Round 12: A Gathering of The Minds

Rugby League has long been renowned as a game, as a code which can shrug off adversity. Like a wide-running Dave Taylor through dogged defence or a Geoff Toovey fighting off one big forward after another, rugby league has emerged triumphant despite being pursued by some of life’s most vicious defenders over much of its 102 year history.

This week, as rugby league is confronted with the next challenger in the form of a big-spending AFL out to attack its core group of supporters (or, at least, their children), the time has come once again to fight back.

But this battle will take more than being able to run through a brick wall or wait out the worst of the damage. The threat of the AFL will not be leaving any time soon. The need for craftiness, savvy and, most of all, intelligence is paramount in preventing an exodus of rugby league’s finest.

After a late night strategic session at NRL HQ at Fox Studios, the Tuesday Roast can exclusively reveal the brains trust hand-picked to steer the greatest game of all out of stormy seas (no pun intended). As a display of their abilities, here is their breakdown of Round 12 of NRL action.

Andrew Voss: Thank you for that ominous welcome and I have to say, I’m excited! I’m not sure how we’ll go at coming up with top-level strategies to keep the likes of Israel For-now in the game, but God damn it, we’re going to have a bit of fun discussing the latest goings-on on the field! Speaking of young Israel, he could do a lot worse than to seek the counsel of our first guest Wendell Sailor.

Wendell Sailor: Too right Vossy, but you know what? I already spoke with Izzy. Wonderful young man, loves his family, I told him to take the money.

AV: Wendell! This was not the counsel I was expecting you to give! Izzy For-now could use some of your famous self-promotional and charismatic skills to persuade the mums, dads and binge-drinking, pack-fighting kids of Minno that AFL is worth watching.

WS: Nah, it’s all good. He’ll be back. All us good men come back. Even Gaz, who I thought was gone for good. But it’s the power of the Big Red V….

AV: And off we go. Get your sick bags ready…

WS: Yep, the Big Red V. How good are we going? Half the team backing up after Origin, half the team coming off a tough game just last Sunday, half the team back from injury — maths never was my strong suit Vossy, but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got the Red V! — and we still kicked Parra’s butt all the way back to last season.

Just way too good in the end and I must say I was not surprised. You know why? Yep, the Red V. To be fair, Parra was missing a few good men, but in the end, you know what? They were told “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” and you know what else they couldn’t handle? Yep, the Big Red V. Just an amazing effort. Jamie marshalling the troops, Darius busting tackles, Brett with the speed, big Horse backing up from Origin, International Dell — in 2 codes don’t forget — with the motivation…everyone contributed.

AV: Amazing. Not the Dragons’ effort – that was pretty standard for this high-achieving team – but anyone who can put up with that self-serving tripe week after week on multiple channels. Thanks anyway though, in this case, your analysis was pretty close to the mark.

Brad Fittler: Heh Mark. Marky Mark and the Ffffunky Bunch!

AV: Actually Dell doesn’t sound so bad now. Anyway, on to the second game of Friday night and the Tigers took on New Zealand at Campbelltown. Brad Fittler was there for Channel 9, Freddy, what did you think of the Tigers’ big win?

BF: Thanks Vossy, yeh I was out at Scrumbletown for the big game. It was pretty close for a while then the Tiges just went whoooooosh.

AV: Doesn’t get much more concise than that! Cheers Freddy.

BF: Nah mate I’m not done yet. So yeh, big win for the Tiges. Best for the Tiges was Ellis, Robbie and young Daniela. Love his speed! I love it! But not sure about his passing, Robbie juggled and fuggled it around before scoring right before the half.

For the Warriors, big Packer was solid as was Tate, while young Thai wasn’t bad. Well actually I didn’t notice him play, I just like his name. Pad Thai hahaha.

AV: Nice one Freddy, can’t believe you actually said that on the broadcast. You’re living every 35 year old bogan’s dream life you know that?

BF: Nah Joey’s the bogan, Cessnock is wayyyy more bogan than Penno!

Andrew Johns: Is not!

BF: Is too! No returns!

AJ: Vossy, tell him he can’t do no returns!

AV: Alright boys, settle down. Geez…at least MG just argues with his other personalities, this is much worse! Anyway, on to the Saturday night games and we’re joined by the head of Fox Sports’ ‘Dream Team’ (giggle), self-anointed Brisbane supporter and former Cleo Bachelor of the Year Ryan Phelan for his description of the Sharks v. Broncos game. Ryan?

Ryan Phelan: Cheers Vossy. I mean, what an honour to work with some of the greats of the modern game!

BF: Heh, he said gay!

RP: But on to the action at hand and Cronulla turned up at Toyota Stadium all pumped up and raring for action. But someone forgot to tell the weather, which was AGAIN pretty average for a Cronulla home game! I tell you, they have the worst luck there is!

But Cronulla had more bad luck when they fell behind in the first half. Lockyer’s try-saving tackle on Barrett was a stand-out play, but how often would it happen? Rarely I say. And Tupou’s steal was certainly no worse than Thurston’s in Origin 1, but the referees show no signs of consistency and Brisbane received the penalty for a 2-point lead. Just before half time, Brisbane put the first try on as big Izzy took the kick to touch down.

Brisbane secured their lead with another Lock. As in, a Lock-yer try. Cronulla tried hard but was not helped by Tim Smith. I think even he would admit he had a tough night. He’s a good halfback but he’s no…..Mitchell Pearce (obligatory Fox Sports brown-nosing Mitchell Pearce endorsement alert!!!). Some poor options from Smith saw Brisbane run down field and finish the game with a try to Winterstein.

There you go, boys. I may have received this job because I’m a pretty face and I’m not the arrogant know-it-all that Warren Smith is, but I think you’ll agree that was some pretty sharp game summarisation right there. If you agree, call me on the Fox Fan Fone now!

AV: Cheers Ryan, thanks for that. I reckon you should sit by that ‘fone’ and wait for the calls yourself mate coz there’ll be plenty (not).

On to the next game: the Cowboys and Manly. Look at the list of great halfbacks who have made insightful judges after their career has finished: Sterling….umm…Johns (gulp), Mortimer….(eek)….Freeman….the game’s greatest thinker hahahahahahahaha Ricky Stuart…Mr. Excitement himself Michael Hagan. Yep, what an awesome list. But our next guest is here pretty much because it’s a condition of his new massive contract, welcome to Johnathan Thurston!

Johnathan Thurston: THANKS VOSSY, I’M LIKE STOKED TO BE HERE, THE PILLS AND ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY HAVE PRETTY MUCH WORKED AND I’M CALM NOW AFTER SATURDAY NIGHT…

AV: That’s um…great mate.

JT: YEH I EFFIN THOUGHT SO TOO AY. SEE, I CAN SAY EFFIN AND RELEASE MY FRUSTRATION WITHOUT OFFENDING ANY SOFTC….

AV: Ok ok, wohhh, steady on there.

JT: SORRY VOSSY, I GUESS I’M STILL ANGRY. I MEAN, HOW THE firetruck DID WE LOSE TO THAT JOKE OF A TEAM?! SORRY, BUT THEY HAD NO FORAN AND MOST OF THEIR FORWARDS BACKING UP FROM ORIGIN, THEY WERE RIPE FOR THE TAKING!!!! AND THEN JAMIE firetrucking LYON GOT INJURED AND THEY GOT EVEN MORE faeces!!

HOW THE way DID WE LET FOUR EASY firetrucking TRIES DOWN OUR RIGHT SIDE IN ABOUT FIVE firetrucking MINUTES IN THE FIRST HALF?? WITH THREE OF THEM TO A firetrucking GUY ON DEBUT?!?!?!

FINALLY WE STARTED PLAYING NEAR OUR BEST BUT THEN I COULDN’T firetrucking KICK ANY GOALS, MY firetrucking AIM WAS WORSE THAN A firetrucking EXECUTIONER WITH firetrucking PARKINSON’S!! HERE’S AN EXAMPLE…

Andy Raymond: “Gee, the Cowboys nearly butchered that try as Ah Mau waited until it was almost too late to find support, but luckily Ash Graham was on the spot to make it a double and now Thurston lines up the kick…”

JT (at game): (adjusts headgear) (adjusts jersey on right shoulder) (adjusts jersey on right upper arm) (sort of yawns, sort of as if trying to eat something above his mouth, sort of like a cat about to clean itself) (more adjusting of head gear) (more jersey manipulation) (more jaw exercises) (more justification why he is known as Feral)…..

AR: “….and Thurston hooks that one just to the side, he’s missed two in a row now”

JT (at game): firetruck!!! firetrucking firetruck!!! (destroys water bottle)

JT: BUT NOT ONLY THAT, WE BUTCHERED TRY AFTER firetrucking TRY OVER ABOUT 10 firetrucking MINUTES! WHY DID I RE-SIGN TO PLAY WITH SUCH A BUNCH OF firetrucking people suffering from mental OR physical handicaps?!

ANYWAY FINALLY O’DONNELL BARGES OVER, I FINALLY KICK A firetrucking GOAL AND WE’RE BACK IN IT. BUT THERE’S STILL TIME FOR US TO BLOW A FEW MORE CHANCES THEN TOP IT OFF WITH A BREAK IN THE FINAL MINUTE THAT’S CALLED BACK ABOUT AN HOUR AND A firetrucking HALF LATER!!! THAT LITTLE segment of faeces OF A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A REF CAN’T EVEN firetrucking TELL ME WHY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, EVERYONE firetrucking KNOWS ME UP HERE SO I CAN’T GO AND commit various acts of abuse against groupies, animals and/or my wife LIKE I DID AT THE BULLDOGS!! NO WONDER I’M SO FRUSTRATED ON THE FIELD!! AHHHHHHHH!

Andrew Johns: I know what you’re saying JT, I blew up against Manly in ’06 just like you did. Luckily though, I was able to get away with everything because I was idolised in Newcastle. Just keep it all in-house, have a confessional interview with Gould after your career is over and it will be sweet.

WS: Very true Joey. Rugby League is very forgiving if you play your cards right. At times, my life was a living hell. I called those times “Rugby”. I was also done for drugs. But if you say sorry, give the punters plenty of what they want to hear, then anything can be repaired. It might take a bit longer with you, I’m not sure it’s been done with someone resembling Neanderthal Man before, but it’s definitely possible.

BF: If all else fails, JT, you can act like a 10-year old kid. Works for me!

AV: Now there’s a Master Class I’m not sure we really wanted to hear. Thanks to JT for that…game report…of sorts.

On to Sunday’s action and first up was the almost unrecognisable Storm and the quite recognisable but not form-wise Bulldogs. Former Bulldog, the Big Marn himself, Darryl Brohman was there.

Darryl Brohman: Gee, thanks Vossy, way to throw me in the deep end! How is my incredibly self-deprecating façade and pretending to be an idiot going to work against these actual idiots? I couldn’t get to Fittler’s level if I slept in a concrete mixer!

Anyway, my old team the Bulldogs desperately needed a win, but Melbourne’s care-free attitude and team list almost devoid of stars made the Bulldogs’ task much harder from a mental perspective. How do you fire yourself up for a huge effort when most of the opposition’s good players are sitting on the sidelines?

In the first half, the Bulldogs went about as well as I do trying not to eat or trying not to be totally pathetic in search for a laugh from my increasingly tired act, they were down 23-nil at the break. Some highlights were Josh Morris’ pathetic attempted pass back to Patten after a grubber kick which gave Melbourne their third try, a collective pathetic attempt to regain a Melbourne line drop-out which saw Melbourne come up with the ball and Ben Hannant looking almost as fat as me!

To answer my earlier question, the Bulldogs found a 23-point deficit was a good way to fire up and looked a lot better after half-time. If it wasn’t for one of the great try-saving tackles by Matt Duffie and a bizarre no-try ruling (under the current stupid rules) by the video referee on a Blake Green effort, the Bulldogs may well have snatched a victory against the careless Storm. Just like I may live to see 60 thanks to my utter disregard for my health in order to perpetuate this pathetic “Big Marn” persona. In the end, a solid win for the Storm.

AV: Not much I can add to that! Andrew Johns saw Souths take on Penrith in the other Sunday game. Joey, what did you think?

AJ: Truth be told, Vossy, I don’t think very often, but the massively furrowed brow I display when I’m on camera but not talking can give that impression.

Anyway, Souths and Penrith, two very capable teams, but two inconsistent teams as well. Penrith definitely missed big Petero and probably were in need of a tough game after some of their easy wins in recent weeks. Souths’ yo-yo form was in the positive to start with and they raced to a 22-6 lead. Penrith have been killing it with their kicking game and great fullback play, but it was Souths using these weapons, with Sandow and Wesser on the edges having great games.

The second half saw both sides return to form, Souths got comfy and Penrith fought back but Souths were never really threatened, Wesser in vintage form as the Bunnies won comfortably. The question is: can they back this up next week?

BF: Bo-ring! Someone get this guy a fun transplant?

JT: YEH NAH THEY PROBABLY WILL WIN AGAIN COZ THEY PLAY US NEXT AND I’M PROLLY GONNA GET SUSPENDED FOR SWEARING TOO MUCH. WHERE THE firetruck DID THEY COME UP WITH THAT cow faeces?!

BF: The same place Mr Boring over there comes up with his boring commentary!

AJ: Shutup! I’m just doing my job like you should try to do for once since you’ve finished playing! Are we nearly done here Vossy? Me and Freddy were gonna hit up the TAB.

AV: Trust me guys, I’d love nothing more than let you go, but there’s one game left. On Monday night, the Sydney Roosters turned around a two-game losing streak with an impressive win on the Gold Coast. Laurie Daley was there.

WS: Lozza! He loves the Dragons almost as much as I do! Dean Young for Origin 2!

Laurie Daley: Thanks Vossy, and the Sydney Roosters were ‘uge tonight in gitting the job done with a comprehensive effort over the Gold Coast. It looked ominous early on as the Titans jumped to a 10-nil lead on the back of Scotty Prince and his show-and-go move. You’ve seen a hundred times but it gits the defender to pause briefly and you’re gone. Some say he’d play for NSW if he was a New South Welshman. Not me though, Kimmorley is a solid halfback with that size we’re looking and a reliable kicking game.

But this was a bit too easy and the Titans relaxed a little, their attitude suffered and the Roosters responded with 4 tries, two came from Anasta and Anthony Minichiello. These guys were wonderful servants for New South Wales. Mini’s probably a bit too old, but Anasta…nah, I’ve been in love with Barrett for years, if anyone’s going to make me forget about playing Jamie Lyon at five-eighth, it’s Barrett not Anasta.

Prince set up another try and cut the deficit to 2 at half-time, but the game was won with the Roosters’ excellent defence early in the second half before sealing the win with 2 tries. Nate Myles had a great game but he’s certainly no Ben Creagh. Mitchell Pearce returned from injury and set up a number of tries, I spoke with him after the game.

Mitchell Pearce: “Yeh nah we wen ok d’night, yeh I was pretty ‘appy, y’know, yeh me shoulder’s swoit nah it’s tops ay, yeh nah the platform laid by the forwards and I just followed it ay yeh nah, but yeh they’re a good team and ‘ard to beat up ‘ere so it’s good to get away with the win”

LD: I’m no oil painting with enunciation and clear speaking but geez… Can’t give anything away about his Origin chances, but the panel love Kimmorley and Bellamy believes we’re not that far away. You don’t want to be changing things going up to Lang Park. But yeh, not giving anything away. Anyway, an impressive effort by the Roosters in gitting the job done with a ‘uge effort.

AV: If I was the AFL, I’d just give up now – what a collection of minds and collective intelligence! Thanks for watching, regular transmission will I’m sure resume next week.