Round 15: Surreal-ly Misused

Despite claims from rival codes that it is monotonous and predictable, Rugby League provides plenty of drama, uncertainty and excitement. How can this be stated as fact? Because it comes ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’ so to speak; it’s the players who confirm the game’s ongoing novelty factor. Here are some recent examples…

“Looking back on it now that's how it was a bit, but I'm confident in my football at the moment. Last time it was all just a bit surreal and real nerve-wracking. It's still surreal this time but I feel like I've worked for it a bit more this year." Roosters halfback and noted wordsmith Mitchell Pearce describing his return to the NSW Origin team a few weeks ago.

“That’s the first I’ve heard that ... I’m pretty happy about that. I’m still getting over that (scoring three tries). It’s a bit surreal. I’m pretty excited about it.” Manly rookie Dean Whare was quite excited after his three-try debut against the Cowbores in May.

“I didn’t think a tornado could build up on the east coast of Australia. To me it was an American thing. But now we all know it can happen and the damage it can do is surreal.” Canberra forward Tom Learoyd-Lahrs after the recent damage at Lennox Head.

Hmm…something’s not quite right here. I’ll let comedian Adam Hills explain:

“If I can only teach my god-son one thing, this is what I want to teach him: I want to teach him to learn to use the word ‘surreal’ only to describe things that are actually surreal. That is my major bug-bear with the English language, are you on board with me ma’am and fellow pedant down the front? Surrealism is like Salvador Dali pieces of art, it’s like a melting watch hanging over a tree branch that looks like a skeletal fist. It messes with your head so that you when you look at it, you walk back out in the real world and look at everything differently ’cause your sense of reality has just been altered. That is surreal! It’s not standing at a pub at 2 in the morning and some boofhead comes back from the bar and goes ‘Oh you wouldn’t believe it, just went up there to get a beer, there was already one waiting for me hohoho…so surreal’.

I read an article written by a British Airways stewardess in which she described how drunk they used to get on overseas flights. I kid you not, the article finished with her using the phrase ‘At one point, I found myself slumped over the toilet bowl, in a stewardess outfit with a captain’s hat on my head and an empty bottle of tequila next to me and I thought ‘my god, this is so surreal!’’. No it’s not! That’s just not classy! If there’d been a hippopotamus there cooking toast, that would’ve been surreal. Spreading on marmalade going ‘My god, how much have you had to drink?’ and the toilet’s going ‘Seven vodkas!’

There’s a kitchen design store outside of Galway in Ireland called Surreal Kitchens. Now I’m assuming they don’t make truly surreal kitchens, but my god I wish they did, ’cause that’s a conversation I want to hear in an Irish pub. ‘So Paddy, how’s the new kitchen going?’ ‘Oh you wouldn’t believe it Jerry, there’s a revolving head of John the Baptist in the oven’

With that, let’s take a look back at Round 15 in the NRL in language NRL players can understand:

Brisbane v. Penrith: Brisbane’s bubble burst on Friday night as the hangovers from their great win over Souths last Sunday and Queensland’s demolition of NSW (the hangover was likely more literal than metaphorical here) led to a tired effort against Penrith. Penrith was not at their best, but did enough and secured the win in the dying minutes.

Soooo Surreal: A surprisingly flat game at Suncorp Stadium. Michael Gordon had a poor night with the boot, Folau was largely unsuccessful with his AFL practicing and Lockyer and Thaiday struggled to back up in close to ideal conditions after an Origin.

Gold Coast v. Canterbury: Another week, another disappointing start by the Bulldogs and another comeback which doesn’t start soon enough. Also, another poor Bulldogs effort against vulnerable opposition, the Titans lost Bailey, Harrison and Campbell before the game and Scott Prince during the game and still got to a 24-6 lead.

Soooo Surreal: A Gold Coast team functioning quite well without Prince and Preston Campbell. With that said, however, a surrealist depiction of the Bulldogs’ defence as droopy turnstiles would not have been out of place – this made the rudderless Titans’ job much easier.

Melbourne v. North Queensland: The Melbourne season since April could be classified as Soooo Surreal, a bizarre mix of extravagant attack and thrashing less talented, constrained oppositions as well as indifference and loss of players resulting in thrashings in return. Unfortunately for the Cowbores, they have been on the end of two care-free Melbourne demolitions since late April. After Melbourne capitulated to the Roosters last Monday, their stars decided to try this week and they toyed with the Cowbores, winning easily.

Manly v. South Sydney: A see-sawing game from Brookvale, where both sides oscillated between brilliant and so-so. Both teams were looking to bounce back from losses, but Manly’s injuries problems and subsequent lack of depth resurfaced, allowing Souths a wonderful chance to come back and sneak the win. However, some blown chances and two late Manly field goals saw the home team triumph.

Soooo Surreal: This was the first game in the NRL with three field goals since Round 3 2008. This is only the 7th time in the last 20 seasons a top-level game has had 3 field goals, where each of these games split the field goals 2 to 1 (except John Simon’s 3 field goal-effort for Parramatta against Manly in 1997). This game included the equal most field goals in a match since Peter Sterling and Michael Hagan engaged in a field-goal shootout in Newcastle in 1990 (4 field goals – 2 each – between them).

Cronulla v. St. George Illawarra: This potentially tricky game for the Dragons became even more so when Weyman and Young were late withdrawals. However, despite a tight score-line for much of the game, the Dragons were always in control and padded the score late on. For Cronulla, the failure to apply (cliché alert) scoreboard pressure to the Dragons meant they had next to no chance of winning.

Soooo Surreal: Paul Gallen having a whinge – but actually being in the right. His dummy-half lunge with about 10 minutes to go was rejected as a possible try by the on-field referee but the ball was later revealed to be on the line. There might have been a double movement but a try was the likely outcome.

Wests Tigers v. Canberra: This was an unusually tight game for a Sunday Leichhardt game, although not for the lack of trying by both teams; this could have been a high-scoring shootout but for a high number of near misses. Canberra threatened another high-profile victim to further frustrate their coach and supporters (who wonder why they can’t play so well against lowly teams) but the Tigers finished strongly on the back of the home crowd for the win.

Soooo Surreal: The total match score of 26 points was the lowest at Leichhardt for a day game in over 10 years. But the most surreal sight had to be of slow-legged, ancient Daniel Fitzhenry turning back the clock in racing 70 metres for the game-sealing try.

Newcastle v. Parramatta: After the much-discussed Timana Tahu brain snap, this game reached new depths for long periods. Finally, Parramatta scored and 4 points looked to be enough. But somehow the Knights came back; an attacking kick took a lucky bounce and the game was equal. Gidley’s sideline conversion found its way over and incredibly Newcastle had the win.

Soooo Surreal: The comical, farcical cavalcade of mistakes in the lead-up to halftime. A close second was Newcastle’s inability to change the basics of their game for the conditions. Expecting forwards to hold onto short passes with the defence in very close proximity and wide-running players to hold onto long cut-out passes is most optimistic in the wet and frequently meant errors. Also, Ben Rogers: this was an awful game from him, even by his usually pathetic standards, mistakes and dumb decisions throughout. He was hooked after his umpteenth terrible cut-out pass and Newcastle went on to win without him. Rogers has the last laugh, however, this waste of space recently extended his contract with the Knights. Now that is soooo surreal!!

See you next week.