Round 18: NRL Bizarro World

Hope you enjoyed that look back over a very weird round of NRL. See you next week.

And allow them they did – 24 in under 20 minutes between late in the first half and early in the second half. To the Cowbores’ credit, they didn’t capitulate and might have had a chance at winning if one or two things went their way, but in the end, it was a solid, although still far from impressive (from an overall perspective) win for the Eels in one of the weirder Monday night games of recent times.

The round finished on Monday night with Parramatta triumphing over the very un-boring Cowbores in a shootout in the Wild West of Sydney. Both teams’ attack has stuttered significantly of late but both teams enjoyed breakout attacking performances and, most importantly, brought aggressive attitudes to the game. Early on, any result looked possible, but once the errors returned to the Cowbores’ game, it was only a matter of time before the worst defence in the NRL would allow points.

This was in spite of a massive penalty count in Penrith’s favour. Perhaps Penrith was in shock; they are almost always on the wrong end of penalties, only the Dragons have any idea about how to get the most benefit out of a run of penalties. In the end, the Warriors grimly held on for a famous win. Only the great Melbourne defence of early 2008 recorded a win under similar circumstances.

From here on, Penrith had the better of the game and gradually dominated possession and field position – but could get no closer than 6 points. Penrith’s successful air attack, their kicking arsenal fired blanks all afternoon as the Warriors’ defensive intensity never wavered.

The weird happenings continued in Sunday’s late game at Penrith. It became quickly apparent that the big efforts in recent weeks – both at club level and at Origin – had taken their toll; it was a flat start from the Panthers and the Warriors jumped to a 12-nil lead. Their second try, to Vatuvei, was quite strange. Vatuvei ran through and caught a bomb almost unopposed to score in the corner (not unlike the famous Steve Gearin try from the 1980 grand final).

First up on Sunday, Newcastle recorded a solid win at home, while Cronulla struggled to perform away from home. Those outcomes are weirdness enough thus far in season 2010, but two of the game’s better performers are Ben Rogers (Newcastle) and Ben Pomeroy (Cronulla) well….Halley’s Comet will probably come again before these two hacks play another good game.

The Bulldogs took a solid lead to half time, as they had the past two games, but came close to relinquishing it as Melbourne came back strongly. Ultimately, it was a crazy ending as time expired when Billy Slater poked his head up from the clock-stopping scrum formation. A grin from Slater confirmed the weirdness of this match.

It’s an even crazier round and game when Billy Slater makes a number of mistakes at the back. Slater is usually so reliable but the Bulldogs found him out on several occasions. Admittedly, he would have done brilliantly well to stop the steam train that is Jamal Idris from scoring.

A rugby league game being played at Adelaide Oval for the first time since 1998 is bizarro enough. However, when that game involves the car crash that is the 2010 Melbourne Storm and the Storm, against all expectations, show fight and heart to come back into a game given the hopelessness of their situation, you know it’s a crazy round of rugby league.

With that said though, Canberra did put on two tries from close to the opposition line – where they had failed so miserably in previous weeks – to take a match-winning lead. Manly’s struggles and very poor home record since their awesome win against the Dragons a few months back continued.

The craziness got worse on Saturday night as Canberra turned around their abysmal performances from the last two weeks with a close but well deserved win over a still-scratchy Manly at Brookvale. We’ll never know if Canberra was going to sort out their diabolically poor attack because Canberra’s first two tries were gifts from Manly intercept passes.

The Tigers scored the game’s next 15 points – including an incredible field goal from Benji Marshall just before half-time – to grind out a match-winning lead: if they could only like this in the myriad of other games when Ellis plays a lone hand. A late try to the Titans made Benji’s field goal that much more important as the Tigers held on for the win.

Across town, the Tigers looked likely to fall well behind to the overdue Titans, but the usually sure-handed Titans outside backs dropped several passes where the try-line was in close proximity. The Tigers desperately needed such a leg-up as they were missing their best player in Gareth Ellis, but it became clear that the motivation to perform without Ellis and beat a hated rival in the process was strong.

Late penalties for relatively insignificant offences are perhaps not quite as rare as hens’ teeth, but are not much more prevalent. This was a surprisingly good game, but a slightly fortunate win for the Roosters.

Despite the Roosters coming back and dominating much of the remainder of the game, a try to Talanoa in the corner and subsequent conversion to the erratic Sandow saw Souths re-take the lead, a lead they seemed likely to hold onto until a crucial penalty to the Roosters led to the match-winning try to Mitch Aubusson.

The madness started on Friday night when Souths looked destined to score a significant win over the Roosters without their best player Issac Luke. Souths started very strongly, overcoming the physical Roosters and the difficult conditions to take an 8-nil lead.

Even in a league where consistency is rare and volatility much too common, the happenings of Round 18 were still difficult to comprehend. The downtrodden fought back, in the unlikeliest of situations, the favoured and in need struggled mightily, while those in a drought spectacularly farewelled dryness…but welcomed instead a severe loosening of standards, and finally many found they could perform despite the absence of crucial inputs.

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Round 17: NRL Teams Explained to the International Football (Soccer) Supporter

The Australian professional sporting landscape has changed markedly over the last decade. After years of lying dormant with massive participation at the recreational level but little interest for the local elite competition, association football – better known as soccer to most Australians – came to life after a major remodelling and infusion of funds and corporate support.

The Australian men’s team’s qualification for the 2006 World Cup Finals – and their somewhat unexpected journey beyond the first round – saw public interest swell even further. This interest has been sustained by a much greater number of national team games (brought on by the shift to the Asian Confederation) and an unlucky, but still quite spirited, effort at the 2010 World Cup Finals.

Not surprisingly, given out penchant for hosting major events and desire to be noticed on the world stage, Australia has signalled its intention to bid for the right to host the 2018 or 2022 Football World Cup Finals. Our chances for 2018 seem doomed as all-powerful Europe is overdue for its turn to host again, but 2022 could be our time.

Unlike the xenophobic AFL, Rugby League is not openly hostile towards the possibility of Australia hosting a World Cup Football Finals tournament and could benefit considerably, with the construction and upgrade of a number of NRL-capable stadia. However, another benefit of the potential hosting of the World Cup Finals for the NRL would be to expose our great game to a huge new market. Let’s face it: if Rugby League can dominate a city as fickle as Sydney then surely anything is possible.

However, the football supporters of the world will have to come up to speed with over 100 years of Rugby League history and culture. In this week’s Roast, the first steps along this road are taken, with each NRL team’s history, accomplishments and qualities explained in terms of a similar international football team.

Brisbane is a lot like Brazil: Brisbane is the dominant team in the NRL’s second state. For long parts of its history, it had access to many of the best players in that state. Brisbane has a brilliant record in tournament finals and a long history of success, although many feel they should have done even better.

Wests Tigers > Spain: The Wests Tigers are often expected to be a great chance of success but usually fail miserably. Apart from a recent surprise triumph, their last success came many decades ago. Despite enjoying great support, they enjoy two distinct groups of followers, between whom there is much dislike and tension.

Friday night’s match featured these two teams, where an Origin-weakened Brisbane played well above themselves but failed – barely – to push home this advantage on the scoreboard. The Tigers hung on bravely to a chance of victory and somehow won in the dying minutes.

Cronulla > Scotland: Cronulla is the poor neighbour of their region’s dominant team and has never won anything of note. In fact, they rarely even qualify to play in the big matches. Some of their few devoted fans remember back to a few tournaments in the 1970s when they….weren’t quite so bad, but really, they are the laughingstock of the competition.

Canterbury > Italy: They are known as the “family club”. Hence, there is usually much tension and drama around the club, which manifests itself in the boom-bust cycle of ultimate success (or something very close to that) and crashing back to Earth with a thud. Their success is often associated with cheating or (at the very least) ‘gamesmanship’ and stretching the rules as far as they’ll go.

The lone Saturday night match saw these two clubs battle at the unfamiliar venue of Gosford, but it was Cronulla’s unfamiliar team which suffered. The Bulldogs continued their strong form from Monday night with an easy win. Ben Barba enjoyed another impressive game for the Bulldogs as a starting minute player.

Canberra > Denmark: Canberra burst on to the scene in the mid 1980s and revolutionised the way the game was played. However, by the time this once-in-a-lifetime generation of star players had aged or moved on, this small-town club fell back in the pack and now struggles for the most part. They will occasionally produce a special effort and threaten some of the very best, but for the most part, they have disappointed since the mid 1990s.

Sydney Roosters > France: This team with red, white and blue colours and a rooster as their emblem have a long, but not always distinguished history in the game. A roll call of their stars over the last 100 years is impressive, but periods of success for them have been interspersed with lengthy dry spells. Disliked almost universally by supporters of other teams and their supporters are notoriously quick to drop off when times are tough.

If Rugby League was scored on field position only, Canberra would be near the top of the competition, but sadly for them, rugby league requires some sort of proficiency at putting points on the board. Without anyone of note to organise their attack, Canberra have squandered record amounts of attacking field position over the last two games. It was a second straight shocker for Terry Campese, possibly the worst half in the game at the moment. The Roosters were solid in defence, absorbing Canberra’s ‘best’, and put enough points on for a comfortable win.

New Zealand > Portugal: The Warriors are always an entertaining team, even if frustrating to their own supporters or just plain bad. Their moment in the sun came in the early 2000s when they had several chances for ultimate success but their big-game confidence and charisma was not quite there as it was in less meaningful contests.

Parramatta > Argentina: Parramatta has one of the more unique cultures in the game today. Despite a fairly high turnover of players, their relatively fragile, potentially brilliant, often lazy style of play remains a constant. Their golden period was from the late 1970s to 1986, although their genius at the time hung around for a few more years, but with his body rapidly failing him. Their large supporter base remembers the halcyon days well and turns on their current stars and coach if the team is struggling….but will be right behind the team if they turn it around. Bookmakers always expected this team to have a great chance of success.

Parramatta’s task last weekend was very tough: travelling to Auckland in the wet minus four of their biggest stars. They probably did fairly well to stay close with the Warriors for an hour, but the Warriors ultimately thrashed Parramatta after running in four late tries.

St George (Illawarra) > England (Wales): This team which wears white and red is perhaps the most famous in the game…or at least that’s what their supporters think. Their supporters also have an amazing ability to remember rare events from decades past as if they were yesterday…but they conveniently forget about their (very) junior partner which graciously provides a nice stadium for them to play in from time to time and also a number of their players. But St George Illawarra’s most famous trait is failing to live up (usually severely over-hyped) expectations, often placed on them by the media and their prominent supporters.

Penrith > Netherlands: Penrith’s initial claim to fame was one of rugby league’s more bizarre uniform designs, but after a long time in the wilderness, they rose to prominence in the late 1980s and early 1990s with a wonderful generation of players. Brief success was experienced, but so much more was lost in a quite sad manner. A major nursery of rugby league talent, Penrith usually finds its way near success once a decade or so – but struggles somewhat in intervening years.

Both teams were considerably weakened for this game by State of Origin, but even with inclement weather, this was quite an intriguing contest. On another night, the Dragons would have found an early lead and made life difficult for the Panthers to come back, but some uncharacteristically poor Dragons attack and a Penrith try meant Penrith played from in front. With some strong defence, greasy conditions and the Dragons looking a bit out of sync missing so many players and welcoming back one former star from a two-year break, one more try for Penrith was enough for an important, but probably not ultimately significant win.

In case you were wondering, here’s the remaining NRL teams and their international football counterparts. See you next week.

Manly – (West) Germany
Melbourne – (East) Germany (or maybe Juventus)
Gold Coast – Ivory Coast
North Queensland – Turkey
Souths – Uruguay
Newcastle – Colombia

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Round 16: Repetition On A Theme (Or How Lazy The Rugby League Media Can Be)

Round 16 of the 2010 NRL season may have been the very popular Women In League round, but for far too many media types, their “concerns” (fixations is probably a better word) were with the makeup of a group who would have struggled to beat a team of young girls in their last two games: the New South Wales State of Origin team. Here is how a collection of standard Round 16 match reports in the media from over the weekend might have sounded…

“In the first of last night’s NRL matches, Jamie Soward pushed his State of Origin claims with a dominant effort as the Dragons finished with a wet sail late on to comprehensively defeat the Wests Tigers 34-10. The Dragons took a while to get going as the Tigers threatened to open the scoring, led by some incisive work from Robbie Farah, who surely must be threatening to usurp his former NSW number 9 jumper from Michael Ennis after his recent run of good form, but typically excellent Dragons’ defence and a penalty goal by Soward saw the Dragons take an early lead.

The Tigers fought back with a try to Chris Lawrence, who must be a chance for the left centre position for NSW left vacant by the injured Matt Cooper, but the Dragons pulled away again. The Tigers responded thanks to Lawrence again while a break by Wade McKinnon forced Origin prop Michael Weyman into a dangerous tackle, which will see him miss Origin 3.

But the Dragons were ultimately far too good as the likes of Soward, Morris, Scott, Creagh, Prior, Merrin, Hornby, Green and Gasnier all reminded NSW selectors of their class.

The other game saw Penrith unleash the razzle dazzle in defeating Manly. Penrith became the Pink Panthers on this night, but they may as well have been wearing blue given how many of them could force their way into the NSW line-up for Origin 3. Michael Jennings continued his great run of form, while Coote, Gordon, Lewis, Waterhouse, Walsh and Purtell will make the selectors’ jobs very difficult. Gordon’s combination of great wing play and goal kicking will make him especially hard to ignore; his 1st half try was one of the tries of the season and featured slick passing and player movement.”

“In tonight’s NRL games, Brisbane outlasted Parramatta, Cronulla came from way back to defeat the Cowbores and Souths showed the people of Perth how it’s done as they defeated Melbourne.

At Parramatta Stadium, Jarryd Hayne scored the Eels’ only try, reminding selectors of his rare combination of size and speed, while Tim Mannah made life tough for Brisbane’s forwards. Nathan Hindmarsh, as ever, was consistent; he will never be out of place in the elite level. Meanwhile Brisbane scored a solid win, despite only one player of note: Peter Wallace, who put his hand up for the uncertain NSW halfback position with a strong effort guiding the Broncos around.

In Townsville……nuh, I can’t do it. The Cowbores’ players from New South Wales are all absolute garbage, they can’t even make my pretend abnormally large group of players vying for Origin selection. Anyway, they took an 18-nil lead before the Sharks somehow fought back despite the gaping absence of Origin candidate Kade Snowden. Gallen was tireless and always lifts before Origin selection, Tupou reminded those in charge of his Origin experience and Barrett must have shown some sort of captaincy experience – or is he just old? Anyway, NSW could do worse than having a utility like John Morris on the bench, his and Barrett’s field goals got the Sharks home.

It was almost apt that the final game of night was played in Perth, because only a handful of players were eligible for the coveted NSW Origin jersey in this game. Brett Finch’s career renaissance in Melbourne continued here; selectors would remember Finch’s Origin heroics well. Meanwhile, for Souths, Colin Best had his best game in sometime. His combination of size and speed could give Inglis problems in Origin 3. Ultimately though, Souths’ traditional combination of John Sutton and Luke Stuart pushed their claims for Game 3 by leading Souths to a solid win.”

“To the NRL and upsets were the order of the day. Perhaps some were too concerned about the looming selection of the NSW Origin team for game 3? We will never know.

Earlier today, the Roosters took their home game to Christchurch to take on the Warriors and we had our first glimpse of a possible NSW halves pairing. Todd Carney and Mitchell Pearce played their first game at 6 and 7 and weren’t put off by the difficult conditions to record a strong outing. Phil Graham showed some blinding pace to help set up Carney’s try here; Graham would certainly not look out place in that hard-to-fill right wing slot for the Blues. Another performer for the Roosters was Mitch Aubusson, whose pace and utility value could come in handy for NSW.

Ultimately though the Warriors snuck home. Ian Henderson helped the Warriors stay close in the second half and his tenaciousness and speed out of dummy half could be just what NSW need.

After their Monday night struggles, Newcastle made it two wins this week as they lifted their effort and received a little luck to defeat the Titans. Kurt Gidley was brilliant as fullback and captain. Needless to say, Origin selectors would have been watching closely. Another contender for the NSW halves positions was Jarrod Mullen, who had a hand in most of Newcastle’s attack and already has had his Origin initiation.

For the Titans, Greg Bird played a virtual solo hand and would be stinging to add to his Origin man of the match awards.”

“In the NRL tonight, it was the Bulldogs who triumphed in the upset win over a disappointing Canberra. Michael Ennis proved his Origin credentials with an inspired – and typically irritating – effort, while the Blues selectors could have done worse than look to steady veterans like Kimmorley and Andrew Ryan for some consistency. Idris proved his versatility by starting this game in the forwards and giving his team some early bite against the giant Canberra pack and Steve Turner….wasn’t completely rubbish.

Canberra dominated field position thanks to the likes of Miller, Tilse and Thurling; these players get forgotten by the selectors it seems. Finally, each rubbish Canberra effort like this makes the long-absent Alan Tongue and his leadership more and more valuable.”

Meanwhile Queensland picked basically the same team (again) to no fanfare, even from Queensland media (again) and should win (again).

See you next week.

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Round 15: Surreal-ly Misused

Despite claims from rival codes that it is monotonous and predictable, Rugby League provides plenty of drama, uncertainty and excitement. How can this be stated as fact? Because it comes ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’ so to speak; it’s the players who confirm the game’s ongoing novelty factor. Here are some recent examples…

“Looking back on it now that's how it was a bit, but I'm confident in my football at the moment. Last time it was all just a bit surreal and real nerve-wracking. It's still surreal this time but I feel like I've worked for it a bit more this year." Roosters halfback and noted wordsmith Mitchell Pearce describing his return to the NSW Origin team a few weeks ago.

“That’s the first I’ve heard that ... I’m pretty happy about that. I’m still getting over that (scoring three tries). It’s a bit surreal. I’m pretty excited about it.” Manly rookie Dean Whare was quite excited after his three-try debut against the Cowbores in May.

“I didn’t think a tornado could build up on the east coast of Australia. To me it was an American thing. But now we all know it can happen and the damage it can do is surreal.” Canberra forward Tom Learoyd-Lahrs after the recent damage at Lennox Head.

Hmm…something’s not quite right here. I’ll let comedian Adam Hills explain:

“If I can only teach my god-son one thing, this is what I want to teach him: I want to teach him to learn to use the word ‘surreal’ only to describe things that are actually surreal. That is my major bug-bear with the English language, are you on board with me ma’am and fellow pedant down the front? Surrealism is like Salvador Dali pieces of art, it’s like a melting watch hanging over a tree branch that looks like a skeletal fist. It messes with your head so that you when you look at it, you walk back out in the real world and look at everything differently ’cause your sense of reality has just been altered. That is surreal! It’s not standing at a pub at 2 in the morning and some boofhead comes back from the bar and goes ‘Oh you wouldn’t believe it, just went up there to get a beer, there was already one waiting for me hohoho…so surreal’.

I read an article written by a British Airways stewardess in which she described how drunk they used to get on overseas flights. I kid you not, the article finished with her using the phrase ‘At one point, I found myself slumped over the toilet bowl, in a stewardess outfit with a captain’s hat on my head and an empty bottle of tequila next to me and I thought ‘my god, this is so surreal!’’. No it’s not! That’s just not classy! If there’d been a hippopotamus there cooking toast, that would’ve been surreal. Spreading on marmalade going ‘My god, how much have you had to drink?’ and the toilet’s going ‘Seven vodkas!’

There’s a kitchen design store outside of Galway in Ireland called Surreal Kitchens. Now I’m assuming they don’t make truly surreal kitchens, but my god I wish they did, ’cause that’s a conversation I want to hear in an Irish pub. ‘So Paddy, how’s the new kitchen going?’ ‘Oh you wouldn’t believe it Jerry, there’s a revolving head of John the Baptist in the oven’

With that, let’s take a look back at Round 15 in the NRL in language NRL players can understand:

Brisbane v. Penrith: Brisbane’s bubble burst on Friday night as the hangovers from their great win over Souths last Sunday and Queensland’s demolition of NSW (the hangover was likely more literal than metaphorical here) led to a tired effort against Penrith. Penrith was not at their best, but did enough and secured the win in the dying minutes.

Soooo Surreal: A surprisingly flat game at Suncorp Stadium. Michael Gordon had a poor night with the boot, Folau was largely unsuccessful with his AFL practicing and Lockyer and Thaiday struggled to back up in close to ideal conditions after an Origin.

Gold Coast v. Canterbury: Another week, another disappointing start by the Bulldogs and another comeback which doesn’t start soon enough. Also, another poor Bulldogs effort against vulnerable opposition, the Titans lost Bailey, Harrison and Campbell before the game and Scott Prince during the game and still got to a 24-6 lead.

Soooo Surreal: A Gold Coast team functioning quite well without Prince and Preston Campbell. With that said, however, a surrealist depiction of the Bulldogs’ defence as droopy turnstiles would not have been out of place – this made the rudderless Titans’ job much easier.

Melbourne v. North Queensland: The Melbourne season since April could be classified as Soooo Surreal, a bizarre mix of extravagant attack and thrashing less talented, constrained oppositions as well as indifference and loss of players resulting in thrashings in return. Unfortunately for the Cowbores, they have been on the end of two care-free Melbourne demolitions since late April. After Melbourne capitulated to the Roosters last Monday, their stars decided to try this week and they toyed with the Cowbores, winning easily.

Manly v. South Sydney: A see-sawing game from Brookvale, where both sides oscillated between brilliant and so-so. Both teams were looking to bounce back from losses, but Manly’s injuries problems and subsequent lack of depth resurfaced, allowing Souths a wonderful chance to come back and sneak the win. However, some blown chances and two late Manly field goals saw the home team triumph.

Soooo Surreal: This was the first game in the NRL with three field goals since Round 3 2008. This is only the 7th time in the last 20 seasons a top-level game has had 3 field goals, where each of these games split the field goals 2 to 1 (except John Simon’s 3 field goal-effort for Parramatta against Manly in 1997). This game included the equal most field goals in a match since Peter Sterling and Michael Hagan engaged in a field-goal shootout in Newcastle in 1990 (4 field goals – 2 each – between them).

Cronulla v. St. George Illawarra: This potentially tricky game for the Dragons became even more so when Weyman and Young were late withdrawals. However, despite a tight score-line for much of the game, the Dragons were always in control and padded the score late on. For Cronulla, the failure to apply (cliché alert) scoreboard pressure to the Dragons meant they had next to no chance of winning.

Soooo Surreal: Paul Gallen having a whinge – but actually being in the right. His dummy-half lunge with about 10 minutes to go was rejected as a possible try by the on-field referee but the ball was later revealed to be on the line. There might have been a double movement but a try was the likely outcome.

Wests Tigers v. Canberra: This was an unusually tight game for a Sunday Leichhardt game, although not for the lack of trying by both teams; this could have been a high-scoring shootout but for a high number of near misses. Canberra threatened another high-profile victim to further frustrate their coach and supporters (who wonder why they can’t play so well against lowly teams) but the Tigers finished strongly on the back of the home crowd for the win.

Soooo Surreal: The total match score of 26 points was the lowest at Leichhardt for a day game in over 10 years. But the most surreal sight had to be of slow-legged, ancient Daniel Fitzhenry turning back the clock in racing 70 metres for the game-sealing try.

Newcastle v. Parramatta: After the much-discussed Timana Tahu brain snap, this game reached new depths for long periods. Finally, Parramatta scored and 4 points looked to be enough. But somehow the Knights came back; an attacking kick took a lucky bounce and the game was equal. Gidley’s sideline conversion found its way over and incredibly Newcastle had the win.

Soooo Surreal: The comical, farcical cavalcade of mistakes in the lead-up to halftime. A close second was Newcastle’s inability to change the basics of their game for the conditions. Expecting forwards to hold onto short passes with the defence in very close proximity and wide-running players to hold onto long cut-out passes is most optimistic in the wet and frequently meant errors. Also, Ben Rogers: this was an awful game from him, even by his usually pathetic standards, mistakes and dumb decisions throughout. He was hooked after his umpteenth terrible cut-out pass and Newcastle went on to win without him. Rogers has the last laugh, however, this waste of space recently extended his contract with the Knights. Now that is soooo surreal!!

See you next week.

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Round 14: Treading Carefully Around A Difficult Subject

Round 14 of the NRL was another pre-Origin weekend. This meant a shortened round but also the absence of many of the game’s best players. Not surprisingly, the quality of play largely suffered.

Despite frequent disappointments with pre-Origin rounds, the NRL remains stubbornly committed to the idea of forcing many teams to compete for points without many of their best players. There have been variations over the years, but all look remarkably similar. It’s as if the NRL is borrowing from Henry Ford’s famous catchphrase: “they can have any colour they want so long as it’s…..” umm…the one colour he made it in. I forget which one that was.

The round kicked off on Friday night on the Gold Coast, where the locals were looking to avoid a fourth straight loss. Normally Manly have success against the Titans, but with a number of key players missing and coming off a tough defeat against Brisbane, the Titans were well favoured to end their losing streak.

However, Manly started well and should have taken an early lead; only some desperate defence pushed Farrar across the line before he could put the ball down. It was the Titans who scored first, but incredibly it came in a very similar manner to how they took the lead when they played Manly earlier this season. On both occasions, a Manly dropped ball was picked up by flying winger Kevin Gordon, who ran over 70 metres each time to score. I’m sure the Titans would be more than happy to make long-distance Gordon tries the new…..umm….fashionable colour for their game starts from now on.

A rather acrobatic try from Mark Minichiello soon followed and the Titans had a 12-point lead they probably didn’t deserve. From here, the under-strength Sea Eagles were always going to struggle and despite Minichiello giving up an 8-point try in the second half (a terrible decision; referee Cummins was a real…..umm…..sheep who was a different colour to the rest of the flock after this call), it was a relatively comfortable win for the Gold Coast.

The Titans’ opponents from last week, Canberra, were next up in Round 14 as they were presented the tricky task of a trip to Townsville. While the Cowbores were without Feral Thurston, they were coming off a thrashing by Souths and they were due for some success at home. Meanwhile, Canberra is usually very shaky away from home and has struggled with favouritism this season.

Not surprisingly, this game had few highlights; the Cowbores struggled but put forth a great effort to bounce back from their hiding to Souths. However, this was enough against a Canberra team uncomfortable with the burden of favouritism, not having learnt from their impressive efforts of recent weeks and missing Josh Dugan and Joel Monaghan to injury and Origin respectively. Yep, this was certainly another…..ummm….negative-coloured mark against Canberra and their chances in 2010.

On Sunday, the first game saw Newcastle host the Warriors. Neither of these inconsistent teams could pull away from the other in this relatively high-scoring game until late on when the Warriors took advantage of a penalty goal to establish an 8-point lead. Newcastle threatened a comeback when they cut the Warriors’ lead to 2 and had the ball in attacking field position but threw away this precious opportunity. Matt Hilder threw the game away with an awful long pass returned for a try by James Moloney.

For the Warriors, this was a fairly impressive effort; to bounce back from a potentially crushing defeat to the Dragons last week with an away win was commendable. However, the Knights’ baffling season continues. They have now won just 1 of their last 6 games at home; quite pathetic, really, for one of the more talented rosters in the NRL. Coach Rick Stone must be wondering if a…..ummm…..hole that sucks everything away has taken up residence at Energy Australia Stadium since Brian Smith left the team.

The late Sunday game saw Brisbane without their Origin stars take on South Sydney, who was missing a host of forwards due to Origin, representing England, injury and suspension. However, their starring backline of recent weeks was intact.

What looked like being a tightly fought game became a mismatch very early on. While the Cowbores bounced back from last Monday night, Souths suffered the opposite fate from this game (made worse, of course, by missing so many key forwards). Meanwhile, Brisbane flourished despite the absence of Lockyer and Thaiday. Parker, Gillett and Te’o were all brilliant as Brisbane tore Souths to shreds in the forwards and on the edges, while Hoffman and Yow Yeh continued their recent form.

Souths could have been forgiven for struggling without much of their imposing forward pack but what started poorly became worse, especially for their up-and-down halves combination. In particular, Chris Sandow had a terrible game, especially his attacking kicks, which almost always missed the mark completely, often fuelling Brisbane counter-attacks. He would have been forgiven for calling the……ummm…..depression hotline which is named after a dog following such a poor display.

On Monday night, what appeared to be a very even and high quality game between Melbourne and the Roosters shifted sharply towards the Sydney side from about the 20 minute mark. Melbourne was missing all of its superstars but they folded rather meekly once they fell behind on the way to a thrashing by the impressive Roosters.

However, the Storm’s capitulation – which will likely become much more commonplace as the season goes on and their massive punishment for accessing Rugby League’s …..ummm…. market where illegal player payments can be made hits home even further – was not the major talking point after the game. Instead, several baffling video referee decisions against the Roosters received post-match focus.

One could (maybe) see why the seemingly legitimate try to Shaun Kenny-Dowall was disallowed in the first half – the referees love a rule which is completely……ummm…..white and the colour completely opposite to white – but for them to allow Melbourne’s sole try when Sika Manu looked certain to have interfered with the marker was…..completely lacking in any logic.

Finally, last night’s State of Origin confirmed what has been coming for several years as Queensland belatedly put the cleaners through an abysmal, totally lacking in cohesion New South Wales line-up. The highlight of the match was probably Greg Inglis giving us one of the three or four matches where he actually tries each season. The much-discussed racism controversy may have played a role here, but probably a greater contributing factor was the insinuation that the New South Wales debutante Beau Scott had a chance of slowing Inglis down (or even shutting him out of the game).

Inglis scored very early on and took every opportunity possible to beat up on poor Scott, both in the run of play and literally as the game went on and the widening discrepancy between the teams allowed Inglis even more latitude to dominate and even embarrass Scott (and those who may have thought Scott could do the job). No doubt this annihilation will enjoy a spot in Inglis’… umm… little book where he keeps notes of opponents he has owned.

On that note, the Tuesday Roast will…ummm… fade to a close. See you next week.

See you next week.

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Round 13: A Mid-Season Report Card

After perhaps the craziest first half of the season since 1995, it is probably a good time to take stock and sum up how each team has fared thus far.

St George Illawarra (current position: 1st): in contrast to most other teams and the game itself, the Dragons have delivered another stellar first-half of the season, with their ongoing consistency placing them safely at the top of the table. And given they are the only team yet to have a bye, this makes their effort even more worthy of praise. They have overcome the loss of Wendell Sailor, Nathan Fien and Jeremy Smith for most of the season so far as well as a number of other injuries to continue to produce their highly disciplined but very productive standard of play. They had a tougher than expected challenge on Sunday in Auckland, where the locals were motivated by their thrashing last time out and always play better in the wet, but the Dragons held their nerve.

Of course, the major challenge for them is to win in September, but they should cruise to a top-2 spot. Score: A+

Penrith (2nd): Penrith have continued on from their promising form seen for much of 2009, but some significant obstacles are ahead. Their draw has been on the kind side, they will have to produce without Petero Civoniceva for the next few weeks or so and they risk becoming over-reliant on their thus-far quite productive attacking kicking game. Teams are unlikely to hand them victories like Newcastle did on Saturday night (and even with Newcastle's charity, they struggled to put the Knights away).

With that said, however, surely they can't fade as badly as they did in late 2009; a finals appearance looks a certainty. Their combination of size and speed makes them a dark horse, but it's still difficult to tell just how dark they might be. Score: B

South Sydney (eq 3rd): After a slow start, Souths are rolling fairly nicely at the moment. They have struggled to puts wins together (apart from their initial recovery and last night's overwhelming of the Cowbores) but have shown strong signs of promise, especially if they can find some consistency. This has been the issue for Souths for some time, but you'd have to say progress is being made here.

You can never to be too sure with Souths, and their supporters have seen many a forecast of Souths' resurgence end in tears, but playing in September looks quite likely. Their depth (especially up front) may become an issue, but their size and skill should be too good to keep them out of the finals. Score: B-

Manly (eq 3rd): A difficult one to pick: they started the season very strongly, especially once Hasler put Hodkinson into the halves and Lyon in the centres. But a combination of some injuries, the heavy Brookvale Oval surface, representative honours for numerous players, a difficult schedule and a number of key players getting a significant number of miles on the clock have taken their toll on Manly over the last month or so. They could have jumped to a strong lead on Sunday against Brisbane, but they appeared unable to lift their game when Brisbane showed resistance. Ultimately, it was a rather meek defeat.

You'd imagine things should improve for Manly, but perhaps not before they get worse. Depth is an issue (especially given their extended time at/near the top due to subsequent salary-cap-related player loss) and their young halves have struggled (not surprisingly) when the forwards aren't dominant. Their experience means they are a great chance to win the comp....but getting there (and not using too much energy in doing so) could be the toughest part. Score: B

Wests Tigers (eq 3rd): How do you spell inconsistency? Apparently the letters WESTIG and R are in there somewhere. Surely this is the most inconsistent team in the NRL. Or to put it another way, they can look brilliant and shocking....and back to brilliant in less than a month. The Tigers board and Tim Sheens must thank whoever their deity is multiple times each day they have a consistent, hard-working forward in Gareth Ellis, otherwise their problems would be far worse. But even with him, this season could end up anywhere. Injuries may end up a factor, but their recent form minus a number of good players suggests it doesn't have to be.

Put simply, this team could finish anywhere: another ninth, another premiership or an honorable fifth, anything is possible. Score: C+

Gold Coast (eq 3rd): In last year's mid-season outlook, the Tuesday Roast picked the Titans to miss the finals. Great call there. But it does appear to be a new Titans in 2010, they do not seem so focused on playing at/near their best on a regular basis. They seem to have learnt to pick their moments (like the premiership winners of the last 5 years or so have). Wins against Melbourne (pre-crisis), Manly (at Brookvale), Penrith (just 5 days after beating Manly) and Souths suggest they will be hard to beat in September, but losses to the Cowbores, Roosters and Raiders mean they may enter September in the lower half of the 8.

A somewhat patchy start to the season, but if they can continue to pick their moments, their relative lack of Origin workload could see them make a strong run at the premiership. Score: B+

Brisbane (eq 7th): An amazing first half for them. At times, they were the worst team in the NRL but since Round 9, they have looked....awesome at times. Sam Thaiday has been brilliant leading the forwards, the team's improvement has made things easier for the still-very-good Darren Lockyer, Israel Folau's embarrassment of Greg Inglis in Round 9 was one of the highlights of the season so far, while several young Broncos (Hoffman, Gillett etc.) are emerging quickly.

Their great run will likely end soon, but it's hard to see them not making the quarter finals somewhere, if only because of the importance to the NRL and Channel 9 of a strong Broncos. Another one for the NRL Dark Horse handicap. Score: C

Parramatta (eq 7th): Play it again, Sam (or, in this case, Nathan): inconsistent team, some excellent wins, some astounding losses, a dark horse. The fear for Parramatta supporters (and those who love the entertaining game Parramatta play when they're at their best) is that the lazy Eels will think a run to the grand final from 8th is nothing too difficult and not lift their game consistently until August.

Perhaps this might work: they have a 3-1 win-loss record as outsiders with the bookies this season, so who am I to tell them how to run their season? Score: B-

Sydney Roosters (eq 7th): The Roosters have struggled after a very good start in the early-season heat. While any Brian Smith-coached team is a threat to knock off highly fancied opposition (their win against the Gold Coast was impressive), their general level of play and lack of consistency will probably see them fall short of the finals in 2010. Score: C-

Canberra (eq 7th): A bizarre Canberra season so far, led by their quite good record away from home, but very poor play in Canberra. They have won just 2 out of 5 at home, despite being in winning positions in 4 of these games. But they were excellent in winning at Parramatta and at Wollongong.

By this logic, their home-dominated remainder of schedule should see them finish near last, but this should turn around soon. Hard to see them making the 8 though, with Alan Tongue set to miss much of the season, with the petulant Terry Campese in a position of on-field leadership and rumours continuing to circulate about Josh Dugan and his dissatisfaction in Canberra. Score: D+

New Zealand (11th): To be fair, the Warriors have looked better than they did in 2009, although this has not been hard. Still, they have looked ok at times despite some key injuries (Vatuvei, Price, Rapira, Seymour). They will always be a threat to win on their day (which usually involves rain in Auckland) but the loss of Brent Tate is another nail in their 2010 coffin. Score: D

Newcastle (12th): Possibly the most difficult team to support this season. With much of the same team which was in the upper part of the table last season, the Knights have descended into a highly inconsistent rabble. But then they perform brilliantly (as they did against the Roosters recently) and you wonder why they're not winning far more often.

The Knights are probably best personified by Kurt Gidley: capable of brilliance, not sure what position they're playing and often wondering if they should play a different sport. Score: D-

Cronulla (13th): Cronulla is a weird team, in that they have a number of big names, they have looked atrocious for long periods of the season, but have put together two very strong performances in recent weeks (against Parramatta and the Roosters). Granted, these opponents were backing up soon after tough games, but Cronulla should be able to produce this form more often.

Much like the US economy, Cronulla went off a cliff late in 2008, had a horror 2009 and have exhibited some 'green shoots' in 2010. Much like the US economy, Cronulla is probably going to be in financial poo for a very long time to come Score: E+

Canterbury (eq 14th): On to the major disappointments for 2010. Well, in Canterbury's case, they probably overachieved in 2009, but they probably shouldn't be equal last. They did lose a few important players from last season and have had a few injuries, but the greater culprit of their 2010 failures thus far has probably been Kimmorley, Ryan and Patten all showing their age much more so than last year.

You'd have to imagine they'll do better in the second half of the season, but a fairly good indicator since 2005 of whether a Bulldogs season is going to be rubbish is hard-working, loyal but far too small forward Brad Morrin. He played his first game in 2010 last week. Score E-

North Queensland (eq 14th): While it is true that Feral Thurston's presence on your team means you're always a chance, the Cowbores are carrying more dead wood than a Tasmanian logging truck. And that's with Willie Mason having a fairly good season so far. The likes of Webb, O'Donnell, Payne, Rovelli, Bani, Graham and Ty Williams - most of whom are regular first graders - means the Cowbores are giving most teams a significant leg-up.

Things aren't all bad with some promising youngsters coming through (Tamou, Morgan, Thompson and Tupou) and some reliable older players (Scott and Bowen), but when Feral Thurston takes up 65% of your salary cap, this doesn't leave much room for new talent. Score: F-

Melbourne (16th): Enough has been said on Melbourne administration's offences (crimes?), but surely every game of theirs now is required viewing. Frustrated players, creative players playing without the constraint of Bellamy's discipline, some very good young players getting a chance, souped-up opposition crowds, uncertain opposition players, super-motivated opposition players and perhaps later in the season (when some teams join Melbourne in the 2010 Losers' Lounge) the chance of some thuggish play or some huge fights. There's every chance we'll never see anything like this again (not a team caught cheating the cap, but a team whose season is made irrelevant by punishment) so it's probably investing in some popcorn, getting comfy and watching some great action, one way or the other. Score: n/a.

See you next week.

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Round 12: A Gathering of The Minds

Rugby League has long been renowned as a game, as a code which can shrug off adversity. Like a wide-running Dave Taylor through dogged defence or a Geoff Toovey fighting off one big forward after another, rugby league has emerged triumphant despite being pursued by some of life’s most vicious defenders over much of its 102 year history.

This week, as rugby league is confronted with the next challenger in the form of a big-spending AFL out to attack its core group of supporters (or, at least, their children), the time has come once again to fight back.

But this battle will take more than being able to run through a brick wall or wait out the worst of the damage. The threat of the AFL will not be leaving any time soon. The need for craftiness, savvy and, most of all, intelligence is paramount in preventing an exodus of rugby league’s finest.

After a late night strategic session at NRL HQ at Fox Studios, the Tuesday Roast can exclusively reveal the brains trust hand-picked to steer the greatest game of all out of stormy seas (no pun intended). As a display of their abilities, here is their breakdown of Round 12 of NRL action.

Andrew Voss: Thank you for that ominous welcome and I have to say, I’m excited! I’m not sure how we’ll go at coming up with top-level strategies to keep the likes of Israel For-now in the game, but God damn it, we’re going to have a bit of fun discussing the latest goings-on on the field! Speaking of young Israel, he could do a lot worse than to seek the counsel of our first guest Wendell Sailor.

Wendell Sailor: Too right Vossy, but you know what? I already spoke with Izzy. Wonderful young man, loves his family, I told him to take the money.

AV: Wendell! This was not the counsel I was expecting you to give! Izzy For-now could use some of your famous self-promotional and charismatic skills to persuade the mums, dads and binge-drinking, pack-fighting kids of Minno that AFL is worth watching.

WS: Nah, it’s all good. He’ll be back. All us good men come back. Even Gaz, who I thought was gone for good. But it’s the power of the Big Red V….

AV: And off we go. Get your sick bags ready…

WS: Yep, the Big Red V. How good are we going? Half the team backing up after Origin, half the team coming off a tough game just last Sunday, half the team back from injury — maths never was my strong suit Vossy, but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got the Red V! — and we still kicked Parra’s butt all the way back to last season.

Just way too good in the end and I must say I was not surprised. You know why? Yep, the Red V. To be fair, Parra was missing a few good men, but in the end, you know what? They were told “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” and you know what else they couldn’t handle? Yep, the Big Red V. Just an amazing effort. Jamie marshalling the troops, Darius busting tackles, Brett with the speed, big Horse backing up from Origin, International Dell — in 2 codes don’t forget — with the motivation…everyone contributed.

AV: Amazing. Not the Dragons’ effort – that was pretty standard for this high-achieving team – but anyone who can put up with that self-serving tripe week after week on multiple channels. Thanks anyway though, in this case, your analysis was pretty close to the mark.

Brad Fittler: Heh Mark. Marky Mark and the Ffffunky Bunch!

AV: Actually Dell doesn’t sound so bad now. Anyway, on to the second game of Friday night and the Tigers took on New Zealand at Campbelltown. Brad Fittler was there for Channel 9, Freddy, what did you think of the Tigers’ big win?

BF: Thanks Vossy, yeh I was out at Scrumbletown for the big game. It was pretty close for a while then the Tiges just went whoooooosh.

AV: Doesn’t get much more concise than that! Cheers Freddy.

BF: Nah mate I’m not done yet. So yeh, big win for the Tiges. Best for the Tiges was Ellis, Robbie and young Daniela. Love his speed! I love it! But not sure about his passing, Robbie juggled and fuggled it around before scoring right before the half.

For the Warriors, big Packer was solid as was Tate, while young Thai wasn’t bad. Well actually I didn’t notice him play, I just like his name. Pad Thai hahaha.

AV: Nice one Freddy, can’t believe you actually said that on the broadcast. You’re living every 35 year old bogan’s dream life you know that?

BF: Nah Joey’s the bogan, Cessnock is wayyyy more bogan than Penno!

Andrew Johns: Is not!

BF: Is too! No returns!

AJ: Vossy, tell him he can’t do no returns!

AV: Alright boys, settle down. Geez…at least MG just argues with his other personalities, this is much worse! Anyway, on to the Saturday night games and we’re joined by the head of Fox Sports’ ‘Dream Team’ (giggle), self-anointed Brisbane supporter and former Cleo Bachelor of the Year Ryan Phelan for his description of the Sharks v. Broncos game. Ryan?

Ryan Phelan: Cheers Vossy. I mean, what an honour to work with some of the greats of the modern game!

BF: Heh, he said gay!

RP: But on to the action at hand and Cronulla turned up at Toyota Stadium all pumped up and raring for action. But someone forgot to tell the weather, which was AGAIN pretty average for a Cronulla home game! I tell you, they have the worst luck there is!

But Cronulla had more bad luck when they fell behind in the first half. Lockyer’s try-saving tackle on Barrett was a stand-out play, but how often would it happen? Rarely I say. And Tupou’s steal was certainly no worse than Thurston’s in Origin 1, but the referees show no signs of consistency and Brisbane received the penalty for a 2-point lead. Just before half time, Brisbane put the first try on as big Izzy took the kick to touch down.

Brisbane secured their lead with another Lock. As in, a Lock-yer try. Cronulla tried hard but was not helped by Tim Smith. I think even he would admit he had a tough night. He’s a good halfback but he’s no…..Mitchell Pearce (obligatory Fox Sports brown-nosing Mitchell Pearce endorsement alert!!!). Some poor options from Smith saw Brisbane run down field and finish the game with a try to Winterstein.

There you go, boys. I may have received this job because I’m a pretty face and I’m not the arrogant know-it-all that Warren Smith is, but I think you’ll agree that was some pretty sharp game summarisation right there. If you agree, call me on the Fox Fan Fone now!

AV: Cheers Ryan, thanks for that. I reckon you should sit by that ‘fone’ and wait for the calls yourself mate coz there’ll be plenty (not).

On to the next game: the Cowboys and Manly. Look at the list of great halfbacks who have made insightful judges after their career has finished: Sterling….umm…Johns (gulp), Mortimer….(eek)….Freeman….the game’s greatest thinker hahahahahahahaha Ricky Stuart…Mr. Excitement himself Michael Hagan. Yep, what an awesome list. But our next guest is here pretty much because it’s a condition of his new massive contract, welcome to Johnathan Thurston!

Johnathan Thurston: THANKS VOSSY, I’M LIKE STOKED TO BE HERE, THE PILLS AND ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY HAVE PRETTY MUCH WORKED AND I’M CALM NOW AFTER SATURDAY NIGHT…

AV: That’s um…great mate.

JT: YEH I EFFIN THOUGHT SO TOO AY. SEE, I CAN SAY EFFIN AND RELEASE MY FRUSTRATION WITHOUT OFFENDING ANY SOFTC….

AV: Ok ok, wohhh, steady on there.

JT: SORRY VOSSY, I GUESS I’M STILL ANGRY. I MEAN, HOW THE firetruck DID WE LOSE TO THAT JOKE OF A TEAM?! SORRY, BUT THEY HAD NO FORAN AND MOST OF THEIR FORWARDS BACKING UP FROM ORIGIN, THEY WERE RIPE FOR THE TAKING!!!! AND THEN JAMIE firetrucking LYON GOT INJURED AND THEY GOT EVEN MORE faeces!!

HOW THE way DID WE LET FOUR EASY firetrucking TRIES DOWN OUR RIGHT SIDE IN ABOUT FIVE firetrucking MINUTES IN THE FIRST HALF?? WITH THREE OF THEM TO A firetrucking GUY ON DEBUT?!?!?!

FINALLY WE STARTED PLAYING NEAR OUR BEST BUT THEN I COULDN’T firetrucking KICK ANY GOALS, MY firetrucking AIM WAS WORSE THAN A firetrucking EXECUTIONER WITH firetrucking PARKINSON’S!! HERE’S AN EXAMPLE…

Andy Raymond: “Gee, the Cowboys nearly butchered that try as Ah Mau waited until it was almost too late to find support, but luckily Ash Graham was on the spot to make it a double and now Thurston lines up the kick…”

JT (at game): (adjusts headgear) (adjusts jersey on right shoulder) (adjusts jersey on right upper arm) (sort of yawns, sort of as if trying to eat something above his mouth, sort of like a cat about to clean itself) (more adjusting of head gear) (more jersey manipulation) (more jaw exercises) (more justification why he is known as Feral)…..

AR: “….and Thurston hooks that one just to the side, he’s missed two in a row now”

JT (at game): firetruck!!! firetrucking firetruck!!! (destroys water bottle)

JT: BUT NOT ONLY THAT, WE BUTCHERED TRY AFTER firetrucking TRY OVER ABOUT 10 firetrucking MINUTES! WHY DID I RE-SIGN TO PLAY WITH SUCH A BUNCH OF firetrucking people suffering from mental OR physical handicaps?!

ANYWAY FINALLY O’DONNELL BARGES OVER, I FINALLY KICK A firetrucking GOAL AND WE’RE BACK IN IT. BUT THERE’S STILL TIME FOR US TO BLOW A FEW MORE CHANCES THEN TOP IT OFF WITH A BREAK IN THE FINAL MINUTE THAT’S CALLED BACK ABOUT AN HOUR AND A firetrucking HALF LATER!!! THAT LITTLE segment of faeces OF A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A REF CAN’T EVEN firetrucking TELL ME WHY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, EVERYONE firetrucking KNOWS ME UP HERE SO I CAN’T GO AND commit various acts of abuse against groupies, animals and/or my wife LIKE I DID AT THE BULLDOGS!! NO WONDER I’M SO FRUSTRATED ON THE FIELD!! AHHHHHHHH!

Andrew Johns: I know what you’re saying JT, I blew up against Manly in ’06 just like you did. Luckily though, I was able to get away with everything because I was idolised in Newcastle. Just keep it all in-house, have a confessional interview with Gould after your career is over and it will be sweet.

WS: Very true Joey. Rugby League is very forgiving if you play your cards right. At times, my life was a living hell. I called those times “Rugby”. I was also done for drugs. But if you say sorry, give the punters plenty of what they want to hear, then anything can be repaired. It might take a bit longer with you, I’m not sure it’s been done with someone resembling Neanderthal Man before, but it’s definitely possible.

BF: If all else fails, JT, you can act like a 10-year old kid. Works for me!

AV: Now there’s a Master Class I’m not sure we really wanted to hear. Thanks to JT for that…game report…of sorts.

On to Sunday’s action and first up was the almost unrecognisable Storm and the quite recognisable but not form-wise Bulldogs. Former Bulldog, the Big Marn himself, Darryl Brohman was there.

Darryl Brohman: Gee, thanks Vossy, way to throw me in the deep end! How is my incredibly self-deprecating façade and pretending to be an idiot going to work against these actual idiots? I couldn’t get to Fittler’s level if I slept in a concrete mixer!

Anyway, my old team the Bulldogs desperately needed a win, but Melbourne’s care-free attitude and team list almost devoid of stars made the Bulldogs’ task much harder from a mental perspective. How do you fire yourself up for a huge effort when most of the opposition’s good players are sitting on the sidelines?

In the first half, the Bulldogs went about as well as I do trying not to eat or trying not to be totally pathetic in search for a laugh from my increasingly tired act, they were down 23-nil at the break. Some highlights were Josh Morris’ pathetic attempted pass back to Patten after a grubber kick which gave Melbourne their third try, a collective pathetic attempt to regain a Melbourne line drop-out which saw Melbourne come up with the ball and Ben Hannant looking almost as fat as me!

To answer my earlier question, the Bulldogs found a 23-point deficit was a good way to fire up and looked a lot better after half-time. If it wasn’t for one of the great try-saving tackles by Matt Duffie and a bizarre no-try ruling (under the current stupid rules) by the video referee on a Blake Green effort, the Bulldogs may well have snatched a victory against the careless Storm. Just like I may live to see 60 thanks to my utter disregard for my health in order to perpetuate this pathetic “Big Marn” persona. In the end, a solid win for the Storm.

AV: Not much I can add to that! Andrew Johns saw Souths take on Penrith in the other Sunday game. Joey, what did you think?

AJ: Truth be told, Vossy, I don’t think very often, but the massively furrowed brow I display when I’m on camera but not talking can give that impression.

Anyway, Souths and Penrith, two very capable teams, but two inconsistent teams as well. Penrith definitely missed big Petero and probably were in need of a tough game after some of their easy wins in recent weeks. Souths’ yo-yo form was in the positive to start with and they raced to a 22-6 lead. Penrith have been killing it with their kicking game and great fullback play, but it was Souths using these weapons, with Sandow and Wesser on the edges having great games.

The second half saw both sides return to form, Souths got comfy and Penrith fought back but Souths were never really threatened, Wesser in vintage form as the Bunnies won comfortably. The question is: can they back this up next week?

BF: Bo-ring! Someone get this guy a fun transplant?

JT: YEH NAH THEY PROBABLY WILL WIN AGAIN COZ THEY PLAY US NEXT AND I’M PROLLY GONNA GET SUSPENDED FOR SWEARING TOO MUCH. WHERE THE firetruck DID THEY COME UP WITH THAT cow faeces?!

BF: The same place Mr Boring over there comes up with his boring commentary!

AJ: Shutup! I’m just doing my job like you should try to do for once since you’ve finished playing! Are we nearly done here Vossy? Me and Freddy were gonna hit up the TAB.

AV: Trust me guys, I’d love nothing more than let you go, but there’s one game left. On Monday night, the Sydney Roosters turned around a two-game losing streak with an impressive win on the Gold Coast. Laurie Daley was there.

WS: Lozza! He loves the Dragons almost as much as I do! Dean Young for Origin 2!

Laurie Daley: Thanks Vossy, and the Sydney Roosters were ‘uge tonight in gitting the job done with a comprehensive effort over the Gold Coast. It looked ominous early on as the Titans jumped to a 10-nil lead on the back of Scotty Prince and his show-and-go move. You’ve seen a hundred times but it gits the defender to pause briefly and you’re gone. Some say he’d play for NSW if he was a New South Welshman. Not me though, Kimmorley is a solid halfback with that size we’re looking and a reliable kicking game.

But this was a bit too easy and the Titans relaxed a little, their attitude suffered and the Roosters responded with 4 tries, two came from Anasta and Anthony Minichiello. These guys were wonderful servants for New South Wales. Mini’s probably a bit too old, but Anasta…nah, I’ve been in love with Barrett for years, if anyone’s going to make me forget about playing Jamie Lyon at five-eighth, it’s Barrett not Anasta.

Prince set up another try and cut the deficit to 2 at half-time, but the game was won with the Roosters’ excellent defence early in the second half before sealing the win with 2 tries. Nate Myles had a great game but he’s certainly no Ben Creagh. Mitchell Pearce returned from injury and set up a number of tries, I spoke with him after the game.

Mitchell Pearce: “Yeh nah we wen ok d’night, yeh I was pretty ‘appy, y’know, yeh me shoulder’s swoit nah it’s tops ay, yeh nah the platform laid by the forwards and I just followed it ay yeh nah, but yeh they’re a good team and ‘ard to beat up ‘ere so it’s good to get away with the win”

LD: I’m no oil painting with enunciation and clear speaking but geez… Can’t give anything away about his Origin chances, but the panel love Kimmorley and Bellamy believes we’re not that far away. You don’t want to be changing things going up to Lang Park. But yeh, not giving anything away. Anyway, an impressive effort by the Roosters in gitting the job done with a ‘uge effort.

AV: If I was the AFL, I’d just give up now – what a collection of minds and collective intelligence! Thanks for watching, regular transmission will I’m sure resume next week.

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