Round 15: A Real No-Brainer

A combination of the absence of a number of elite players and teams, inclement conditions and a failure to take very good opportunities on the part of a number of lower-ranked teams meant Round 15 in the NRL was one of the poorer rounds in recent memory. While several significantly weakened, upper echelon teams gained important wins, even they were not immune to the outbreak of shoddy play.

However, Round 15’s aesthetic unsightliness was far more than just poor execution of strategy or mistakes due to the wet weather. Much of this was – put simply – dumb play: dumb play from lowly ranked teams, whose chances for success against weakened better teams were ruined by shameful ignorance of what should have been less threatening strengths. But, as the mostly close final results of the weekend’s matches suggests, the better teams also played dumb, in not fully capitalising on their initial advantages.

Therefore, the most apt form for this week’s Roast is a list of the dumb, the dumber and dumberest happenings from each game, prefaced by suitably stupid quotes from the 1994 movie Dumb and Dumber. Bake it away, toys.

Bulldogs v. Penrith

Harry: Well, I used to have a parakeet, but my main area of expertise is canines: that’s dogs to the layperson.

Mary: Thanks. I love dogs too. So how are you involved with them?

Harry: Oh, I’ve trained them, bathed them, clipped them, I’ve even bred them.

Mary: Really? Any unusual breeding?

Harry: Nah, mostly just doggie-style.

Dumb: Despite their opposition being without a number of important players due to State of Origin and to injury, the Bulldogs still appeared to take Penrith too lightly. This was despite Penrith’s record of success in recent years against the Bulldogs in similar situations (i.e. when Penrith was expected by most to lose).

Dumber: Even allowing for this game being a night game and being played in rainy conditions, the error count in this game was very high. One sequence late in the first half had them rolling in the aisles: a Penrith last tackle passing movement resulted in a dropped ball after the pass was broken up to Walsh. Goodwin picked up the ball for the Bulldogs and ran down the sideline, but his pass was broken up and fielded by Sammut for Penrith.

Sammut looked to drop the ball, but it was just an awkward pass to Graham, who found Emilio, but pressure from El Masri forced Emilio’s pass to go several metres forward. From the ensuing scrum, Holdsworth dropped the ball while trying to pass, then Emilio dropped the ball first pass from the next scrum and the ball was picked up by Andrew Ryan, who proceeded to drop the ball when tackled. The whole game wasn’t this bad. Really. But both teams struggled in the conditions to say the least.

Dumberest: Luckily for the Bulldogs, their slight complacency was not fully punished by Penrith. It was apparent very early on that Penrith was highly motivated for a win, but they had two major failings: 1. their emphasis on attacking via their left-hand side and 2. their poor last tackle plays. They often attack down their left-hand side, but they normally have dynamic attacking players Pritchard and Jennings. Emilio and Cooper never really worried the Bulldogs’ defence.

But Penrith would have been very disappointed with a number of poor last tackle plays in this game. Just before the half hour mark, Penrith threatened to extend their lead into double figures, but consecutive last tackle options (a Sammut dummy half run that went nowhere and a Walsh running of the ball that eventually conceded 20 metres) allowed the Dogs to keep their line intact. Their next possession, the Bulldogs scored. The Bulldogs’ second try also followed a poor Penrith last tackle play. Not a good sign at all for a team that was supposed to have solved their playmaking problems.

North Queensland v. Sydney Roosters

Lloyd: That’s it – I’ve had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pet’s heads are FALLING OFF!

Harry: Ok, just calm down!

Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here Harry? We gotta get outta this town.

Harry: Yeh and go where? Where are we gonna go?

Lloyd: I’ll tell you where: someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.

Harry: I don’t know Lloyd, the French are a$$holes.

Dumb: Brad Fittler. I’m not sure what’s more amazing: his misdemeanour or the fact that the Roosters played almost exactly as they did in their last game (when there was no pre-game controversy). The clock is ticking as the Roosters wait for Fittler to depart with some dignity.

Dumber: After falling behind 10-0 very early on, the Cowbores recovered quite quickly and put on three tries with very little effort, despite having almost no playmaking ability in their halves without Feral Thurston. These easy tries came from strong forward running and the excellent play of Aaron Payne at dummy half. They followed it up with another easy try before half time (despite being one man down) – yet they couldn’t score one point in the second half and probably should have lost. While the Roosters’ effort in defence was very good, there is little question the Cowbores should have won this game easily.

Dumberest: The Roosters’ defence after getting to a 10-0 lead. Paper-thin is a cliché when it comes to describing poor defensive lines, but it was almost literally correct here. Even worse was that the Cowbores had NO threats in the halves or outside backs and so the Roosters’ defence could have almost focussed exclusively on the Cowbores’ forwards. Luckily, they still have heart, as evidenced by their effort and that they almost won the game, but that doesn’t excuse their woeful middle defence.

Melbourne v. Wests Tigers

Lloyd: Can’t you just feel it Harry? This is our big chance, man! All we got to do is show a little class and a little sophistication and we’re in like a dirty shirt.

Harry: That’s no problem, Lloyd, we can be classy and sophistic…oh look at the fun bags on that hose-hound.

Lloyd: I’d like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti!

Dumb: Melbourne might have been missing a number of important players, but their forward pack was largely intact. They should have done more with their early opportunities and done a better job of consolidating. Cooper Cronk having to fire up his team-mates after Melbourne’s second try showed this was a fairly flat team.

Dumber: Tigers again lost a close game. Their forwards (led by the shock return of Gareth Ellis) matched the highly rated Melbourne pack, but two well-constructed tries came with a number of blown chances. Their backs had an edge over the young/crap Melbourne backs, but the Tigers again couldn’t capitalise.

Dumberest: Daine Laurie. Yes, he has potential, but he had potential last year too and he’s not exactly a spring chicken (although he is in terms of experience). Bombed a try, gave up what became an important penalty (leading to Melbourne’s second try) and these were probably the difference in the end. Teflon Sheens is probably bringing him along at the right pace though. Laurie wouldn’t be playing much if it wasn’t for injuries, but Sheens and others have to cop the blame for over-paying some marginal forward talent so as players like Laurie are part of the Tigers’ forward pack ‘depth’.

Manly v. Canberra

Harry: Huh, I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver’s full of $hit, man.

(Next scene)

Lloyd: I’m only human, Harry. Anybody can make a mistake. C’mon, stop being a baby, so we backtracked a tad.

Harry: A TAD?! A TAD Lloyd?! You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don’t have enough money to get to Aspen, we don’t have enough money to get home, we don’t have enough money to eat, we don’t have enough money to sleep!

Dumb: Manly should never have let Canberra back in after their very good first half. Their almost second-string forward pack had the better of Canberra’s monsters and they did so partly by skilfully negotiating the heavy conditions, but for Manly to nearly give up a 20-point lead was criminal. Also, Adam Cuthbertson showed how far he had fallen: from City Origin in April to being replaced in an Origin-weakened line-up by an 18-year old five-eighth (Foran) on debut. Foran had a great first game and Coach Hasler would have been proud that his more mobile team dominated the bigger Raiders, but this was no thanks to Cuthbertson, who had a patchy game.

Dumber: Many assumed Canberra’s Terry Campese would be smarting after his Origin omission and would be keen for a very good performance. However, it was more of what has become largely the same for him this season. He had 10 or so excellent games late last season and parlayed that into a Kangaroos jersey and a five-year contract extension. He may end up being a great player, but his game has slipped this season and his self-confidence has suffered: he is not the type of player (yet) to play well in tough situations. Also, Campese’s usually solid goal kicking also let him down late in this game and hurt Canberra’s chances.

However, Canberra should have at the very least given Campese a chance to tie the game: after scoring three tries in a short space of time to cut the 20-point lead to just 6, Canberra had two excellent chances to score again, through David Milne (why did he not back his pace to go around Robertson instead of chipping him?) and a huge overlap which was botched.

Dumberest: Most importantly though, given their embarrassing loss to Cronulla last week and their dire need for points to put life back into their premiership chances, how could Canberra have NOT started this game with a massive determination to succeed? Instead they started like…well, the best description I saw stated ‘why was Canberra told the game was to start at 4pm instead of 3pm?’ They appeared flat and disinterested to dig in and fight back against the challenge from the under-strength Manly. Finally, they stopped the bleeding, but allowed one more soft try before they finally – but ultimately futilely – played at somewhere near their best. Too little, too late – it could end up being the catchphrase to describe Canberra’s season.

Cronulla v. Brisbane

Lloyd: Hey! Why don’t we get busy and deliver the briefcase to Mary? If I know her as well as I think I do, she’ll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

Harry: Good plan, where does she live?

Lloyd: I don’t know.

Harry: What’s her last name? I’ll look it up.

Lloyd: Ahh…you know I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Swim, Swamy, Slippy, Slappy, Simmon, Sommon, Simmon, Som, Swan, Swinson, Swanson?

Harry: Maybe it’s on the briefcase. Look on that.

Lloyd: Oh yeh! It’s right here! Samsonite – I was way off! I knew it started with an S though.

Dumb: Cronulla’s sloppy defence in their own 20 during the game’s first 45 minutes. Brisbane – with a very young fullback and halves combination – was not likely to ask too complex questions of the Cronulla defence and with Cronulla dominating field position for much of the game, Brisbane could have been in major trouble. Instead, they rather easily crossed the line a number of times once they finally got good attacking field position. They scored two easy tries, had another try confusingly disallowed and threatened to do more while the score remained close.

Dumber: Brisbane’s generally poor approach to this game. Only Corey Parker and Nick Kenny could hold their heads high after what was a thrashing at the hands of a terribly inexperienced side with a forward playing at five-eighth. They were never going to be great with youth in such important positions, but their effort and intensity was very poor, especially from several notable off-season signings.

Dumberest: Ben T’eo and Lagi Setu (again) had terrible games. You know someone is rubbish when the Tigers don’t re-sign them; T’eo has hardly made a positive contribution for Brisbane so far this season and his curious bat-back probably denied Brisbane a try in the first half. Meanwhile, Setu’s poor attempted tackle on Millington was the start of Millington’s thirty-metre try-scoring run. Why did Brisbane sign these two but release Dave Taylor? The mind boggles.

New South Wales v. Queensland

Harry: I can’t feel my fingers anymore, Lloyd, they’re numb!

Lloyd: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves, my hands are starting to get sweaty.

Harry: Extra gloves? You’ve had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?

Lloyd: Yeh, we’re in the Rockies.

Harry: I’m gonna kill you!

Lloyd: What?

Harry: I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna kill you Lloyd! Right now, I’m gonna kill you! I know what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.

Lloyd: Don’t do anything foolish, Harry!

Harry: What? Foolish? This isn’t foolish? I’m gonna toss this damn curse right into that damn pond!

(Struggle ensues)

Lloyd: (shrieks) Harry, your hands are freezing!

Dumb: Yes, they’ve now won four series in a row, and yes, they might be considered one of the best Origin teams ever, but Queensland can never put a heavy defeat on NSW, no matter how poor NSW is playing. Granted, NSW had some luck with low-percentage plays, got a number of helpful calls from Chann...I mean the referees and Queensland had a number of hurt or sick players, but NSW had no right to be in the game at half time and some of the blame for this must lie with Queensland and their close, courageous win culture.

Dumber: NSW’s start to the game. It wasn’t just the errors (some of which we due to excellent Queensland tackling) but more so their whole approach. So flat, so lifeless: where was the urgency? Loose balls fell to Queensland, poor tackling made Queensland’s task much easier and this new combination of New South Welshmen looked about ready to collapse completely. But luckily for them, Queensland wasn’t much better: it was a horrible first half-hour. AFL, if you want the ANZ Stadium, please, take it and keep it for yourself. It is the worst stadium for big games for so many reasons.

Dumberest: NSW looked a real chance to take an unlikely lead late in the game, led by Manly’s brilliant back-rowers Watmough and Stewart. Queensland’s tiredness led to NSW coach Craig Bellamy deciding to put Robbie Farah back into the game with Gidley to play a double dummy half (much like he did with Farah and Wing in Game 1) but in doing this, he substituted Stewart. Not surprisingly, with Stewart went much of NSW’s attacking threat. The Manly back-rowers combine size, speed and intensity in a combination rarely seen in the NRL. Farah was having a poor game and never really worried Queensland; Bellamy basically gave away NSW’s chances to win by replacing Stewart.

Of course, Rugby League is blessed with such *talented* individuals that a Dumb and Dumber Roast could be done almost every week, but one final example of dumbness was seen on a sign at last night’s game: “Bowraville is in NSW you cheat”. That says it all really. See you next week.

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