Round 19: A special WYD Roast from Michael "Tipping God" Payne

In a change of pace, this week's Roast is in ecclesiatical form and emanates from up above (of me on the tipping ladder). Thanks to Michael "Tipping God" Payne for his stellar effort below.

Parramatta (fall of man) Genesis 3.1-24

So the LORD God said to the serpent EEL, "Because you have done this, "Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you Will eat dust all the days of your life.”

Parra-don’t-matta tackled like the villainous serpent from the great Book, that is without shoulders or hands. Biblical passages make reference to the killing a serpent by removing its head – only when Fitzgerald is sacrificed will the ‘worms’ have any success.

Papal Points (3-2-1)

3 - Brett Stewart
2 - Watmough
1 - Hindmarsh

Judas’ Ear

Jarryd Hayne – was he really worth dropping Burt for?

Bulldogs (plagues on Egypt) Exodus 7.1-24

Then the LORD said to FOLKES, "See, I have made you like God to Islanders, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet"

‘Aaron’ is clearly representative of the Warriors, who are now the superior entity to the disgrace formerly known as the Bulldogs Rugby League team. 3000 paying Bulldogs pilgrims ignored the chance to sleep at Randwick, and instead decided to make their eyes bleed the blood of 1000 sheep as the Warriors were made to look like a team with talent – no easy task mind you.

Papal Points

3 - Malo Solomona
2 - Steve Price
1 - Lance Hohaia

Judas’ Ear

Dunny-Dill Williams – ‘come and watch me play for free bro, it will be choice’. Then don’t play. The man is a genius.

Tigers (Valley of the dry bones) Ezekiel 37.1-28

And as Sheens was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. He looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them, until Benji remembered the words of his large mother…’play Benji, play’

The team that has looked most likely to disappoint their following took heed from the message bandied around Sydney for the past week: Build it, and He will come. The tigers ‘built it’ by having some front rowers, and he came in the form of an erratic lair named after a famous dog (God spelt backwards – are you feeling it?). Mark the Tipping God's words, they will end the season in the top 5.

Papal Points

3 – Keith Galloway
2 – Benji (not the more famous the dog)
1 – Farah (victim of recent phone threats)

Judas’ Ear

Sheens – for not letting us watch that crazed Daine Laurie play earlier.

Cronulla (Good Shepard) Psalm 23.1-6

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for Stuart is with me; his rod and his staff, they comfort me” – Gallen

Two teams the Tipping God hates played in what was widely panned as one of the most frustrating games of the year. The only reason the Sharks are in contention is Stuart, with Gidley being the Newcastle saviour. TG has nothing more to say on this match (don’t start the conspiracy theories that he did not watch it as that would not be very nice)

Papal Points

3 – Gidley
2 – Kimmorley
1 – Ben Ross (for not getting knocked out)

Judas’ Ear

Gallen – no real reason.

Canberra (Magi Visit the Messiah) Matthew 2.1-12

After they had heard the siren, they went on their way, and the number 7 they had seen when it ran onto the field went ahead of them until it stopped in the centre of the arena. When they saw the star wearing the 7, they were overjoyed.

Todd Carney is a lot of things. Devout Christian – yes. Bad drunk – yes. Wants to be a black man – yes. Possible retarded – yes. Bloody talented footballer – absolutely! A few of his 40-20 kicks nearly hit God in the ‘wheels’ as they gave the Raiders excellent field position to dismantle a pathetic team of ‘Cocks’

Papal Points

3 – T Carney
2 – T Campese
1 – Thompson

Judas’ Ear

The Raiders – it would have been great to see the Cocks go home without scoring a point.

Broncos (Lamp on a stand) Luke 8. 16-18

The Broncos do not light a lamp and hide it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.

That light, my friends, is K.Hunt. Easily the coolest man in league and one of the toughest, The Tipping God is in negotiations with his slightly more powerful cousin, the ‘real’ God, to have K at the Dragons next year.

Papal Points

3 - Thaiday
2 - Tronc
1 - Hunt

Judas’ Ear

Matt Bowen – I hate him but love watching him play. All Cowboys games have been boring without him

Melbourne (Demon-possessed men) Matthew 8.28-34

So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.

There's no secret here. The Dragons are the pigs, and they drowned in the water of frosty Melbourne. Aided by one of their fearless leaders, the great Jason Ryles, getting sent off for being a tool, they were duly flogged worse than Christ by the Romans, hence reinforcing the Tipping God's position that the 7 in a row was actually more like 3 wins with 4 byes.

Papal points

3 – C. Smith
2 – Folau
1 – Lima

Judas’ Ear

Gavin Badger – if that was a send off then how has Paul Gallen finished a game this year?!?!

Panthers (Parable of the Wondering Sheep) Matthew 18.10-14

See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that Elliott's angels in heaven always see the face of Matthew in heaven.

Matthew Elliott is the saviour of Penrith, even if they don’t realise it yet. The league equivalent of ‘Charlie's Angels’ come in the form of Coote, Graham and Gordon. Elliot is a proven leader of bad teams and what better place to thrive than the foot of the mountains.

Papal Points

3 – Gordon
2 – Laffranchi
1 – Pritchard

Judas’ Ear

God – why is he so cruel to Scott Prince? WHY?

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