened to run away with the game at times, but the desperate Cowbores hung on and reined in Titans’ leads on several occasions. Ultimately, Gold Coast held on. They may still make the finals but they may find more solace in being a spoiler in the next few weeks.

Canberra and Newcastle were among the upper echelon of teams form-wise before their game on Sunday, but their precarious ladder position meant a loss for either team could have severely reduced the odds of a finals berth. Newcastle started slowly, but they trailed by only 4 late in the first half, despite too many mistakes and errors. Buderus implored his team to stay calm, stop giving the ball and field position away and they could come back, but his efforts could not prevent an extremely frustrating afternoon for Newcastle.

Canberra v. Newcastle

Estelle: You're not gonna give away that waterpik!

Frank: You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!

Lloyd: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.

George: What do you know? You were in the nut house.

Lloyd: What do you think put me there?


Buderus knew the importance of this game but Newcastle could not help themselves: they continued to give away penalties and the ball. When the white-hot Campese helped create two tries before half-time, Canberra was going to be very difficult to run down. Newcastle didn’t quite need to be committed, but they weren’t far off: there were signs that they were troubling the Raiders, but Canberra again won well due to Newcastle’s ill-discipline.

Lastly, Penrith thrashed the Bulldogs on Saturday night. The Bulldogs again capitulated on the field (which was understandable) but they also capitulated off the field by caving in to $BW and Mundine and receiving what will end up being a pittance from them. One can’t help wondering though if the Bulldogs were overjoyed at the prospect of getting ANYTHING out of Mundine at all that they jumped at his first pathetic offer.

Penrith v. Bulldogs

Kramer: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.

Jackie: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.

Kramer: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.

Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.

Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.

Jackie: How much?

Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.

Jackie: No money? Then what'd we get?

Kramer: Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it)

Jackie: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.


See you next week.

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