Round 15: Surreal-ly Misused

Despite claims from rival codes that it is monotonous and predictable, Rugby League provides plenty of drama, uncertainty and excitement. How can this be stated as fact? Because it comes ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’ so to speak; it’s the players who confirm the game’s ongoing novelty factor. Here are some recent examples…

“Looking back on it now that's how it was a bit, but I'm confident in my football at the moment. Last time it was all just a bit surreal and real nerve-wracking. It's still surreal this time but I feel like I've worked for it a bit more this year." Roosters halfback and noted wordsmith Mitchell Pearce describing his return to the NSW Origin team a few weeks ago.

“That’s the first I’ve heard that ... I’m pretty happy about that. I’m still getting over that (scoring three tries). It’s a bit surreal. I’m pretty excited about it.” Manly rookie Dean Whare was quite excited after his three-try debut against the Cowbores in May.

“I didn’t think a tornado could build up on the east coast of Australia. To me it was an American thing. But now we all know it can happen and the damage it can do is surreal.” Canberra forward Tom Learoyd-Lahrs after the recent damage at Lennox Head.

Hmm…something’s not quite right here. I’ll let comedian Adam Hills explain:

“If I can only teach my god-son one thing, this is what I want to teach him: I want to teach him to learn to use the word ‘surreal’ only to describe things that are actually surreal. That is my major bug-bear with the English language, are you on board with me ma’am and fellow pedant down the front? Surrealism is like Salvador Dali pieces of art, it’s like a melting watch hanging over a tree branch that looks like a skeletal fist. It messes with your head so that you when you look at it, you walk back out in the real world and look at everything differently ’cause your sense of reality has just been altered. That is surreal! It’s not standing at a pub at 2 in the morning and some boofhead comes back from the bar and goes ‘Oh you wouldn’t believe it, just went up there to get a beer, there was already one waiting for me hohoho…so surreal’.

I read an article written by a British Airways stewardess in which she described how drunk they used to get on overseas flights. I kid you not, the article finished with her using the phrase ‘At one point, I found myself slumped over the toilet bowl, in a stewardess outfit with a captain’s hat on my head and an empty bottle of tequila next to me and I thought ‘my god, this is so surreal!’’. No it’s not! That’s just not classy! If there’d been a hippopotamus there cooking toast, that would’ve been surreal. Spreading on marmalade going ‘My god, how much have you had to drink?’ and the toilet’s going ‘Seven vodkas!’

There’s a kitchen design store outside of Galway in Ireland called Surreal Kitchens. Now I’m assuming they don’t make truly surreal kitchens, but my god I wish they did, ’cause that’s a conversation I want to hear in an Irish pub. ‘So Paddy, how’s the new kitchen going?’ ‘Oh you wouldn’t believe it Jerry, there’s a revolving head of John the Baptist in the oven’

With that, let’s take a look back at Round 15 in the NRL in language NRL players can understand:

Brisbane v. Penrith: Brisbane’s bubble burst on Friday night as the hangovers from their great win over Souths last Sunday and Queensland’s demolition of NSW (the hangover was likely more literal than metaphorical here) led to a tired effort against Penrith. Penrith was not at their best, but did enough and secured the win in the dying minutes.

Soooo Surreal: A surprisingly flat game at Suncorp Stadium. Michael Gordon had a poor night with the boot, Folau was largely unsuccessful with his AFL practicing and Lockyer and Thaiday struggled to back up in close to ideal conditions after an Origin.

Gold Coast v. Canterbury: Another week, another disappointing start by the Bulldogs and another comeback which doesn’t start soon enough. Also, another poor Bulldogs effort against vulnerable opposition, the Titans lost Bailey, Harrison and Campbell before the game and Scott Prince during the game and still got to a 24-6 lead.

Soooo Surreal: A Gold Coast team functioning quite well without Prince and Preston Campbell. With that said, however, a surrealist depiction of the Bulldogs’ defence as droopy turnstiles would not have been out of place – this made the rudderless Titans’ job much easier.

Melbourne v. North Queensland: The Melbourne season since April could be classified as Soooo Surreal, a bizarre mix of extravagant attack and thrashing less talented, constrained oppositions as well as indifference and loss of players resulting in thrashings in return. Unfortunately for the Cowbores, they have been on the end of two care-free Melbourne demolitions since late April. After Melbourne capitulated to the Roosters last Monday, their stars decided to try this week and they toyed with the Cowbores, winning easily.

Manly v. South Sydney: A see-sawing game from Brookvale, where both sides oscillated between brilliant and so-so. Both teams were looking to bounce back from losses, but Manly’s injuries problems and subsequent lack of depth resurfaced, allowing Souths a wonderful chance to come back and sneak the win. However, some blown chances and two late Manly field goals saw the home team triumph.

Soooo Surreal: This was the first game in the NRL with three field goals since Round 3 2008. This is only the 7th time in the last 20 seasons a top-level game has had 3 field goals, where each of these games split the field goals 2 to 1 (except John Simon’s 3 field goal-effort for Parramatta against Manly in 1997). This game included the equal most field goals in a match since Peter Sterling and Michael Hagan engaged in a field-goal shootout in Newcastle in 1990 (4 field goals – 2 each – between them).

Cronulla v. St. George Illawarra: This potentially tricky game for the Dragons became even more so when Weyman and Young were late withdrawals. However, despite a tight score-line for much of the game, the Dragons were always in control and padded the score late on. For Cronulla, the failure to apply (cliché alert) scoreboard pressure to the Dragons meant they had next to no chance of winning.

Soooo Surreal: Paul Gallen having a whinge – but actually being in the right. His dummy-half lunge with about 10 minutes to go was rejected as a possible try by the on-field referee but the ball was later revealed to be on the line. There might have been a double movement but a try was the likely outcome.

Wests Tigers v. Canberra: This was an unusually tight game for a Sunday Leichhardt game, although not for the lack of trying by both teams; this could have been a high-scoring shootout but for a high number of near misses. Canberra threatened another high-profile victim to further frustrate their coach and supporters (who wonder why they can’t play so well against lowly teams) but the Tigers finished strongly on the back of the home crowd for the win.

Soooo Surreal: The total match score of 26 points was the lowest at Leichhardt for a day game in over 10 years. But the most surreal sight had to be of slow-legged, ancient Daniel Fitzhenry turning back the clock in racing 70 metres for the game-sealing try.

Newcastle v. Parramatta: After the much-discussed Timana Tahu brain snap, this game reached new depths for long periods. Finally, Parramatta scored and 4 points looked to be enough. But somehow the Knights came back; an attacking kick took a lucky bounce and the game was equal. Gidley’s sideline conversion found its way over and incredibly Newcastle had the win.

Soooo Surreal: The comical, farcical cavalcade of mistakes in the lead-up to halftime. A close second was Newcastle’s inability to change the basics of their game for the conditions. Expecting forwards to hold onto short passes with the defence in very close proximity and wide-running players to hold onto long cut-out passes is most optimistic in the wet and frequently meant errors. Also, Ben Rogers: this was an awful game from him, even by his usually pathetic standards, mistakes and dumb decisions throughout. He was hooked after his umpteenth terrible cut-out pass and Newcastle went on to win without him. Rogers has the last laugh, however, this waste of space recently extended his contract with the Knights. Now that is soooo surreal!!

See you next week.

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Round 14: Treading Carefully Around A Difficult Subject

Round 14 of the NRL was another pre-Origin weekend. This meant a shortened round but also the absence of many of the game’s best players. Not surprisingly, the quality of play largely suffered.

Despite frequent disappointments with pre-Origin rounds, the NRL remains stubbornly committed to the idea of forcing many teams to compete for points without many of their best players. There have been variations over the years, but all look remarkably similar. It’s as if the NRL is borrowing from Henry Ford’s famous catchphrase: “they can have any colour they want so long as it’s…..” umm…the one colour he made it in. I forget which one that was.

The round kicked off on Friday night on the Gold Coast, where the locals were looking to avoid a fourth straight loss. Normally Manly have success against the Titans, but with a number of key players missing and coming off a tough defeat against Brisbane, the Titans were well favoured to end their losing streak.

However, Manly started well and should have taken an early lead; only some desperate defence pushed Farrar across the line before he could put the ball down. It was the Titans who scored first, but incredibly it came in a very similar manner to how they took the lead when they played Manly earlier this season. On both occasions, a Manly dropped ball was picked up by flying winger Kevin Gordon, who ran over 70 metres each time to score. I’m sure the Titans would be more than happy to make long-distance Gordon tries the new…..umm….fashionable colour for their game starts from now on.

A rather acrobatic try from Mark Minichiello soon followed and the Titans had a 12-point lead they probably didn’t deserve. From here, the under-strength Sea Eagles were always going to struggle and despite Minichiello giving up an 8-point try in the second half (a terrible decision; referee Cummins was a real…..umm…..sheep who was a different colour to the rest of the flock after this call), it was a relatively comfortable win for the Gold Coast.

The Titans’ opponents from last week, Canberra, were next up in Round 14 as they were presented the tricky task of a trip to Townsville. While the Cowbores were without Feral Thurston, they were coming off a thrashing by Souths and they were due for some success at home. Meanwhile, Canberra is usually very shaky away from home and has struggled with favouritism this season.

Not surprisingly, this game had few highlights; the Cowbores struggled but put forth a great effort to bounce back from their hiding to Souths. However, this was enough against a Canberra team uncomfortable with the burden of favouritism, not having learnt from their impressive efforts of recent weeks and missing Josh Dugan and Joel Monaghan to injury and Origin respectively. Yep, this was certainly another…..ummm….negative-coloured mark against Canberra and their chances in 2010.

On Sunday, the first game saw Newcastle host the Warriors. Neither of these inconsistent teams could pull away from the other in this relatively high-scoring game until late on when the Warriors took advantage of a penalty goal to establish an 8-point lead. Newcastle threatened a comeback when they cut the Warriors’ lead to 2 and had the ball in attacking field position but threw away this precious opportunity. Matt Hilder threw the game away with an awful long pass returned for a try by James Moloney.

For the Warriors, this was a fairly impressive effort; to bounce back from a potentially crushing defeat to the Dragons last week with an away win was commendable. However, the Knights’ baffling season continues. They have now won just 1 of their last 6 games at home; quite pathetic, really, for one of the more talented rosters in the NRL. Coach Rick Stone must be wondering if a…..ummm…..hole that sucks everything away has taken up residence at Energy Australia Stadium since Brian Smith left the team.

The late Sunday game saw Brisbane without their Origin stars take on South Sydney, who was missing a host of forwards due to Origin, representing England, injury and suspension. However, their starring backline of recent weeks was intact.

What looked like being a tightly fought game became a mismatch very early on. While the Cowbores bounced back from last Monday night, Souths suffered the opposite fate from this game (made worse, of course, by missing so many key forwards). Meanwhile, Brisbane flourished despite the absence of Lockyer and Thaiday. Parker, Gillett and Te’o were all brilliant as Brisbane tore Souths to shreds in the forwards and on the edges, while Hoffman and Yow Yeh continued their recent form.

Souths could have been forgiven for struggling without much of their imposing forward pack but what started poorly became worse, especially for their up-and-down halves combination. In particular, Chris Sandow had a terrible game, especially his attacking kicks, which almost always missed the mark completely, often fuelling Brisbane counter-attacks. He would have been forgiven for calling the……ummm…..depression hotline which is named after a dog following such a poor display.

On Monday night, what appeared to be a very even and high quality game between Melbourne and the Roosters shifted sharply towards the Sydney side from about the 20 minute mark. Melbourne was missing all of its superstars but they folded rather meekly once they fell behind on the way to a thrashing by the impressive Roosters.

However, the Storm’s capitulation – which will likely become much more commonplace as the season goes on and their massive punishment for accessing Rugby League’s …..ummm…. market where illegal player payments can be made hits home even further – was not the major talking point after the game. Instead, several baffling video referee decisions against the Roosters received post-match focus.

One could (maybe) see why the seemingly legitimate try to Shaun Kenny-Dowall was disallowed in the first half – the referees love a rule which is completely……ummm…..white and the colour completely opposite to white – but for them to allow Melbourne’s sole try when Sika Manu looked certain to have interfered with the marker was…..completely lacking in any logic.

Finally, last night’s State of Origin confirmed what has been coming for several years as Queensland belatedly put the cleaners through an abysmal, totally lacking in cohesion New South Wales line-up. The highlight of the match was probably Greg Inglis giving us one of the three or four matches where he actually tries each season. The much-discussed racism controversy may have played a role here, but probably a greater contributing factor was the insinuation that the New South Wales debutante Beau Scott had a chance of slowing Inglis down (or even shutting him out of the game).

Inglis scored very early on and took every opportunity possible to beat up on poor Scott, both in the run of play and literally as the game went on and the widening discrepancy between the teams allowed Inglis even more latitude to dominate and even embarrass Scott (and those who may have thought Scott could do the job). No doubt this annihilation will enjoy a spot in Inglis’… umm… little book where he keeps notes of opponents he has owned.

On that note, the Tuesday Roast will…ummm… fade to a close. See you next week.

See you next week.

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Round 13: A Mid-Season Report Card

After perhaps the craziest first half of the season since 1995, it is probably a good time to take stock and sum up how each team has fared thus far.

St George Illawarra (current position: 1st): in contrast to most other teams and the game itself, the Dragons have delivered another stellar first-half of the season, with their ongoing consistency placing them safely at the top of the table. And given they are the only team yet to have a bye, this makes their effort even more worthy of praise. They have overcome the loss of Wendell Sailor, Nathan Fien and Jeremy Smith for most of the season so far as well as a number of other injuries to continue to produce their highly disciplined but very productive standard of play. They had a tougher than expected challenge on Sunday in Auckland, where the locals were motivated by their thrashing last time out and always play better in the wet, but the Dragons held their nerve.

Of course, the major challenge for them is to win in September, but they should cruise to a top-2 spot. Score: A+

Penrith (2nd): Penrith have continued on from their promising form seen for much of 2009, but some significant obstacles are ahead. Their draw has been on the kind side, they will have to produce without Petero Civoniceva for the next few weeks or so and they risk becoming over-reliant on their thus-far quite productive attacking kicking game. Teams are unlikely to hand them victories like Newcastle did on Saturday night (and even with Newcastle's charity, they struggled to put the Knights away).

With that said, however, surely they can't fade as badly as they did in late 2009; a finals appearance looks a certainty. Their combination of size and speed makes them a dark horse, but it's still difficult to tell just how dark they might be. Score: B

South Sydney (eq 3rd): After a slow start, Souths are rolling fairly nicely at the moment. They have struggled to puts wins together (apart from their initial recovery and last night's overwhelming of the Cowbores) but have shown strong signs of promise, especially if they can find some consistency. This has been the issue for Souths for some time, but you'd have to say progress is being made here.

You can never to be too sure with Souths, and their supporters have seen many a forecast of Souths' resurgence end in tears, but playing in September looks quite likely. Their depth (especially up front) may become an issue, but their size and skill should be too good to keep them out of the finals. Score: B-

Manly (eq 3rd): A difficult one to pick: they started the season very strongly, especially once Hasler put Hodkinson into the halves and Lyon in the centres. But a combination of some injuries, the heavy Brookvale Oval surface, representative honours for numerous players, a difficult schedule and a number of key players getting a significant number of miles on the clock have taken their toll on Manly over the last month or so. They could have jumped to a strong lead on Sunday against Brisbane, but they appeared unable to lift their game when Brisbane showed resistance. Ultimately, it was a rather meek defeat.

You'd imagine things should improve for Manly, but perhaps not before they get worse. Depth is an issue (especially given their extended time at/near the top due to subsequent salary-cap-related player loss) and their young halves have struggled (not surprisingly) when the forwards aren't dominant. Their experience means they are a great chance to win the comp....but getting there (and not using too much energy in doing so) could be the toughest part. Score: B

Wests Tigers (eq 3rd): How do you spell inconsistency? Apparently the letters WESTIG and R are in there somewhere. Surely this is the most inconsistent team in the NRL. Or to put it another way, they can look brilliant and shocking....and back to brilliant in less than a month. The Tigers board and Tim Sheens must thank whoever their deity is multiple times each day they have a consistent, hard-working forward in Gareth Ellis, otherwise their problems would be far worse. But even with him, this season could end up anywhere. Injuries may end up a factor, but their recent form minus a number of good players suggests it doesn't have to be.

Put simply, this team could finish anywhere: another ninth, another premiership or an honorable fifth, anything is possible. Score: C+

Gold Coast (eq 3rd): In last year's mid-season outlook, the Tuesday Roast picked the Titans to miss the finals. Great call there. But it does appear to be a new Titans in 2010, they do not seem so focused on playing at/near their best on a regular basis. They seem to have learnt to pick their moments (like the premiership winners of the last 5 years or so have). Wins against Melbourne (pre-crisis), Manly (at Brookvale), Penrith (just 5 days after beating Manly) and Souths suggest they will be hard to beat in September, but losses to the Cowbores, Roosters and Raiders mean they may enter September in the lower half of the 8.

A somewhat patchy start to the season, but if they can continue to pick their moments, their relative lack of Origin workload could see them make a strong run at the premiership. Score: B+

Brisbane (eq 7th): An amazing first half for them. At times, they were the worst team in the NRL but since Round 9, they have looked....awesome at times. Sam Thaiday has been brilliant leading the forwards, the team's improvement has made things easier for the still-very-good Darren Lockyer, Israel Folau's embarrassment of Greg Inglis in Round 9 was one of the highlights of the season so far, while several young Broncos (Hoffman, Gillett etc.) are emerging quickly.

Their great run will likely end soon, but it's hard to see them not making the quarter finals somewhere, if only because of the importance to the NRL and Channel 9 of a strong Broncos. Another one for the NRL Dark Horse handicap. Score: C

Parramatta (eq 7th): Play it again, Sam (or, in this case, Nathan): inconsistent team, some excellent wins, some astounding losses, a dark horse. The fear for Parramatta supporters (and those who love the entertaining game Parramatta play when they're at their best) is that the lazy Eels will think a run to the grand final from 8th is nothing too difficult and not lift their game consistently until August.

Perhaps this might work: they have a 3-1 win-loss record as outsiders with the bookies this season, so who am I to tell them how to run their season? Score: B-

Sydney Roosters (eq 7th): The Roosters have struggled after a very good start in the early-season heat. While any Brian Smith-coached team is a threat to knock off highly fancied opposition (their win against the Gold Coast was impressive), their general level of play and lack of consistency will probably see them fall short of the finals in 2010. Score: C-

Canberra (eq 7th): A bizarre Canberra season so far, led by their quite good record away from home, but very poor play in Canberra. They have won just 2 out of 5 at home, despite being in winning positions in 4 of these games. But they were excellent in winning at Parramatta and at Wollongong.

By this logic, their home-dominated remainder of schedule should see them finish near last, but this should turn around soon. Hard to see them making the 8 though, with Alan Tongue set to miss much of the season, with the petulant Terry Campese in a position of on-field leadership and rumours continuing to circulate about Josh Dugan and his dissatisfaction in Canberra. Score: D+

New Zealand (11th): To be fair, the Warriors have looked better than they did in 2009, although this has not been hard. Still, they have looked ok at times despite some key injuries (Vatuvei, Price, Rapira, Seymour). They will always be a threat to win on their day (which usually involves rain in Auckland) but the loss of Brent Tate is another nail in their 2010 coffin. Score: D

Newcastle (12th): Possibly the most difficult team to support this season. With much of the same team which was in the upper part of the table last season, the Knights have descended into a highly inconsistent rabble. But then they perform brilliantly (as they did against the Roosters recently) and you wonder why they're not winning far more often.

The Knights are probably best personified by Kurt Gidley: capable of brilliance, not sure what position they're playing and often wondering if they should play a different sport. Score: D-

Cronulla (13th): Cronulla is a weird team, in that they have a number of big names, they have looked atrocious for long periods of the season, but have put together two very strong performances in recent weeks (against Parramatta and the Roosters). Granted, these opponents were backing up soon after tough games, but Cronulla should be able to produce this form more often.

Much like the US economy, Cronulla went off a cliff late in 2008, had a horror 2009 and have exhibited some 'green shoots' in 2010. Much like the US economy, Cronulla is probably going to be in financial poo for a very long time to come Score: E+

Canterbury (eq 14th): On to the major disappointments for 2010. Well, in Canterbury's case, they probably overachieved in 2009, but they probably shouldn't be equal last. They did lose a few important players from last season and have had a few injuries, but the greater culprit of their 2010 failures thus far has probably been Kimmorley, Ryan and Patten all showing their age much more so than last year.

You'd have to imagine they'll do better in the second half of the season, but a fairly good indicator since 2005 of whether a Bulldogs season is going to be rubbish is hard-working, loyal but far too small forward Brad Morrin. He played his first game in 2010 last week. Score E-

North Queensland (eq 14th): While it is true that Feral Thurston's presence on your team means you're always a chance, the Cowbores are carrying more dead wood than a Tasmanian logging truck. And that's with Willie Mason having a fairly good season so far. The likes of Webb, O'Donnell, Payne, Rovelli, Bani, Graham and Ty Williams - most of whom are regular first graders - means the Cowbores are giving most teams a significant leg-up.

Things aren't all bad with some promising youngsters coming through (Tamou, Morgan, Thompson and Tupou) and some reliable older players (Scott and Bowen), but when Feral Thurston takes up 65% of your salary cap, this doesn't leave much room for new talent. Score: F-

Melbourne (16th): Enough has been said on Melbourne administration's offences (crimes?), but surely every game of theirs now is required viewing. Frustrated players, creative players playing without the constraint of Bellamy's discipline, some very good young players getting a chance, souped-up opposition crowds, uncertain opposition players, super-motivated opposition players and perhaps later in the season (when some teams join Melbourne in the 2010 Losers' Lounge) the chance of some thuggish play or some huge fights. There's every chance we'll never see anything like this again (not a team caught cheating the cap, but a team whose season is made irrelevant by punishment) so it's probably investing in some popcorn, getting comfy and watching some great action, one way or the other. Score: n/a.

See you next week.

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Round 12: A Gathering of The Minds

Rugby League has long been renowned as a game, as a code which can shrug off adversity. Like a wide-running Dave Taylor through dogged defence or a Geoff Toovey fighting off one big forward after another, rugby league has emerged triumphant despite being pursued by some of life’s most vicious defenders over much of its 102 year history.

This week, as rugby league is confronted with the next challenger in the form of a big-spending AFL out to attack its core group of supporters (or, at least, their children), the time has come once again to fight back.

But this battle will take more than being able to run through a brick wall or wait out the worst of the damage. The threat of the AFL will not be leaving any time soon. The need for craftiness, savvy and, most of all, intelligence is paramount in preventing an exodus of rugby league’s finest.

After a late night strategic session at NRL HQ at Fox Studios, the Tuesday Roast can exclusively reveal the brains trust hand-picked to steer the greatest game of all out of stormy seas (no pun intended). As a display of their abilities, here is their breakdown of Round 12 of NRL action.

Andrew Voss: Thank you for that ominous welcome and I have to say, I’m excited! I’m not sure how we’ll go at coming up with top-level strategies to keep the likes of Israel For-now in the game, but God damn it, we’re going to have a bit of fun discussing the latest goings-on on the field! Speaking of young Israel, he could do a lot worse than to seek the counsel of our first guest Wendell Sailor.

Wendell Sailor: Too right Vossy, but you know what? I already spoke with Izzy. Wonderful young man, loves his family, I told him to take the money.

AV: Wendell! This was not the counsel I was expecting you to give! Izzy For-now could use some of your famous self-promotional and charismatic skills to persuade the mums, dads and binge-drinking, pack-fighting kids of Minno that AFL is worth watching.

WS: Nah, it’s all good. He’ll be back. All us good men come back. Even Gaz, who I thought was gone for good. But it’s the power of the Big Red V….

AV: And off we go. Get your sick bags ready…

WS: Yep, the Big Red V. How good are we going? Half the team backing up after Origin, half the team coming off a tough game just last Sunday, half the team back from injury — maths never was my strong suit Vossy, but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got the Red V! — and we still kicked Parra’s butt all the way back to last season.

Just way too good in the end and I must say I was not surprised. You know why? Yep, the Red V. To be fair, Parra was missing a few good men, but in the end, you know what? They were told “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” and you know what else they couldn’t handle? Yep, the Big Red V. Just an amazing effort. Jamie marshalling the troops, Darius busting tackles, Brett with the speed, big Horse backing up from Origin, International Dell — in 2 codes don’t forget — with the motivation…everyone contributed.

AV: Amazing. Not the Dragons’ effort – that was pretty standard for this high-achieving team – but anyone who can put up with that self-serving tripe week after week on multiple channels. Thanks anyway though, in this case, your analysis was pretty close to the mark.

Brad Fittler: Heh Mark. Marky Mark and the Ffffunky Bunch!

AV: Actually Dell doesn’t sound so bad now. Anyway, on to the second game of Friday night and the Tigers took on New Zealand at Campbelltown. Brad Fittler was there for Channel 9, Freddy, what did you think of the Tigers’ big win?

BF: Thanks Vossy, yeh I was out at Scrumbletown for the big game. It was pretty close for a while then the Tiges just went whoooooosh.

AV: Doesn’t get much more concise than that! Cheers Freddy.

BF: Nah mate I’m not done yet. So yeh, big win for the Tiges. Best for the Tiges was Ellis, Robbie and young Daniela. Love his speed! I love it! But not sure about his passing, Robbie juggled and fuggled it around before scoring right before the half.

For the Warriors, big Packer was solid as was Tate, while young Thai wasn’t bad. Well actually I didn’t notice him play, I just like his name. Pad Thai hahaha.

AV: Nice one Freddy, can’t believe you actually said that on the broadcast. You’re living every 35 year old bogan’s dream life you know that?

BF: Nah Joey’s the bogan, Cessnock is wayyyy more bogan than Penno!

Andrew Johns: Is not!

BF: Is too! No returns!

AJ: Vossy, tell him he can’t do no returns!

AV: Alright boys, settle down. Geez…at least MG just argues with his other personalities, this is much worse! Anyway, on to the Saturday night games and we’re joined by the head of Fox Sports’ ‘Dream Team’ (giggle), self-anointed Brisbane supporter and former Cleo Bachelor of the Year Ryan Phelan for his description of the Sharks v. Broncos game. Ryan?

Ryan Phelan: Cheers Vossy. I mean, what an honour to work with some of the greats of the modern game!

BF: Heh, he said gay!

RP: But on to the action at hand and Cronulla turned up at Toyota Stadium all pumped up and raring for action. But someone forgot to tell the weather, which was AGAIN pretty average for a Cronulla home game! I tell you, they have the worst luck there is!

But Cronulla had more bad luck when they fell behind in the first half. Lockyer’s try-saving tackle on Barrett was a stand-out play, but how often would it happen? Rarely I say. And Tupou’s steal was certainly no worse than Thurston’s in Origin 1, but the referees show no signs of consistency and Brisbane received the penalty for a 2-point lead. Just before half time, Brisbane put the first try on as big Izzy took the kick to touch down.

Brisbane secured their lead with another Lock. As in, a Lock-yer try. Cronulla tried hard but was not helped by Tim Smith. I think even he would admit he had a tough night. He’s a good halfback but he’s no…..Mitchell Pearce (obligatory Fox Sports brown-nosing Mitchell Pearce endorsement alert!!!). Some poor options from Smith saw Brisbane run down field and finish the game with a try to Winterstein.

There you go, boys. I may have received this job because I’m a pretty face and I’m not the arrogant know-it-all that Warren Smith is, but I think you’ll agree that was some pretty sharp game summarisation right there. If you agree, call me on the Fox Fan Fone now!

AV: Cheers Ryan, thanks for that. I reckon you should sit by that ‘fone’ and wait for the calls yourself mate coz there’ll be plenty (not).

On to the next game: the Cowboys and Manly. Look at the list of great halfbacks who have made insightful judges after their career has finished: Sterling….umm…Johns (gulp), Mortimer….(eek)….Freeman….the game’s greatest thinker hahahahahahahaha Ricky Stuart…Mr. Excitement himself Michael Hagan. Yep, what an awesome list. But our next guest is here pretty much because it’s a condition of his new massive contract, welcome to Johnathan Thurston!

Johnathan Thurston: THANKS VOSSY, I’M LIKE STOKED TO BE HERE, THE PILLS AND ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY HAVE PRETTY MUCH WORKED AND I’M CALM NOW AFTER SATURDAY NIGHT…

AV: That’s um…great mate.

JT: YEH I EFFIN THOUGHT SO TOO AY. SEE, I CAN SAY EFFIN AND RELEASE MY FRUSTRATION WITHOUT OFFENDING ANY SOFTC….

AV: Ok ok, wohhh, steady on there.

JT: SORRY VOSSY, I GUESS I’M STILL ANGRY. I MEAN, HOW THE firetruck DID WE LOSE TO THAT JOKE OF A TEAM?! SORRY, BUT THEY HAD NO FORAN AND MOST OF THEIR FORWARDS BACKING UP FROM ORIGIN, THEY WERE RIPE FOR THE TAKING!!!! AND THEN JAMIE firetrucking LYON GOT INJURED AND THEY GOT EVEN MORE faeces!!

HOW THE way DID WE LET FOUR EASY firetrucking TRIES DOWN OUR RIGHT SIDE IN ABOUT FIVE firetrucking MINUTES IN THE FIRST HALF?? WITH THREE OF THEM TO A firetrucking GUY ON DEBUT?!?!?!

FINALLY WE STARTED PLAYING NEAR OUR BEST BUT THEN I COULDN’T firetrucking KICK ANY GOALS, MY firetrucking AIM WAS WORSE THAN A firetrucking EXECUTIONER WITH firetrucking PARKINSON’S!! HERE’S AN EXAMPLE…

Andy Raymond: “Gee, the Cowboys nearly butchered that try as Ah Mau waited until it was almost too late to find support, but luckily Ash Graham was on the spot to make it a double and now Thurston lines up the kick…”

JT (at game): (adjusts headgear) (adjusts jersey on right shoulder) (adjusts jersey on right upper arm) (sort of yawns, sort of as if trying to eat something above his mouth, sort of like a cat about to clean itself) (more adjusting of head gear) (more jersey manipulation) (more jaw exercises) (more justification why he is known as Feral)…..

AR: “….and Thurston hooks that one just to the side, he’s missed two in a row now”

JT (at game): firetruck!!! firetrucking firetruck!!! (destroys water bottle)

JT: BUT NOT ONLY THAT, WE BUTCHERED TRY AFTER firetrucking TRY OVER ABOUT 10 firetrucking MINUTES! WHY DID I RE-SIGN TO PLAY WITH SUCH A BUNCH OF firetrucking people suffering from mental OR physical handicaps?!

ANYWAY FINALLY O’DONNELL BARGES OVER, I FINALLY KICK A firetrucking GOAL AND WE’RE BACK IN IT. BUT THERE’S STILL TIME FOR US TO BLOW A FEW MORE CHANCES THEN TOP IT OFF WITH A BREAK IN THE FINAL MINUTE THAT’S CALLED BACK ABOUT AN HOUR AND A firetrucking HALF LATER!!! THAT LITTLE segment of faeces OF A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A REF CAN’T EVEN firetrucking TELL ME WHY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, EVERYONE firetrucking KNOWS ME UP HERE SO I CAN’T GO AND commit various acts of abuse against groupies, animals and/or my wife LIKE I DID AT THE BULLDOGS!! NO WONDER I’M SO FRUSTRATED ON THE FIELD!! AHHHHHHHH!

Andrew Johns: I know what you’re saying JT, I blew up against Manly in ’06 just like you did. Luckily though, I was able to get away with everything because I was idolised in Newcastle. Just keep it all in-house, have a confessional interview with Gould after your career is over and it will be sweet.

WS: Very true Joey. Rugby League is very forgiving if you play your cards right. At times, my life was a living hell. I called those times “Rugby”. I was also done for drugs. But if you say sorry, give the punters plenty of what they want to hear, then anything can be repaired. It might take a bit longer with you, I’m not sure it’s been done with someone resembling Neanderthal Man before, but it’s definitely possible.

BF: If all else fails, JT, you can act like a 10-year old kid. Works for me!

AV: Now there’s a Master Class I’m not sure we really wanted to hear. Thanks to JT for that…game report…of sorts.

On to Sunday’s action and first up was the almost unrecognisable Storm and the quite recognisable but not form-wise Bulldogs. Former Bulldog, the Big Marn himself, Darryl Brohman was there.

Darryl Brohman: Gee, thanks Vossy, way to throw me in the deep end! How is my incredibly self-deprecating façade and pretending to be an idiot going to work against these actual idiots? I couldn’t get to Fittler’s level if I slept in a concrete mixer!

Anyway, my old team the Bulldogs desperately needed a win, but Melbourne’s care-free attitude and team list almost devoid of stars made the Bulldogs’ task much harder from a mental perspective. How do you fire yourself up for a huge effort when most of the opposition’s good players are sitting on the sidelines?

In the first half, the Bulldogs went about as well as I do trying not to eat or trying not to be totally pathetic in search for a laugh from my increasingly tired act, they were down 23-nil at the break. Some highlights were Josh Morris’ pathetic attempted pass back to Patten after a grubber kick which gave Melbourne their third try, a collective pathetic attempt to regain a Melbourne line drop-out which saw Melbourne come up with the ball and Ben Hannant looking almost as fat as me!

To answer my earlier question, the Bulldogs found a 23-point deficit was a good way to fire up and looked a lot better after half-time. If it wasn’t for one of the great try-saving tackles by Matt Duffie and a bizarre no-try ruling (under the current stupid rules) by the video referee on a Blake Green effort, the Bulldogs may well have snatched a victory against the careless Storm. Just like I may live to see 60 thanks to my utter disregard for my health in order to perpetuate this pathetic “Big Marn” persona. In the end, a solid win for the Storm.

AV: Not much I can add to that! Andrew Johns saw Souths take on Penrith in the other Sunday game. Joey, what did you think?

AJ: Truth be told, Vossy, I don’t think very often, but the massively furrowed brow I display when I’m on camera but not talking can give that impression.

Anyway, Souths and Penrith, two very capable teams, but two inconsistent teams as well. Penrith definitely missed big Petero and probably were in need of a tough game after some of their easy wins in recent weeks. Souths’ yo-yo form was in the positive to start with and they raced to a 22-6 lead. Penrith have been killing it with their kicking game and great fullback play, but it was Souths using these weapons, with Sandow and Wesser on the edges having great games.

The second half saw both sides return to form, Souths got comfy and Penrith fought back but Souths were never really threatened, Wesser in vintage form as the Bunnies won comfortably. The question is: can they back this up next week?

BF: Bo-ring! Someone get this guy a fun transplant?

JT: YEH NAH THEY PROBABLY WILL WIN AGAIN COZ THEY PLAY US NEXT AND I’M PROLLY GONNA GET SUSPENDED FOR SWEARING TOO MUCH. WHERE THE firetruck DID THEY COME UP WITH THAT cow faeces?!

BF: The same place Mr Boring over there comes up with his boring commentary!

AJ: Shutup! I’m just doing my job like you should try to do for once since you’ve finished playing! Are we nearly done here Vossy? Me and Freddy were gonna hit up the TAB.

AV: Trust me guys, I’d love nothing more than let you go, but there’s one game left. On Monday night, the Sydney Roosters turned around a two-game losing streak with an impressive win on the Gold Coast. Laurie Daley was there.

WS: Lozza! He loves the Dragons almost as much as I do! Dean Young for Origin 2!

Laurie Daley: Thanks Vossy, and the Sydney Roosters were ‘uge tonight in gitting the job done with a comprehensive effort over the Gold Coast. It looked ominous early on as the Titans jumped to a 10-nil lead on the back of Scotty Prince and his show-and-go move. You’ve seen a hundred times but it gits the defender to pause briefly and you’re gone. Some say he’d play for NSW if he was a New South Welshman. Not me though, Kimmorley is a solid halfback with that size we’re looking and a reliable kicking game.

But this was a bit too easy and the Titans relaxed a little, their attitude suffered and the Roosters responded with 4 tries, two came from Anasta and Anthony Minichiello. These guys were wonderful servants for New South Wales. Mini’s probably a bit too old, but Anasta…nah, I’ve been in love with Barrett for years, if anyone’s going to make me forget about playing Jamie Lyon at five-eighth, it’s Barrett not Anasta.

Prince set up another try and cut the deficit to 2 at half-time, but the game was won with the Roosters’ excellent defence early in the second half before sealing the win with 2 tries. Nate Myles had a great game but he’s certainly no Ben Creagh. Mitchell Pearce returned from injury and set up a number of tries, I spoke with him after the game.

Mitchell Pearce: “Yeh nah we wen ok d’night, yeh I was pretty ‘appy, y’know, yeh me shoulder’s swoit nah it’s tops ay, yeh nah the platform laid by the forwards and I just followed it ay yeh nah, but yeh they’re a good team and ‘ard to beat up ‘ere so it’s good to get away with the win”

LD: I’m no oil painting with enunciation and clear speaking but geez… Can’t give anything away about his Origin chances, but the panel love Kimmorley and Bellamy believes we’re not that far away. You don’t want to be changing things going up to Lang Park. But yeh, not giving anything away. Anyway, an impressive effort by the Roosters in gitting the job done with a ‘uge effort.

AV: If I was the AFL, I’d just give up now – what a collection of minds and collective intelligence! Thanks for watching, regular transmission will I’m sure resume next week.

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Round 11: Oche Oche Oche Oi Oi Oi

Australia loves its sport – both participating in it and watching it played professionally – more than perhaps any other country in the world. However, most sports-loving Australians find it difficult to keep up with their sporty brethren who largely ply their trade in far-flung locales across the world.

This is largely a product of the media’s interest; unless the sport (or event) in question is highly supported or of paramount importance, the media find it hard to muster much interest. This is especially the case for the lesser sports…unless, of course, there is a chance for the media to jump on a successful Aussie athlete’s bandwagon.

Some earlier examples of sportsmen and women in the lesser sports standing proudly under the Southern Cross celebrating victory were Craig Johnston and Layne Beachley. However, in the few months thus far of 2010, there seems to have been a greater than normal number of successful Aussies in the lesser sports abroad: the likes of Andrew Bogut (who had climbed into the upper echelon of NBA big men – where no Aussie has ever been – before his season was cruelly cut short by injury), Mark Webber (recording back-to-back F1 wins), Neil Robertson (the first Australian winner of snooker’s world championship since 1952) and Doug Bollinger (who helped the Chennai Super Kings win the fledgling Indian Premier League)

However, the best story in 2010 for an Aussie sportsman plying his trade out of Australia and earning acclaim once news of his efforts was heard must be darts player Simon Whitlock. After a number of years bouncing around the lower darts competitions in the UK with occasional success, he surprised many by making it to the World Championship final earlier this year. He finished runner-up to perhaps the greatest living sportsman (English darts legend Phil Taylor) but gave a solid account of himself.

Whitlock’s emergence earned him a place in the prestigious Premier League of darts, where he finished second to Taylor on the ladder after the fourteen ‘home and away’ rounds. Sadly for Whitlock (and this Roast), he couldn’t win his semi-final (Tuesday morning Australian time) and finished in 4th place. This may have been for the best though, as Taylor regained his Premier League title after losing it last year with a display never before seen in darts history.

As a tribute to Whitlock and his wonderful efforts to emerge in the relatively closed world of darts – not just for his excellent play, but also his happy-go-lucky demeanour, which sees him not receive abuse or even heckling from the drunken British crowds – this week’s Roast will describe each of the week’s games in darting parlance.

To elaborate, each game recap will include an example of brilliant play, of hard luck and of absolute rubbish. To elaborate further:

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY”: This refers to the maximum score possible from every 3 darts thrown (3 x triple 20). This usually sends the crowd into wild cheering.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty”: This refers to a dart not plugging into the board fully and falling out before the player has a chance to get to the board, or if the dart hits another dart or the metal dividers and bounces back on to the floor: millimetres away from a high-scoring play.

“No score”: This could be, for example, scoring a double 19 when aiming for a double 3 with only 6 points needed to win the leg (the end of a leg of darts, scoring backwards from 501, can only be achieved when a double, or throwing a dart into the outer ring of the board, is successfully done).

Newcastle v Tigers

This game brought together two teams desperate for a turnaround in form. Newcastle was looking for back to back wins for the first time this season and a home win to avoid their worst start to a season at home since the abysmal 2005 season, while the Tigers were looking to avoid their 5th straight loss and breaking the 20-point barrier for the first time in 4 games (a record they hadn’t matched since the dark days of 2003).

The addition of wind and rain to this tense affair only made things more difficult. Viewers suffered for much of the first half too as both teams struggled. But the second half saw the Tigers slowly take over, blowing the score out past 20 with two late tries.

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY” goes to the Tigers’ ability to play excellent wet-weather rugby league and physically dominate a bigger team. From about the 20 minute mark onwards, the Tigers had the better of field position, won the battle of the ruck and played a much better game in the wet. These qualities were rarely if ever associated with the dry-track specialists from Sydney’s (inner) west.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty” goes to Newcastle’s injuries. Their win against the Roosters last week was perhaps their best of the season, but this came at the cost of a number of important players, including Jarrod Mullen and Isaac De Gois. These losses were crucial as Newcastle was severely lacking in on-field brains against the Tigers.

“No score” goes to Newcastle’s dumb play. Allowing the Tigers to score from their simple scrum play? Not playing the simple kicking game for field position in the wet? Newcastle certainly missed some players, but even allowing for this, they played dumb. Scott Dureau had a great chance to show his abilities and perhaps help his quest to be re-signed but a silver lining to this game for the Knights had to be that their thoughts on Dureau were further confirmed.

Parramatta v Cronulla

The current NRL definition of bogey team has to be Cronulla for Parramatta. Cronulla’s plucky, lucky victory meant they have now defeated Parramatta at Parramatta five consecutive times, while they’ve defeated Parramatta at all venues five times out of six. This was actually a quite entertaining game, as Cronulla looked far from the last-running team with an enterprising mix of strong forward play and a wide-running backline.

Meanwhile, Parramatta was missing Hayne and Tahu and had to back up from a tough game against Manly after just 5 days, but looked a real threat to score every time they moved into Cronulla’s attacking area. Admittedly, this was not often, as Parramatta’s forwards struggled, but some slices of luck gave them a few tries and an 18-10 lead early in the second half.

However, Parramatta couldn’t put Cronulla away and tries to Tim Smith and Paul Aiton gave Cronulla back the lead. Parra came close, but couldn’t reply, giving Cronulla a well-deserved win.

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY” goes to Cronulla, who hadn’t played so well and confidently in….years. Did they know Ricky Stuart was quitting and hence gave their ‘week-after-the-coach-is-sacked’ top-shelf performance a week early? Time will tell. But if they can play like this more often, the NRL season will be much better for it.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty” goes to the unlucky set of factors against Parramatta. Not only was it their bogey team at their bogey venue, but coming off playing at the heavy Brookvale Oval only 5 days earlier and facing a full-strength Cronulla during Origin time were all unfortunate. During the game, Parramatta was a touch unlucky to have a try disallowed which probably would have sealed victory after a downfield kick was deflected (but Ben Smith – the recipient of the deflection – was offside).

“No score” goes to Parramatta for a game they definitely should have won. They led 18-10 and had ample opportunity to score again and put Cronulla away but failed to do so. One play during this time which sticks in the mind is Joel Reddy’s rather pathetic left-foot grubber kick. Circumstances might have been against them, but two losses to Cronulla may come back to haunt the Eels.

New Zealand v South Sydney

This was a close game in the end, so by definition it was a ‘thriller’ as reported by the media. However, both teams would have been unhappy after this game, the Warriors really should have won by more, while Souths had a number of great chances to win given the Warriors’ poor finish to the game.

The Warriors started well, but Souths responded with 3 tries, before another 3 tries from the Warriors gave them a strong 8-point lead. The Warriors faded somewhat from here and Souths came back, but couldn’t finish the comeback thanks to a slew of dropped ball and errors in the game’s last 10 minutes.

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY” goes to the Warriors for defeating a noteworthy opponent despite losing two key players (Moloney and Rapira) to injury. They probably should have lost, but the Warriors’ task was made much more difficult by these injuries and as such, they probably deserve a touch more credit.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty” goes to John Sutton and Sam Burgess, who were probably the best two players on the field. Burgess in particular had a very strong game, but Souths’ annoying habit of following up massive wins with poor performances continued in this game.

“No score” goes to the messy last 10 minutes of this game. The Warriors’ kicking game with a rapidly tiring team was awful. Apparently they didn’t know about putting the ball out for a slow walk to the scrum to replenish energy levels, or even to kick the ball to the corner to make Souths’ task that much more difficult. All they could muster were kicks straight to the Souths’ backmen. That is, from those sets they actually completed. Souths took advantage of Warriors’ mistakes and threatened to score a number of times but dropped the ball far too often.

St George Illawarra v Canberra

This surprisingly entertaining game was decided in about 5 minutes, when the game’s evenness was blown apart by three quick Canberra tries. The gallant, almost reserve grade Dragons never stopped trying to come back in the game but they fell 8 points short.

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY” goes to both teams for such a high quality game. Canberra obviously needed to be aggressive and utilise their size and speed on the edges against such a young Dragons side to score a much-needed win, but the young Dragons were fearless and far from conservative. Several Dragons on debut or in their first few games look set for long careers, especially Fai Fai Loa and Kyle Stanley.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty” goes to the unlucky Dragons, who lost two key players in the lead-up to the game (in addition to their Origin representation and previous injury toll). Beau Scott’s absence on the right-side defence was crucial; Canberra frequently went down this avenue at the vulnerable Soward and only inexperienced players around him. But they also missed Dan Hunt, who sadly suffered a season-ending injury in the warm-up.

“No score” goes to the Dragons’ Michael Lett, once a highly touted up-and-coming player. He has largely failed to live up to this potential, but his main fault on Sunday was his knock-on from a simple downfield kick. Canberra took over possession and went on their three-try rampage – game pretty much over.

Penrith v Canterbury

In the end, Penrith won this game rather easily, but this was not without several helpings of luck. Luckily for them, the Bulldogs were without almost all of their creative players and were never going to overhaul any sizeable deficit. Penrith could have played much better but it was a fairly significant win for them, without three of their main leaders.

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY” goes to the remaining Penrith players, especially in the forwards (Grant, Pritchard, Puletua etc.). In years past, they have struggled when Civoniceva, Lewis and Waterhouse have been absent and the prospect of playing the Bulldogs without Kimmorley and Ennis might once have induced complacency.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty” goes to the Bulldogs, who fell victim to the Origin selection policy of picking ‘trusted’ players i.e. players who were playing well last season. Kimmorley and Ennis have looked patchy this season in a struggling team but they retained their Origin spots. The Bulldogs might have been a real chance in this one with one or both of these players.

“No score” goes to the Bulldogs, who went with an extremely conservative game plan, despite an eighty minute appearance from self-anointed x-factor Ben Barba. Their reliance on dummy-half running, especially in the first half made the Roosters look adventurous. And when they fell behind, there was not much change.

NSW v Qld

An extremely disappointing Origin game was played last night in Sydney. New South Wales had evidently learned nothing from the past four years and fell victim to the same selection mistakes and many of the same Queensland plays seen time and time again between 2006 and 2009. While the illusion of closeness was provided by a tight score-line for much of the first half and at full time, this game was over after about 20 minutes, when Queensland realised their forwards could dominate at will, their halves could do what they want and they could go left at any time with little trickery and confuse a hastily-assembled NSW left-side defence.

“ONNNNNNE HUNDRED AND EIGHTTTTTTTY” goes to a very good Queensland side for their efficient demolition of NSW. Their annoying habit of clocking off in non-key moments keeps the game interesting for those with no knowledge of the game, but they were always in control here. Sadly, for those who love a great contest, this inept NSW team will probably never push Queensland to somewhere near their best; we may never know exactly how great this Queensland team can be.

“ONNNNNNE….One Hundred and Twenty” goes to those New South Wales players who could be, or once were, Origin greats, but whose talent is buried deep within the mess that is the New South Wales “structure”. This “structure” is anything but; as a result, the Queensland team has little trouble taking on the 17 NSW individuals.

“No score” goes to such a disgraceful New South Wales squad, with umpteen players out of position, a captain who doesn’t deserve a spot in the starting team, a forward pack that struggles to go forward and too many players picked on reputation (from Game 3 last season). Sadly, for those wanting a great game, the NSW selectors are bound to be too conservative to make the necessary changes (including themselves) before this series is won in Game 2.

On that depressing note, see you next week.

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Round 10: Those were the days - A Heritage Roast

In this week’s Roast, we take a look back at Round 10 – the Heritage Round – with each game accompanied by a memorable previous encounter between each set of teams (as described by the Roast of the day).

Brisbane v. Gold Coast

Yesterday: Round 24 2008, Brisbane defeated Gold Coast 25-21 (guest presented by Bruce McAvaney).

Suncorp Stadium – the old Lang Park – what an amazing ground it is, but more importantly for NRL followers, almost every game played there is top-shelf. This is only the Titans’ second season in the NRL but they have a wonderful rivalry with their older brothers up the road in Brisbane. Brisbane started strongly when Joel Clinton barged over, but Gold Coast dominated the rest of the first half. Can I just say I love Preston Campbell? Sure, he’s no Cathy, but he’s not far off. Preston had a wonderful first half, but he backed up in the second with a broken jaw. Aww gee, what courage, what toughness!

But Brisbane have become experts over the years at holding out the best an opponent has to offer and then coming back with their best and this game was no different. Lockyer guided the ship around but he had important help from Admirals Wallace and Ennis and Gold Coast was sinking fast. Somehow they found a life raft in the form of a surprise try and the game was tied at 20-all.

With under 10 minutes left, the field goal shootout began and gee three of the game’s best battled it out. Lockyer, who won the corresponding match last season, Prince and Rogers (with his surprisingly long boot): with a top-4 spot on the line for Brisbane and death staring Gold Coast in the face if they lose this game, a battle for the ages loomed!! Up stepped Lockyer, who gave Brisbane the lead, but a strip by Rogers gave Gold Coast one more chance and Prince took it to golden point!

Unfortunately for the plucky Titans and heroic little Preston, Lockyer won the game for Brisbane by stepping past the rushing defence and setting up the try for Eastwood. Two years running for Brisbane and Lockyer winning this fixture, but I couldn’t help shedding a tear for Preston and the Gold Coast, so gutsy and just falling short.

Today: Brisbane defeated Gold Coast 28-6. While this game was not decided in the final moments, it was still quite entertaining as Brisbane proved their excellent win over Melbourne was not a fluke, easily disposing of another very talented team. However, Gold Coast was probably due for a flat performance after a tough run of games. This should not detract from Brisbane’s effort though; Queensland would be ecstatic if Thaiday and Folau could replicate their performance from this game and the Melbourne game in the upcoming State of Origin series.

Canterbury v. St George Illawarra

Yesterday: Round 10 2009, St George Illawarra defeated Canterbury 20-18.

Much has been said already about video referee Steve Clark’s abhorrent decision in the game’s final minute to deny the Bulldogs what would have been a famous win, but perhaps the most salient point left unsaid in the game’s aftermath was that allowing Idris’ try to stand would have been the first step in ending the pedantry which has enveloped officials’ decision-making in recent years. There might have been a very minor obstruction on Soward by Eastwood as Patten made the break, but to allow this decision to prevent a match-winning try…it left a bad taste in the mouth of Bulldogs’ supporters and most neutrals.

This was especially the case given the stirring nature of the Bulldogs’ comeback. They absorbed much pressure from the Dragons in the first half (although were let off the hook somewhat by a struggling Dragons’ attack) and slowly forced their way back into the game. They had to endure a questionable sin bin on Kimmorley before continuing the comeback. A memorable finish was building and did eventuate – but not as most anticipated.

However, the Bulldogs have long been beneficiaries of controversial refereeing decisions in big games, the most relevant of which came from Steve Clark – the video referee on Friday night – during his on-field referee days in a controversial semi-final at Kogarah in 1998. St George (note the exclusion of Illawarra here) supporters with long memories (a tautology if ever there was one) would also be quick to note the Bulldogs’ good fortune in their 1985 grand final win, while most rugby league followers would also recall the unease at various refereeing blunders when the Bulldogs defeated Manly in 1995.

But for Steve Clark to help the Dragons out in such a big way: the Tuesday Roast could have been knocked over with a feather when this was realised. It just goes to show that everything with refereeing decisions does even out in the end (assuming you take a sufficient time horizon).

(The other 2 games between these teams at Kogarah were also memorable; a 2006 epic where the rampant Bulldogs forward pack matched up against a potent Dragons attack and an early season match-up in 1999 where the Bulldogs won a tight one with memories of a controversial semi-final loss at the same ground in late 1998 still fresh in the mind of all players and supporters. Kogarah also played host to another tight game between these teams in 1990, where a last-minute try to Cameron Wade and then a sideline conversion by Brad Mackay gave the Dragons a 9-8 victory. In one of history’s more memorable calling-of-a-result-too-soon, a young Tuesday Roast and Father Tuesday Roast heard the cheers of the Kogarah crowd as the Dragons scored the late win ― as they were walking back to the car to beat the traffic.)

Today: St George Illawarra defeated Canterbury 19-6. While the Bulldogs were missing a few regular players, they started this game strongly, jumping to an early lead and threatening to overwhelm their opposition. However, after the blip of losing to Manly last week, the Dragons got back on the ‘grinding out victories’ horse; slowly but surely they got the better of this game and won quite comfortably. Once again, the Dragons did this without a number of important players, highlighting their depth and consistency.

New Zealand v. North Queensland

Yesterday: Round 15, 2004, North Queensland defeated New Zealand 28-26 (in golden point).

Sunday’s action kicked off in Auckland, where the Cowboys came back late and eventually defeated the Warriors in golden point extra time. This result means Siberia has now lost only 1 of its last 7 games – an effort worthy of celebratory golden showers. However, this game was not so much won by the Cowboys as thrown away by the Warriors, who missed 5 out of 6 shots at goal and were repeatedly baited into giving away stupid penalties.

Today: New Zealand defeated North Queensland 22-12. Despite the Cowbores once again sneaking Feral Thurston back early from injury, the major effort needed to back up a Monday night win with a Saturday night win proved far too much. The Warriors jumped to a large early lead and held on for a comfortable win despite a patchy second half.

Canberra v. Melbourne

Yesterday: Round 6 2008, Melbourne defeated Canberra 23-16.

However, the best game of the Heritage Round was played last night in Canberra. The home team (who was missing a host of regular and important players) gave a textbook display of physical rugby league in the first half: they led Melbourne 16-4 at half time. Melbourne should not have been disgraced: few, if any, teams would have survived such an onslaught and while they were not quite at their best, they certainly were not playing poorly, although they should have been concerned at the dominance of Canberra’s Colin Best over their right-side outside backs.

It became apparent in the minutes after half-time that the proud Storm was playing at a higher level, but Canberra was still comfortably in the lead and repelled the Storm’s early efforts. They threatened to put the game out of reach – history shows that once Melbourne concedes 20 points, they are next to no chance of winning – when the aforementioned Best caught a high kick and went towards the corner. But Melbourne’s Billy Slater – who had a relatively poor game to that point – made a great effort to just push Best into touch.

From here, Melbourne’s effort and intensity lifted several notches. Their defence wrested the momentum away from the Canberra forwards, while Melbourne’s attack became more incisive, with Slater assuming a much more dominant role. In addition to moving into dummy half, he constantly looked to exploit gaps in the middle of the tiring Canberra defence.

Slater eventually scored and Melbourne looked a chance of running away with the game: an extremely unlikely possibility in the first half. But Canberra’s effort – and a bit of luck – kept the score at 16-all until a Melbourne field goal. Even after finally assuming the lead, Melbourne’s defensive effort didn’t relent. Canberra was next to no chance of gaining attacking field position, so they gambled with several attacking kick plays, which almost paid off.

When Cooper Cronk finally produced an attacking kick which hit the intended target (and a try for Israel Folau), perhaps the best game thus far in 2008 was decided: a 7-point Storm win. They rarely have had to work harder: who would have thought such an effort would be required against an almost second-string Canberra team?

Today: Melbourne defeated Canberra 17-6. This was another disappointing home game for Canberra (although some of their more vocal supporters enjoyed themselves waving paper currency of various denominations at the Storm players). With so much more to play for, with a home crowd behind them, Canberra struggled against a Melbourne side which played quite well coming off the hiding to Brisbane, but was not at their best. Melbourne jumped to an early lead and was relatively comfortable in keeping Canberra at bay.

Sydney Roosters v. Newcastle

Yesterday: Round 6 2008, Newcastle defeated Sydney Roosters 34-20 at Gosford.

The Roosters’ size and consistency meant they were strong favourites to win their 4th in a row – and, in doing so, send Newcastle to their 4th straight loss – at the historical Rugby League stronghold of Gosford on Sunday.

Once again, Newcastle’s awesome attacking potential was on display: their sweeping passes combined with their above-average speed and size at most positions. However, they were let down for most of this game by unforced mistakes, poor decision making in attack and conceding too many penalties. The less skilful but smarter and more consistent Roosters took advantage and deserved to lead 20-12 at half-time.

The game took a curious turn in the first 20 or so minutes of the second half. Newcastle gradually took control of the game but the scoreboard didn’t change. Almost every time the Knights had the ball, they seriously threatened to breach the Roosters, but a number of tries were squandered due to questionable attacking options. Sure, Newcastle’s second-rowers are skilful, but their supporters (and coach) were understandably frustrated to see them putting in attacking kicks before the last tackle in somewhat normal attacking situations.

But the Roosters’ normally solid game was coming apart at the seams. Their error count was unusually high, meaning they were unable to put any sustained pressure on Newcastle (and therefore unable to give much of a rest to their tiring defence) and they started conceding penalties at important times.

With 12 minutes left, the Roosters looked increasingly likely to hang on, but finally Newcastle’s attack clicked and how: 4 tries in the final 12 minutes. Admittedly, the Roosters tackled themselves into the ground: they barely saw the ball in the game’s final 15 minutes, but it was an impressive end to an entertaining game.

Today: Newcastle defeated Sydney Roosters 32-18. Just over two years since the match described above and Newcastle could still be described as having “awesome attacking potential” (even with Ben Rogers in their team) but all too often, this potential is not realised. However, Saturday night was one of those games where the Knights looked awesome, despite a mounting injury toll and the disruption of an unfamiliar halves pairing. The Roosters clearly miss Mitchell Pearce badly and could struggle to add to their premiership points tally until he does.

Wests Tigers v. Souths

Yesterday: Round 24 2007, Souths defeated Wests Tigers 37-12.

The capacity crowd at Leichhardt for the Tigers v Souths game on Sunday afternoon was not as large as the record crowd for the corresponding fixture in 2005, but those Tigers supporters unable to secure tickets to the game were most likely happy they couldn’t attend. Given what was at stake (for both teams), it was a woeful Tigers effort. Robbie Farah’s injury was obviously a major setback, but their poor attitude and lack of intensity likely wouldn’t have led to victory even if Farah was on the field.

The Tigers’ poor game was in stark contrast to Souths’ brilliant effort. They followed the lead of teams such as Brisbane, Parramatta, the Bulldogs and the Warriors in exploiting their size advantage to thrash the Tigers.

Today: Souths defeated Wests Tigers 50-10. Unlike a number of games between these teams in recent years, this game was fairly low quality from the outset. It was Souths who overcame their poor start and jumped to an 18-6 halftime lead; a similar lead which the Tigers enjoyed in the corresponding fixture last season, but there was no comeback this time. On the contrary, as the passes stuck and the confidence grew, Souths ran away with the game. The challenge for Souths is to back up an exceptional effort like this with another win; the challenge for the Tigers is to score 20 points.

Cronulla v. Penrith

Yesterday: Round 24 2006, Penrith defeated Cronulla 32-28.

First up on Saturday was Cronulla vs. Penno. This game was always going to be hard on the eye, given that both teams have been performing so poorly in recent weeks, but both were still in contention for the playoffs. Both teams started nervously and rarely impressed. Penrith was first to string a few competent plays together and took an 8-nil lead, but they proved just as good giving up tries. Cronulla found the try-line rather easily to take a 10-8 lead to half-time and added 3 more tries in quick succession. Penrith again faded badly and Cronulla finally ended their long losing streak. Wait...Penrith just scored. They scored again, making the score respectable. They scored AGAIN! They're only two points down! It's an old-fashion Cronulla choke! Lance Thompson is now a true Shark. THEY SCORED AG...no, wait, an incredible tackle from Darren Albert knocked the unfortunate Danny Galea into touch and kept Cronulla's slim lead. But now Penrith pushed hard in the scrum and got the ball back!! It's Cronulla's ball again, but Thompson has made another mistake! Preston Campbell with the kick and Penrith score! They're in front! Cronulla got the ball back from the kick-off, but Adam Dykes, in his infinite wisdom, decided running into defenders with the ball on the last tackle was the best option – game over. Congratulations Cronulla – you've now lost in every possible way in this losing streak.

Today: Penrith defeated Cronulla 34-14. On paper, Penrith looked likely to thrash Cronulla; a few minutes of Michael Jennings brilliance could have exceeded Cronulla’s point output in a month. But Penrith has long been notorious for losing when heavily expected to win and the bookmakers had long lost faith in Penrith’s ability to win away from home; they had not been favourites to win in a game away from home since Round 13 2007 and they had lost their last four games as favourite away from home going back to early 2006.

Despite Cronulla having won their last two games at home and showing some signs of being competitive, they were largely overwhelmed by Penrith. This occurred even though Penrith wasn’t quite on their game. Michael Jennings lost interest after a hat-trick and this game petered out tamely. However, Penrith supporters would surely take games like this to the heart-stoppers their games against weak opposition can sometimes be.

Manly v. Parramatta

Yesterday: Round 21 2006, Parramatta defeated Manly 31-18.

Next up, Parramatta hosted Manly. Parramatta was perhaps the most in-form team in the NRL entering this game, but Manly had quietly accumulated a 3-game winning streak, despite missing some important players. Through the first 50 or so minutes of this game, Parramatta's great play looked set to deliver another big win. They had a 24-8 lead and the soon-to-be-missed Dean Widders went within a dropped ball of making it 30-8. Then the game changed significantly, as Parramatta's Fuifui Moimoi was sent off for a nasty high tackle. He flew near the sun of heavy contact with his wings made of explosive play once too often. After Brent Kite was rescued (following the Moimoi tackle) and returned to King Kennedy, King Kennedy was given one wish. King Kennedy's extreme competitiveness made this an easy decision: he wanted everything he touched to turn to gold. For the 5 minutes after Moimoi went crashing into the sea, King Kennedy's wishes came true and Manly surged back into the game with two quick tries. But the Kennedy touch would do no more - not for Manly anyway. The only further gold would come for the blue-and-gold, as a Luke Burt try sealed the win for Parramatta, which disturbed Zorba on the Manly bench.

Today: Parramatta defeated Manly 19-12. This was a danger game for Manly. After a tough run of games over the last month or so, as well as the two games for much of their team last weekend, another game against tricky opposition on the heavy Brookvale track was always going to be difficult. Parramatta is an unknown quantity early in the season, but their wayward focus can often be overcome by a big-name opponent; they looked on their game right from the start of this one. Manly looked unlikely to threaten Parramatta unless Parramatta gave them chances; two of these saw Manly eliminate Parra’s 12-nil lead.

More Parramatta mistakes early in the second half saw Manly deep in attack, but they badly missed Kieran Foran and Trent Hodkinson missed his normal halves partner and was probably still suffering after two games last weekend and took a number of bad options during this game. Parramatta scored rather easily on their next major trip downfield against a rapidly tiring Manly defence thanks to a crafty Luke Burt kick and they held on comfortably for the win. For Parramatta, Hayne was brilliant, Hindmarsh never stopped and Humble helped his team look much less retarded than Kris Keating ever did ― why would Parra want to keep him? Meanwhile, Jamie Lyon was Manly’s best but far too many of his team-mates (led by Watmough) looked as though they were running in soft sand.

See you next week.

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Round 9: NRL State of Mind: Doing What Tina Turner, the Hoodoo Gurus & Thomas Keneally couldn’t…?

These are indeed turbulent times in Rugby League. The belated discovery of the Storm’s ongoing disregard for the salary cap, the NRL’s potentially fatal punishment to the Storm and the looming departure of more of the game’s best players to the big-money codes have seen player frustration and disapproval with administration reach levels not seen since Super League days. The possibility of a player strike has been mentioned (probably via the game’s greatest grub Khoder Nasser and his pot-stirring, brown-nosing mate Danny Weidler) but any time Jarryd Hayne strings a coherent sentence together, you know someone’s been coaching him what to say (as well as when to include verbs): the NRL should be quite concerned.

However, until negotiations move beyond embryonic stages for the predicted bumper next round of television broadcast contracts or most clubs (especially the struggling ones) become a lot richer, there is little the NRL can do.

Well, this is not strictly true. The NRL will of course ask the players to be patient (to wait for the broadcast negotiations to start), to be informed (the NRL has ‘opened their books’ to the players at least once before in recent years and may have to again), to think through alternative Storm punishments fully (while the no points this year is very severe, any other punishment which lets them gain points and compete has many more problems, especially down the road) and to think of the cost of leaving for the money (where million-dollar activities can include catching a cold in the outside backs for the Tahs and being an incredible athlete but a sub-par kicker in sports where almost everyone has to kick).

However, the players and their notoriously short attention spans will likely tune out after ‘patient’: something else has to be done in the interim. The game needs an ad campaign to remind everyone just how great the NRL really is, something that even the immature stars of the game can relate to…

NRL State of Mind

Yeah, yeah, I’ma up near Leichhardt back in ‘08
Not two years back but a more momentous date
But the game’s come a long way, far from back in the day
Have a look at the places where we come to play

Leichhardt is still big, but only gets a rare gig
But on a Sunday afternoon, they’re hanging off the figs
Across town at Parra, where they say they matter
The crowd rises as one when Fui batters

Down in the Shire, where they aspire
To sell off the land by the quagmire
You know they can be fun, sometimes they run and gun
I wish I could rap around the post like Ferguson

Over at Brookvale, the home of the Silvertails
The Eagles rock as T-Rex makes them air mail
I love the suburban grounds, they make the world go round
You feel the passion and all of the awesome sounds in…

In the NRL, grassy jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do, in the NRL
Our grounds will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for NRL, RL, RL…..

I gave my love to the burbs, that’s where the game’s birth
But the game today is bout players (like Thaiday)
Like Benji and his sidestep, Hayne and his chip
Idris and his flowing locks, Folau and his leap

Cooper Cronk and his inside ball to Slater
Brett Morris with his pace sayin’ “See you later”
Michael Jennings and his pace lighting up Penny Park
Big Manu the beast always leaves his mark

But the unsung heroes, they deserve plenty of cred
The forwards who work harder for much less bread
Like Big Bull Bailey, he comes to play daily
But then there’s Jason Ryles, or is he a Hayley?

Watmough, Civoniceva, Benny Hannant, Tommy Learoyd Lahrs
When they come together, it’s like a bunch of cars
I love my flashy backs but I love my big pack
It’s all about scoring and knowin who got your back in…

In the NRL, grassy jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do, in the NRL
Our grounds will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for NRL, RL, RL…..

But you know it’s rivalries that make the game not tedious
Not just on the field but also in the media
Also in the boardroom, where ex-players clash
They make dumb arguments trying to protect their cash

First there’s Farah and Mick Ennis
The shifty Leb and Newcastle’s menace
Then there’s J Hodges and Melbourne’s Bretty White
If they meet in Origin, it could be a massive fight

In the media, the hate is deep and it’s been there since Super League
News Ltd Fairfax, Channel 9 Foxtel, 2GB ABC, they all have a story to tell
About the petty dislikes, the needless fights, and the dodging of shrapnel
But at the day’s end, it all moves product, it helps to sell

With the admin, the hate’s a bit more genuine
But everyone seems to hate idiots like Paul Osborne
Except for all the Storm fans who hate Gallop
But where would we be if no-one hated the top dog in…

In the NRL, grassy jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do, in the NRL
Our grounds will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for NRL, RL, RL…..

One hand in the air for the NRL
Bright lights, big dreams and the Big Dell
No comp in the world can compare
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

In the NRL, grassy jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do, in the NRL
Our grounds will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you, let’s hear it for NRL, RL, RL…..

On to discussion of the abridged Round 9 action, where a fairly routine Friday night gave way to a topsy-turvy weekend of bizarre results.

Everyone expected Australia to win and they did this but a resilient Kiwi defence, the dreary Melbourne weather and a somewhat under-strength Kangaroos line-up meant the final margin was far close than most expected. In the other Friday representative game, City surprised Country in taking a 12-nil lead but Country dominated from here, providing some entertaining tries and expansive play to win comfortably.

There are always injuries from these games which impact upon subsequent club fixtures. The Dragons, for example, missed Michael Weyman noticeably on Saturday night, but the Cowbores and Parramatta would have quietly been happy to watch Luke O’Donnell and Kris Keating leave the City Country game with injuries. Not surprisingly, the Cowbores looked much better without O’Donnell and Parramatta should look far less retarded without Keating against Manly next week.

Without Weyman, the Dragons forward pack was lacking a little, but Manly shocked many with a dominant display. With so many players backing up from Friday night and a difficult draw in recent weeks, Manly playing somewhere near their best looked a long-shot, but they were very impressive. The Dragons fought back to 10-6 but a Darius Boyd turnover started a burst of two tries for Manly early in the second half which ended the game as a contest.

There was a significant element of dé ja vu on Mothers Day. Firstly, Newcastle hosted the Gold Coast in another close game where a controversial refereeing decision had a considerable impact on the game’s outcome. However, this year the tries flowed somewhat more freely due to a combination of freewheeling attack, sloppy defence and some inexplicable mistakes and this year, it was Newcastle’s turn to suffer from the officialdom. The penalty given against Ben Cross for an incorrect play-the-ball when Newcastle was deep in attack was at least as poor as the game-deciding penalty given against Scott Prince in the corresponding fixture last year. But Newcastle had the lead when Cross was penalised and over 20 minutes left to secure what should have been a fairly comfortable win. They have only themselves to blame.

More dé ja vu in the later game, where the team under the pump (Brisbane….last year it was Manly) turned their season around with an impressive win. How powerful is a team’s position on the ladder in determining the success of a player’s backing-up from representative games? Last year, Lockyer and Thaiday looked ancient as Manly ran down Brisbane (who started 2009 fairly well) to score a season-turning win. On Sunday, Lockyer and Thaiday had brilliant games as Brisbane (who has started 2010 very poorly) absorbed Melbourne’s best in the opening 20 minutes then thrashed the Storm.

A letdown for Melbourne was always going to come and in hindsight, we should not have been too surprised it came on Sunday (they were white-hot for most of their previous two games, complacency against a struggling Brisbane side had to be an issue and backing up from Friday night – plus the injury to Cameron Smith – would have made things difficult), but merit must be given to Brisbane for one of the performances of the season so far. As mentioned, Lockyer and Thaiday (especially) were excellent, but their effort and intensity were top-shelf across the park from a very young and inexperienced team.

The icing on the cake (which would have been quite bitter…for both teams) was the dominant display of Israel Folau. He scored two tries, set up another and obliterated his direct opponent Greg Inglis. There was probably a strong justification for not picking Folau in the Australian team, given his patchy form and injury, but at his best, Folau is more dominant than Lyon, Jennings, Hodges or anyone else in contention for the right-centre position. Sure, he is an unco when it comes to kicking the ball and passing is far from his forte, but it will be a major loss to rugby league if/when he signs with another code. His potential is (still) frightening.

The final game of the round saw a much-improved effort from the Cowbores – but if the Roosters were anywhere near their best, or even their average, the Sydney side would have won easily. A high mistake count and a lot of generally sloppy play were seen in the game’s first hour, before the Cowbores secured the win with robust defence late on (in response, the Roosters folded faster than Superman on laundry day). It was hard to not to think of the Roosters and their possibly-gambling-induced capitulation to the Cowbores when these teams last met in Round 26 last season as the Cowbores pulled away to record a convincing win last night, but at least (get the sick bags out) Matty Bowen came back from injury! Ohhhhh Matty Bowen, what a player! He may be only a shadow of what he once was with his artificial knee cartilages, but I’ll always remember him as the overrated player he was 3 years ago!

See you next week.

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