Round 3: The Annual Limerick Roast (or A More Popular Irish Bailout)

In a week where self-confessed weak swimmer — but born-again religious man — Jarryd Hayne rescued overwhelmed Irish backpacker Christina Caffrey from rough surf at Coogee dominated the rugby league headlines, it seems appropriate that this week’s Roast should be in limerick form…

Parramatta v. South Sydney

There once was a young man named Hayne
Who rescues chicks and teams by Plane
But faced with Souths’ pack
And their sinister attack
All Hayne could do was apportion blame

It was a relatively easy and overdue win for Souths on Friday night, led by their left-side attack of Dave Taylor, Greg Inglis and others. Hayne might have rescued one person from tough conditions last Wednesday, but his task on Friday night, while on the more familiar landscape of a rugby league field, was much more difficult. Given the task of defending Souths’ representative left-side attack was middle-of-the-road talent Ben Smith and two inexperienced players in Morgan and Uaisele. It took a little while, but Souths took full advantage here; left winger Fetuli Talanoa benefited from the inside dominance to record two tries, but Taylor and Inglis deservedly received the post-match praise.

Hayne has never been much good at covering the mistakes of others from fullback and had next to no chance on Friday night. However, his post match comments were directed at the referees, who disallowed two tries when the scoreboard still said nil-all and who Hayne accused of allowing the second half to start before the Eels were ready, which contributed to a mistake from the kick-off by Smith and then to a try by Talanoa. Hayne might have had a point, but it was difficult not to see Souths winning this game even if Parramatta was first to score.

Souths’ win was even more impressive given the loss of Issac Luke to concussion midway through the game. Veteran Mick Crocker moved into the unfamiliar role of dummy half and had an excellent game, capping his performance with a somewhat fortunate but exciting late try. One of the starting second rowers in the Tuesday Roast Team of the 2000s, Crocker lost much of the last two seasons to injury but might be capable of one last strong season before retirement.

This win continued Crocker’s remarkable run of success against Parramatta; he has not lost to Parramatta in his last 11 games and his only two losses to them came in the 2001 season.

Gold Coast v. Brisbane

There once was a young man named Friend
On whose intensity the Titans depend
They came close in Round Three
But fell short due to Hodgy
Their season is nearing a dead end

After starting the season with 2 losses, the Gold Coast Titans desperately needed to get their season going against Brisbane on Friday night. They were strengthened by the return of a number of good players from injury, including Laffranchi and Meyers, but they remained lacking from the dummy half position without the underrated Nathan Friend. They took the lead, but their attack never looked too likely to extend this lead into double figures and eventually Brisbane wore the Titans down. Long-time absentee Justin Hodges unleashed his trademark right-foot sidestep — perhaps not quite as crisply as he once did — to cut through the defence for the match-winning try.

Much has been made of the older Gold Coast Titans line-up, but they would be much better served with a few key players back in their team: Friend and the recently retired Mat Rogers. Gold Coast has yet to find a replacement for him at five-eighth and look likely to be missing his output for some time to come.

Penrith v. Cronulla

There once was a team from the Shire
Who rarely emerged from the financial mire
But they could do no wrong
Against a team of nongs
The Shire boys were on fire

This looked to be a good contest, as both teams came in on the back of strong wins. Many expected Cronulla to experience some sort of letdown after the high of beating local rival St George Illawarra, but the Sharks instead gave us some of the best and most entertaining action seen in the NRL so far this season as they demolished Penrith.

Penrith looked to have moved on from their incredibly disappointing Round 1 effort against Newcastle with a professional win over Parramatta last week, but whether it was complacency, injuries or sheer forgetfulness, something caused them to produce a near perfect replica of their Newcastle performance in this game. Their new signing Timana Tahu could be forgiven a lack of match fitness but not for some dumb plays and seemingly no knowledge about the rules crackdown.

Cronulla exploited his Tahu’s rust brilliantly, but the best part of their game, especially in the first half, was their willingness to spread and promote the ball in attack. Normally, they are amongst the leaders in the NRL in handling errors and low completion rate, but their first half contained an incredible 18 offloads and a 90 per cent completion rate. Amazing.

Wests Tigers v. Canberra

There once was a young man named Marshall
Who never lost to those from the national capital
He deceived and dissected at pivot
Despite taking a massive divot
He was infinity times better than Matt Awful

The other Saturday game saw the Tigers quite easily account for Canberra, where the Benji Marshall highlight reel lasted minutes. Canberra’s defence tried hard but had little chance against a quick-stepping, bullet-passing five-eighth in combination with a deep and fast-moving attack. A botched goal kick attempt gave the Haterz something to laugh at, but this was merely the mole on Cindy Crawford.

For Canberra, Blake Ferguson scored three tries to continue the fine family tradition of haunting teams named the Tigers, but apart from his individual brilliance, Canberra never looked likely. This is what happens when you have a halfback — Matt Awful — who missed out on selection for Australia’s Paralympic Rugby League Team.

New Zealand v. St George Illawarra

The Dragons suffered plenty of pain
Against Cronulla, after travel and in the rain
Despite being men down
They made those into clowns
Who expected two losses for Wayne

This was yet another away game for the Dragons — that GST guy must be accumulating some massive Frequent Flyer miles, just quietly — but most importantly, the Dragons’ pack appeared to be much weaker without Michael Weyman and Ben Creagh. Their opponents, the Warriors, have long been known as having one of the better forward packs in the competition and, given the template provided by Cronulla last Monday night, surely a fired-up Warriors’ pack would put all they had into a major effort?

Instead, this game was all about the Dragons and their inspired effort. They had the better of the Warriors’ forwards and had the game won by half-time thanks to two excellent tries by Jason Nightingale. After half time, the Warriors closed the gap, but only after the Dragons got bored of practicing their defence.

The Dragons would have been very happy with their effort but also that they registered a win without Weyman: in his two-plus years with the Dragons, their record without him was just 6-6. However, surely the Warriors are more distressed at their record minus Manu Vatuvei: just one win in the last 13 games he hasn’t played.

Canterbury v. Sydney Roosters

These major rivals met in the rain
Still, it was an entertaining game
The Chooks threatened to crow
But it was the Dogs who went 3-0
Thanks to that superstar….Corey Payne?!?!

These teams met in Round 3 2010, where each team’s form was opposite to what it was leading into this game. The struggling Bulldogs broke out to thrash the high-flying Roosters in 2010, so many expected a win for the struggling Roosters and an end to the Bulldogs’ strong start. An entertaining but see-sawing game looked, at times, like providing this outcome, but also another strong Bulldogs win and a close finish at different times.

In the end, the humid conditions, a physical battle and the Roosters receiving an injury after having made their final interchange meant both teams were exhausted at 80 minutes. Somehow, Rooster Kane Linnett had the energy to lift his head from the bound scrum structure, which saw the final few seconds run off the clock and the Bulldogs hang on for the win, but both teams would have been encouraged by this effort.

Incredibly the difference in the game was probably Corey Payne. Payne is little more than an average back-rower (he does have a university degree, but this can be a hindrance more than an asset) but he unveiled a quite nice offload ability in this game, setting up two tries and one long break downfield.

Manly v. Newcastle

Sunday saw the return to Brookvale
Of the Snake and the other Silvertails
Snake was strong in attack
But it was the ferocious Manly pack
Who sent Newcastle back home to ail

After their incredible effort last week against the Roosters, one had to wonder if Manly could produce anything near a repeat in their first home game of the season against Newcastle. However, Newcastle was probably also due for a defeat; there was no ‘bounce back’ in this game, only two potential ‘due for a loss’ scenarios.

Newcastle started well, but Manly was more than capable of producing very physical play again this week and got on top here. Not just on the scoreboard, but on the benches. Quite legitimately, Manly took FIVE Newcastle players out of the game, one of which had to return to the game in a concussed state.

Not surprisingly, the game lost much of its edge in the second half. Newcastle continued to try hard but was a shell of its best, with so many players out of position, while Manly had little motivation to continue with the physicality and, with an eye on the draw (they play again on Friday night), eased off and coasted to the win.

North Queensland v. Melbourne

There once was a disgusting man named Feral
Who at times can play brilliantly well
He dissected the Storm
This is far from the norm
But the media reaction left many feeling unwell

Melbourne had escaped the ‘bounce back’/upset craze of the first few rounds….until last night that is. While they lost much of their squad in order to bring their salary down to a legal level, and could perhaps be forgiven for not exhibiting the famous Melbourne consistency ALL the time, the shoddy, disjointed performance they displayed last night was most un-Melbourne-like.

However, they had three major factors against them: the weather (which more often than not seems to help the underdogs), a motivated Cowbores team and some significant injuries (which prevented Melbourne from stopping a Cowbores onslaught in the latter part of this game).

The Cowbores led 10-6 at half time; it probably should have been a much greater lead, although Melbourne, in a rare first-half attack, should have had another try. But the score blew out in the second half as the injury-hit Storm were picked apart by Feral Thurston. He might be a disgusting human being who can frighten women and children merely by being in the same room as them, but his instinctive attacking abilities (on the rugby league field, not at Coffs Harbour) and ability to evaluate in an instant when his team has an overlap are unmatched in today’s game of programmed halfbacks and playmakers.

It was fair enough for the commentators to heap praise on Feral Thurston, the Cowbores’ forwards (led by former Storm player Dallas Johnson) and coach Neil Henry’s looooooooong overdue selection of talented rookies Fai Fai Loa, Segeyaro and Tariq Sims to cut more of the dead wood out (e.g. Michael Bani), but as always, the commentators were in ecstasy over ‘Little Matty Bowen’ (is this his actual name? You’d be forgiven for thinking so) and Ashley Graham and their ‘efforts’.

Bowen and Graham do little in a game apart from benefit from the brilliance of others. Bowen wouldn’t be among the top 10 fullbacks in the game, he goes missing for weeks at a time and is not at the athlete or playmaker most teams now want at fullback, but you wouldn’t know it judging by the media hype. Meanwhile, Graham is, quite simply, a cat, someone who shies away from physical contact and celebrates like it’s New Years Eve whenever he falls across the line thanks to some Feral Thurston brilliance.

The north Queensland region suffers more than most with natural disasters, this is true, but do we really need such sycophantic toadying and hyperbole to be liberally splashed over the Cowbores and these two mildly entertaining players whenever they breathe to make up for this bad luck??

See you next week.

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Round 2: The Round 2 Bounce-Back: Dead Cat, trampoline or something in between?

Noted rugby league media figure Phil Gould — one of the best coaches — and smartest players — in the modern era — once gave his perspective on how teams approach Round 2. In short, he believed that most teams invest heavily during the pre-season to have the best possible performance in Round 1…and that the Round 1 result can significantly impact upon how they play in Round 2.

A Round 1 victory – big or small, easy or well-earned – can give way to complacency or, at the very least, a little less urgency in the next game. This discrepancy in performance can be magnified if this team’s Round 2 opposition is one who lost – again, either a big or a small loss – in Round 1. A Round 1 loss, despite the combined effort of many over the pre-season, hurts and often drives teams to an even greater effort in Round 2.

Gould used to think so highly of his theory that his Round 2 tips had all the Round 1 losers winning in Round 2 (where they were up against Round 1 winners). Obviously he changed his mind – or forgot – about his theory, because his tips (as shown on http://www.smh.com.au and indicated in the Tuesday Roast tipping ladder) for Round 2 2011 included losses for all 6 Round 1 losers (who were playing Round 1 winners).

However, with a bit more thought, Gould probably would have done well to stick to his theory. How do the bounce back teams perform in Round 2 (against Round 1 winners) in the current era (i.e. since 2003)? And does the market (represented by the bookmakers i.e. where the smart money goes, or is supposed to go) adequately take the bounce back factor into account in Round 2? This week’s Roast takes a closer look at the phenomenon that is the Round 2 Bounce-Back.

Between 2003 and 2010, those teams who are capable of bouncing back when taking on teams coming off a Round 1 victory had a combined win-loss record of 17-18. Meanwhile, over the same timeframe, the market’s combined win-loss record in picking winners was 32-28 (or 53%); over this timeframe for all games, the market probably had a success rate closer to 65%.

So there was reason to expect some unexpected results over the weekend, especially as wet weather set in across Sydney. Six of the 8 Round 2 games involved a Round 1 loser taking on a Round 2 winner, with 4 taking place in Sydney. In addition, some teams were embarrassed in Round 1, while others looked headed in that direction by an early-season abundance of absent players.

In 2009 and 2007, there were also 6 Round 2 games where the bounce back could have happened and both times, the Round 1 loser won 4 out of 6. Here’s how the 6 potential bounce back games unfolded over Round 2 2011.

Parramatta v. Penrith: this one caught the eye of many as a potential bounce back game, given how poorly Penrith played in front of their home supporters in Round 1, but this looked a new Parramatta team, one with Storm-like qualities of patience and constant readiness to play tough, close games. Surely Penrith, the rabble of Round 1, couldn’t turn their mess around in just 5 days?

It may seem remarkably self-evident, but the potential bounce back teams could all take heart from the scoreboard in Round 2 starting at 0-0, never mind how bad it was at the end of Round 1 and how often they were reminded about this by supporters and media. Penrith relished the opportunity of a clean slate, forced Parramatta into an early error, monopolised possession in the early minutes and took an early lead.

From here, Parramatta followed much of the same plan that was so successful in Auckland last week but this opponent was much more committed, knew what was coming and had the weather on their side (Parramatta took few risks, even as the deficit mounted). Helped by an excellent kicking game (from Walsh and especially Lachlan Coote), Penrith enjoyed the best of field position and wore Parramatta down, only conceding points very late on.

Bounce Back 1 – Status Quo nil.

Canberra v. Brisbane: while Brisbane wasn’t thrashed like Penrith was, many thought they played near their best in going down in a close one to the Cowbores. Hence, many expected Canberra to win this one, led by their impressive forward pack.

These people didn’t adequately consider the debut of Matt Awful in Raiders colours.

There was some concern when Canberra took on Cronulla that Canberra’s rookie halfback Sam Williams might be out of his depth, especially being paired with Josh McCrone, who is not much older than Williams. However, Williams looked very talented, with great halfback instincts, a strong kicking game and the ability to run forward in attack.

The far more experienced but much less competent Awful has none of these qualities. Apparently though he is a worm (as in worming his way out of a contract with English club Bradford for no good reason) and a con-artist (as in convincing Canberra to sign him to a three-year contract when he was washed up in 2009 and given they have a future Origin player in Williams coming through the ranks).

Awful took over at the Storm after the halcyon Brett Kimmorley era and increasingly became a clone of the recently retired halfback. When Craig Bellamy took over as Storm coach and he became surrounded by some top-shelf talent (Slater, Smith, Hill, Kearns etc.), he looked like a mid to top level halfback. The Storm’s failure to progress beyond week 2 of the semi finals was apparently nothing to do with him, as evidenced by Manly offering him a massive four-year contract starting in 2006. They wouldn’t have been happy when Melbourne surged to the 2006 minor premiership with previously unknown Cooper Cronk replacing Orford.

Despite yet another failure to move beyond week 2 of the finals series in 2006, Awful somehow won the battle with previous incumbent halfback Michael Monaghan and rode the coattails of a dominant forward pack to grand finals in 2007 and 2008. Not content with defrauding Manly out of more than $1 million and a very good halfback, he somehow won the Dally M in 2008!

After the revelation of the Melbourne Storm systemic salary cap rorting, their two premierships are now recorded as asterisks in the record books. Surely, history will view the 2008 Dally M as being similarly tainted, not by cheating, but by being at the right place in the right time more than anyone has ever been and ever will be.

Not surprisingly, as Manly’s forward dominance wore off in 2009, so did those delusional people who thought Awful was a good player (especially those Dally M judges, who must still wake in the middle of the night with a cold sweat screaming “What were we thinking??????”). His waning days in the maroon and white were characterised by steering Manly’s attack across the park waiting for a straight runner that never materialised. By this time, Glenn Stewart and Jamie Lyon on the right were responsible for most of Manly’s incisive attack.

The game stayed tight for a while, but Canberra never looked like reaching double figures with Awful steering their attack (with that said though, he NEVER plays well behind beaten forwards and Canberra’s pack had a rare poor showing) and Brisbane put on two nice tries midway through the second half to secure a good win.

Bounce Back 2 – Status Quo nil.

Melbourne v. Gold Coast: the Titans, while short-handed, especially in the forwards, gave a solid account of themselves in Round 1 and looked a decent chance of defeating a Storm team which seemed to be getting used to their new, legal, line-up.

It might have been new players for the Storm, but they looked remarkably like players of old, as the Storm thrashed the Titans. Only 2 tries in the final 3 minutes put the Titans on the scoreboard. There was certainly no bounce back here.

Bounce Back 2 – Status Quo 1.

South Sydney v. Canterbury: Something has to break at Souths: a team full of big names, a celebrity owner, a large supporter base and an aging coach ready to explode after another fiery half-time speech. They looked to have the edge on the Bulldogs in the forwards and this proved to be correct as the game wore on in the second half, they were gaining more metres downfield with each set of tackles than the Bulldogs were. With some smart execution, it looked as though the tied score-line would eventually and ultimately favour Souths.

However, the Bulldogs, while struggling somewhat, did enough to stay in the game and would have been doing cartwheels when Chris Sandow decided to take a field goal and a one-point lead in the 67th minute. Not even Souths’ supporters cheered this! Ignoring the similarity between this and their Round 1 loss to the Roosters, the smarter than most Souths supporters realised they probably would have scored a try soon enough and that one point was taking a small gain at the cost of field position.

Sure enough, the Bulldogs made a break and Rhys Wesser’s try-saving tackle was immediately forgotten as he slowed the ensuing play-the-ball significantly enough to earn a 10-minute sin-bin stint. With under 10 minutes to go, the game was as good as gone; the Bulldogs scored soon after and again at the end to secure victory. This should have been another bounce back but for Souths’ dumb play.

Bounce Back 2 – Status Quo 2.

Sydney Roosters v. Manly: Now we get to the games where very few thought a bounce back might take place. Manly was missing a host of regulars to injury, suspension and a ‘training mishap’ (whatever that is). They had a solid starting line-up but their bench was almost anonymous, featuring two players on debut. Surely the Roosters would be far too good for such a weak team, with any necessary motivation needed to come from Manly’s overly aggressive behaviour in the teams’ last match in late 2010.

Instead, we saw an incredibly inspired effort from Manly combined with a lethargic performance by the Roosters. The Roosters were not helped by each of their three tries coming very easily; this surely only made a lax approach in the lead-up to the game even worse. Meanwhile, Manly played like their lives depended on the outcome. They rarely let up over 80 minutes, and when they did, another burst of intensity was not far off. Anthony Watmough led the forwards, showing he can star even when he’s not put through holes, but Kieran Foran was Manly’s best, with a physically dominant performance in both attack and defence.

Foran is far from a traditional five-eighth; in some ways, he’s like Kurt Gidley, an amazing athlete who could play numerous positions well but has to be in one position for the good of the team. It is still far from clear where he may end up, but performances such as this will dominate no matter where he plays. This was a textbook bounce back performance (from both teams).

Bounce Back 3 – Status Quo 2.

Cronulla v. St George Illawarra: this was the game the market gave the least chance of a bounce back, but this was a bit harsh. Cronulla, for all their failings, have a very good forward pack, partially at the expense of the Dragons, whose forward pack, while very competent, lacks some size and sting. Cronulla was embarrassed in Canberra last Sunday and figured to respond, especially against their local rivals. There was also the chance of a letdown for the Dragons after their return trip to England in recent weeks, while heavy rain also increased Cronulla’s chances, by emphasising their size advantage and forcing them to simplify their game.

However, in 2 and a bit seasons, the Dragons rarely have a bad game, especially early in the season and not against Canberra. Despite the above conditions, they had to be strong favourites against an inconsistent opponent such as Cronulla.

Ultimately, Cronulla prevailed; they won well, on the back of a dominant display from their forward pack, led by Gallen, Snowden and ex-Dragon Jeremy Smith. The edge for Cronulla was increased when Dragons prop Mick Weyman went off injured, but he probably wouldn’t have made that much difference.

While the Dragons were probably a little flat and the conditions didn’t allow them to get into their rhythm, they are bound to see oppositions filled with larger players until the Dragons forwards prove they can defeat (or at least neutralise) greater size.

However, the Dragons could have felt a little unlucky at several key decisions which went against them. They should have received another set of six tackles deep in attack early in the game, the penalty after Gallen’s short kick just before half time looked quite harsh and Stubs Pomeroy’s second try should not have been awarded as it would have fit nicely into the topic of this Roast: it most definitely BOUNCED.

With that said though, Cronulla was so dominant in the forwards that they probably would have won anyway. This was probably not in the class of the Roosters – Manly bounce back, but it was not far off.

Bounce Back 4 – Status Quo 2.

The other two games of Round 2 saw Wests Tigers ultimately triumph over the Warriors in the only match-up of Round 1 losers, while Newcastle gave another excellent performance in defeating the Cowbores. It was a very good reverse bounce back from the Cowbores, who looked good in Round 1, but absolutely inept in this game.

See you next week.

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Round 1: The NRL: The Game of the Everyday Man with Everyday Issues

NRL season 2011 started on Friday night and Round 1 provided entertaining contests, comebacks, intense games more typical of late-season play as well as some good old-fashioned early-season thrashings.

However, the best thing about Round 1 and the return of on-field action was the departure (for now, at least) of reports of off-field action. While it is understandable for various media organisations to highlight off-field transgressions (i.e. ratings, drive down costs for the upcoming round of broadcast rights for which their organisation is bidding, they’re in the AFL’s back pocket etc etc), it is all getting somewhat mundane.

The NRL and its players have come a long way. Scandals still take place, yes, but there are no longer despicable sexual acts, alcohol-fuelled mayhem or anything John Hopoate did. Instead, the players are learning; the NRL’s educative efforts are paying, contrary to what many may say.

For example, Ryan Tandy shouldn’t stand accused of spot-fixing, rather, he should be lauded for wise investing and securing his post-career income. Todd Carney shouldn’t be facing a drink-driving charge, rather he should be feted for going up to the shop on a Saturday morning to get stuff for a healthy and satisfying breakfast after one or two cleansing ales the night before. Benji Marshall shouldn’t be incarcerated for punching a man a week or so ago, he should be celebrated for taking a stand against racism (or, at least, bad insults). Mitchell Pearce shouldn’t have been in trouble for throwing ice when out with team-mates in 2009, he should have been praised for getting the message out (albeit in an unusual way) to keep well hydrated when consuming alcohol.

I could go on, but the point here is that the NRL is full of normal guys with normal thoughts on their mind who have normal things happen to them and normal things to worry about (despite the big pay packets, the abundance of tattoos and the practicing of gangster signals). Look at the unfortunate case of former Souths player David Kidwell, who in 2007 sustained a major knee injury merely by playing with his young daughter at home.

Let’s take a closer look at Round 1 of NRL action through the lens of normality.

Sydney Roosters v Souths

Ho-hum, how normal: Souths’ coach John Lang and his incredible loyalty to fullback Rhys Wesser.

It was a very entertaining contest to open the season, with the Roosters jumping out to a 28-6 lead before Souths, hit by injuries to three of their forwards, rode a wave of momentum to somehow take a 29-28 lead. But an inability to take the ensuing (short) kick-off gave the Roosters good attacking field position; they re-took the lead and scored again from a mistake after the siren.

While many teams take a lot from a close defeat, Souths and John Lang did not. Not only did they wear a $15,000 fine for briefly having too many players on the field, but their big-name signing from Melbourne via Brisbane saw little ball. Not that it was his fault, but many – including Inglis’ former coach – believe Inglis would be a better fit for Souths at fullback, where Wesser currently resides.

It’s never easy to push a respected player towards retirement, but considering Wesser was squeezed out at Penrith by up-and-coming juniors, it’s hard to think he would mind if one of the top 5 players in the game took his spot. I guess Lang’s feelings can be understood; he coached Wesser for many years at Penrith and he took his son Martin from Cronulla to Penrith – he’s clearly a loyal man. But his loyalty and delaying of one man’s retirement may prematurely bring on his if Souths lose a few more in quick time.

Brisbane v. North Queensland

Ho-hum, how normal: Darren Lockyer playing in a team with his son’s mates.

Ok, this is a slight exaggeration…but not a massive one. Lockyer started playing in 1995, when some of his current team-mates would not have yet started school.

When news broke that senior Broncos Justin Hodges and Ben Hannant would miss Friday night’s game, leaving Lockyer, Corey Parker, Peter Wallace, Sam Thaiday, Scott Tronc and….pretty much a bunch of kids to take on the Cowbores, the enormity of this task should have become apparent. The Cowbores may have struggled mightily in recent years, wasting some of the more talented players in the NRL, but they had the clear edge on Brisbane in all-round experience, especially with the signings of Dallas Johnson and Glenn Hall in the off-season, not to mention Matt Scott and Feral Thurston giving themselves (and team-mates) some key seconds to recover with pretend injuries when the Broncos had attacking momentum. It was a bit of a struggle, but the Cowbores got the win and broke a four-year drought against the Broncos.

New Zealand v. Parramatta

Ho-hum, how normal: Carl Webb missed this game due to injury (swollen cankles).

It doesn’t get much more common than this, especially in western Sydney, the home of calories. Carl Webb should feel right at home in Sydney’s Golden West, mostly when drives to the golden arches. It was a shame for Parra supporters and those who’ve had enough of watching the Biggest Loser alike that Webb couldn’t make it on to the field on Saturday night, especially after he just got over his recent bout of gout.

Webb really did miss this game with a calf injury, however if he’s in anything like the shape of his team-mates, it could be a career renaissance for the big Queenslander. Parramatta no longer appears to be the inconsistent, volatile, slow-starting team of years gone by. Instead, they look like Melbourne Storm clones. They gave a disciplined, intense, aggressive performance, especially for the first hour and soundly defeated the Warriors, although the Warriors did make the final score close. It might be difficult for Parramatta to repeat such a polished performance and they might have outside back issues as the season goes on, but they look set for a very good year.

One of Parramatta’s best was Luke Burt, who has taken over from Hazem El Masri as the smartest winger in the NRL (i.e. he plays well despite having only average speed, not much bulk or height). His positional play was excellent, his goal-kicking very good and he feasted on the Warrior back-three stew that Jarryd Hayne cooked up with his towering, swirling bombs. Meanwhile, Chris Walker, playing next to Burt in the Eels’ backline, did very little, except to threaten Beau Ryan’s stranglehold on the “Marginally Talented Team-Mate First to Celebrate Every Try” Award.

Gold Coast v. St George Illawarra

Ho-hum, how normal: Preston Campbell as the old guy in your social team who will play forever, tricking those far younger with his sleight of hand until he struggles to walk.

While John Lang sticks doggedly by his aging fullback, Gold Coast coach John Cartwright is slowly moving his aging, yet still extremely high performing, fullback towards retirement Gold Coast would probably still have lost on Saturday night, but it was quite unusual seeing someone else (Zillman) in the fullback jumper for the Titans, while Campbell filled in, quite out of position, at dummy half. That said, he did make a reasonable fist of it and played well, but the Titans missed their regular dummy half and tackling machine Nathan Friend badly.

This was not a supreme Dragons performance, but it was more than sufficient to defeat a Titans team whose chance to win a premiership with this current group of players has probably passed them by.

Melbourne v. Manly

Ho-hum, how normal: Billy Slater, Cooper Cronk and Cameron Smith are like the stars of the social sporting team who are the only ones left since all their mates have had to leave (due to kids, work reasons or just getting old). But they love the game too much to stop playing or play with another team, so they’re running around again with up-and-comers and lower grade players.

It was like old times for Melbourne….sort of. The barren wasteland that was the 2010 season was gone, Slater, Smith and Cronk were running the show and grinding out a win, while Craig Bellamy was cursing violently in the coaches’ box, covering the window with saliva like it was 2009 again. But this season will be the greatest test yet of Bellamy and the Storm’s ability to take discards and rejects from other teams and convert them into useful players, if not stars. That’s what playing by the rules will do to you, some might say…

Manly tried hard, but they were no match for Melbourne on this night. It could be a long season for Manly, whose depth has been savaged over the last few years; their bench, once a strength, must hurt coach Des Hasler’s eyes whenever he looks in that direction. Not to mention the high number of miles on the clock so to speak a number of Manly’s star players have logged in their last half-decade of success.

Canberra v. Cronulla

Ho-hum, how normal: Judging by his performance on Sunday, Paul Gallen was obviously led astray by a much less talented team-mate (possibly Ben Pomeroy) on Saturday night, taking in some of the night-time delights the thriving metropolis of Canberra has to offer (such as Mooseheads and the “Casino”).

The final score-line was embarrassing to Cronulla but this was a great opportunity for them to start the season with a win. Canberra looked vulnerable; without Campese (injured until midway through the season), Orford, Dugan (injured but soon to return), Monaghan, Logan (left the team) and Tongue (sadly injured again after a few minutes), Canberra was down on talent and experience. Meanwhile, they often lift at home against highly-rated teams but struggle at times against weak ones.

Cronulla took an early lead and Canberra looked a little nervous. They lacked direction and Cronulla looked solid. But from the 20 minute mark, the game changed. Canberra realised ex-Shark Blake Ferguson had a massive advantage over the men trying to mark him, while Cronulla (led by Gallen) made a number of stupid mistakes with poorly judged off-loads. It was an unusually poor game from Gallen, normally a beacon of consistency on a struggling Cronulla team.

Penrith v. Newcastle

Ho-hum, how normal: Michael Jennings was eerily like the social team sports player with much speed/skill but NO IDEA about some very important rules.

We’ve all experienced them: in soccer, he’s the guy who can score some brilliant goals, but you never know if he’s going to turn up week to week and for every brilliant goal he scores, he’ll give away 15 offside free kicks, plus a disgusted look at the officials, despite being metres in front of the last defender. On Sunday, Jennings was not listed to play but made himself available late on (one wonders how this happened….did he just feel like a run? Was it too hot to hang out at The Mean Fiddler?), then gave an insipid display. Clearly he came back too early from injury, but his worst offence was NUMEROUS penalties conceded by being off-side from kick-offs and line drop-outs.

Usually this laziness might prompt a warning from officials, but given the NRL told all teams these pedantic rules would be enforced early on this season, Jennings’ poor play should result in his demotion to reserve grade. Penrith coach Matt Elliott bravely, but stupidly, offered to take the blame for Jennings, but unless Elliott pinned the rule crackdowns on a noticeboard and he knows Jennings is illiterate (not that far-fetched to be fair), the blame for this should lay squarely on Jennings.

There was more idiocy from Penrith on Sunday with their decision to wear black on a very hot afternoon. Home teams have the choice of jersey and anything would have been better than black, even their yucky teal jersey. Why not have a white jersey for afternoons such as this?

Newcastle was excellent, but it will be difficult to assess them until they play some more credible opposition. Sadly for them, they lost two key players to injury and hence had to name Ben Rogers in this week’s team line-up. Advantage: whoever Newcastle is playing.

Canterbury v. Wests Tigers

Ho-hum, how normal: Tigers winger Mitch Brown couldn’t play (TAFE on Monday nights).

Surely, with Beau Ryan injured, Brown must have had some other commitment which precluded him from being named to play the Bulldogs on Monday night. Why else would the Tigers choose Matt Utai, two years removed from his last NRL game (when the Bulldogs hilariously tried playing him as a back-rower) who kept himself ready for NRL by playing park football last season? It felt awkward just watching the Tigers trying to integrate such a foreign object into their set-up; it could only have been far more difficult for the players.

Tigers coach Teflon Tim Sheens has form in signing and selecting veterans well past their use-by date. Daniel Fitzhenry’s career lasted about 15 years longer than it should have thanks to Sheens, while Jason Moodie inexplicably made a comeback in 2007 after being retired for three years on the Tigers wing. Hopefully Utai doesn’t make it to the 8 games Moodie did before having second thoughts about his comeback.

Luckily for the Tigers, the Bulldogs rarely tried to exploit Utai’s lack of height or speed by attacking his wing. However, the Bulldogs’ focus, playing a simple but intense game, attacking the Tigers up front, was good enough, especially with top-shelf contributions from centres Jamal Idris and Josh Morris.

See you next week.

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Round 26: Tuesday Roast™ People's Choice Awards

As many rugby league supporters would know, the major end of season awards - the Dally M's - will take place on Tuesday night. But as with most awards nights, the Dally M's are rather bland (save for some excerpts of unintentional humour and the must-view post Dally M's Powerpoint presentation).

So here are some awards the average punter might enjoy a little more...

The Palm Motor Inn (where Julian O'Neill notoriously "sh*t in Schlossy's shoe" in March 1999) Award for the best off-field incident

This is perhaps the most coveted of the People's Choice Awards...or at least it once was. Off-field behaviour in the NRL has improved markedly in 2010, with a number of previous bad boys seemingly having turned their lives around (Carney, Bird, Friend etc.).

But there was a clear winner (or winners) of this award: Danny Wicks and Chris Houston (formerly of the Newcastle Knights). Why two well-paid rugby league players allegedly felt the need to run a major drug-dealing operation continues to boggle the mind. The game is probably better off without the portly Wicks, but for a player of Houston's ability to be out of the game indefinitely is a shame. (What is it about Newcastle? The clear runner-up for this award - Andrew Johns, for his drunken racist slur of Greg Inglis - but to be fair, Johns' transgressions were brought to light by fellow Novocastrian Timana Tahu. But in Tahu's case, this was about the only good thing he did all season).

Newcastle could have used Houston, Wicks and probably a few more big bodies as they took on the Storm yesterday. Newcastle had a great run to the end of the season, but after losing to the Dragons in a brave effort last week, taking on the Storm in the Storm's final cheating game was never going to be easy. Newcastle did well to stay close, but the Storm finished strongly to close the book on one of the more unusual seasons ever seen.

Speaking of Tahu, he's not left out when it comes to awards....

The Chris Walker Award for the Worst Off-Season Signing

The nominees are Adam Cuthbertson, Jason Cayless, Justin Poore and Tahu, and it's an easy win for Tahu. Tahu ticks all the boxes: expensive, inconsistent, disrupts a team's rhythm (from late 2009), preventing a youngster from coming through (the impressive Jonathon Wright looked very good in Tahu's absence) as well as perhaps the most stupid blow-up of 2010 (at Newcastle). Granted this came after his drama with Andrew Johns, but for this to affect his performance so much was thoroughly unprofessional.

Just quietly, it looks all but certain that Parramatta will retain this award next year thanks to their signings of has-beens Reni Maitua and Carl Webb.

Parramatta's poor finish to the season was confirmed as they were well beaten by the Warriors on Saturday night. Parramatta had a chance to send Nathan Cayless out of the game with a win, but it was lost due to a massive error count, mostly from exuberant offloads. The Warriors deserved their strong win and are a definite dark horse for the premiership.

The Cowbores would be doing cartwheels; not only did they get rid of Webb, but also Luke O'Donnell and Willie Mason! As a result, they are comfortable winners of the next award...

The Darren Senter "Addition By Subtraction" Award

This award is named after Wests Tigers stalwart and overly competitive but marginally talented loser Darren Senter, who retired from the Tigers in 2004 without having played a semi-final and watched on as his old team won the premiership in 2005. Previous winners of this award include Canterbury 2008 and the Roosters 2009 (who went on to enjoy great seasons after their purging). The Cowboys could benefit in a similar way, especially with the signing of great player and leader Brent Tate from the Warriors.

The Cowbores and Roosters met in Townsville on Saturday night to share a discussion on addition by subtraction....or maybe about memories of fixing games from late last season??? In a somewhat uninspiring game, the Roosters did enough to secure 6th spot with a 10-point win. Playing his final game for the Cowbores was (too) long-serving outside back Ty Williams; his retirement should also help the Cowbores.

It would have taken a brave - or stupid - player to try and undertake any sneaky gambling plays in the Cowbores - Roosters game....but the now much-discussed event from the Cowbores - Bulldogs game a few weeks back deserves recognition for its (probable) stupidity...

The Luke Carroll & Anthony Prince Dumb & Dumber Award

Carroll & Prince were young Australian men living in Vail, Colorado in 2005, when they decided to rob their local bank. Balaclavas may have hidden their appearance, but their distinctive Australian accents meant their identity was well known to employees of the bank and they were easily apprehended. Bulldogs forward Ryan Tandy looks likely to be similarly caught after his clumsy play at the start of the Cowbores Bulldogs game a few weeks ago coincided with a significant betting plunge on a penalty goal for Tandy's opposition to be the game's first scoring play.

Not helping Tandy's cause - apart from the lack of subtlety in the vision - was the reporting in the media last week of his friendship with former Sharks player and noting gambling fiend Michael Sullivan. The fact that Sullivan believes his mate's plea of innocence suggests guilt on the part of Tandy more than any piece of footage or any other potential incriminating evidence.

The possible last game in the NRL for Tandy was perhaps the best game of the weekend, as Canterbury overcame a desperate but rapidly deteriorating Manly side. Canterbury jumped to a 28-16 lead but Manly came back after Michael Ennis left the field due to a Steve Matai cheapshot. The game went down to the final play as Manly attacked, but the failure of Manly winger Michael Robertson to dive low for the corner meant he was easily shoved out of play by retiring Bulldogs fullback Luke Patten.

It was not a good weekend for Manly - or even former Manly players....

The Ali Lauitiiti Award for the Most Stupid Offload and The Adam Brown Award for the Most Useless Half or Five-Eighth in the NRL

Both of these awards were claimed by former Manly players in the Penrith v. Cronulla game on Saturday night. Cronulla's Adam Cuthbertson - who has been known to like an offload almost as much as a meat pie - ran the ball up late in the first half before catapulting the ball out the back about 15 metres and away from his team mates. Luckily, Penrith's Michael Jennings was on hand to clean up the mess and convert it into points. Cuthbertson is a perennial contender for this award - when he plays, that is - and is a well-deserved winner.

Jennings was likely mobbed by team mate Travis Burns after his try; celebrating tries is about the only good thing Burns does (apart from whingeing and starting fights). His inept play when forced into the halfback role on Monday night against the Bulldogs was hardly a surprise: why does Penrith persist with him?? If they don't want to play the soon-to-be-departing Wade Graham, then put Luke Lewis at 5/8th and someone else at lock. Burns is a clear winner of the Adam Brown (one of the last halves used by Manly before their merger with Norths in 1999) Award.

Cronulla had clearly played their grand final last week. Apart from a brilliant Nathan Gardner bomb-return try (his 2nd for the season), Cronulla had nothing. Penrith won easily, sealing 2nd place on the ladder.

Two awards were also given out at the Brisbane v. Canberra game on Friday night...

The Andrew Johns Can't-Win-Without-Them Award and The John Quayle Hanging-On-Too-Long Award

These awards both had clear winners: after his rib cartilage injury, Darren Lockyer (once again) proved his value to Brisbane as they looked almost incapable of scoring points without him. Despite his age and some emerging young talent, the Broncos are probably more reliant than ever on Lockyer (although maybe not at A Johns level from 2001-2005).

And with the next award, Terry Campese is a clear winner of the John Quayle Hanging-On-Too-Long Award. Many of you will know John Quayle from his administrative role with the ARL but few would remember or even have seen old footage of John Quayle from his playing days. A quick glance at this footage shows Quayle sporting the 70s 'Horse Shoe' hair do. In other words....he'd lost all his hair on top but hung on to what was left (as was the style at the time). Campese keeps a close cut around the sides, but is fighting (he has admitted this) a losing battle on top.

The big crowd for this game was left largely disappointed. It took Brisbane over an hour to get going and show some urgency in this game....and they almost won (although left it much too late to win by the necessary 15 points to jump above Canberra on the ladder) while Canberra showed signs of nervousness or more likely mental fatigue from their great run of wins lately. Canberra did enough to make the top 8 - an amazing achievement given their predicament 2 months ago - but another big game for them looks a bit of a reach.

Benji Marshall and the Tigers were once strong contenders for the Andrew Johns award but now Benji is a perennial contender for another award...

The Shaquille O'Neal Star-player-with-large-hole-in-his-game Award

NBA player Shaquille O'Neal was the most physically dominant in his league from the mid 1990s to the mid 2000s....but his free throw shooting was (and still is) awful. Similarly, Benji Marshall puts the fear of God into opposing defences with his sleight of hand, sidestepping ability and array of flick passes. But his goal-kicking ability is patchy at best - amongst the bottom few in the NRL for regular kickers.

Benji Marshall was given easy goal attempts on Friday night in the Tigers' game against the Gold Coast, so this can't be blamed for the Tigers' three-point loss. Instead, the Tigers threw away a good opportunity to finish second by inexplicable errors and a poor kicking game late in the second half after the tiring and beat-up Titans gave up a 13-point lead. For the Titans though, to secure an important win given injuries and their history was important....although they may have paid too big a price in wanting this win. Time will tell...

The best has been saved for last: the final People's Choice Award for 2010...

The Wayne Bennett Award for Coach of the Year

Not surprisingly, this goes to Wayne Bennett for taking the Dragons to a second consecutive minor premiership. After the Bulldogs helped out their neighbours by pushing Canberra into 7th position with their win over Manly, Wayne Bennett took the opportunity to rest a number of players with minor injuries and give chances to peripheral players to prove themselves. Not surprisingly, this worked wonderfully well (until Souths started playing properly in the second half anyway) and the Dragons won quite comfortably in the end.

That ends the awards ceremony and the tipping season. Thanks for your participation and see you in 2011.

4th Annual Tuesday Roast Team of the Year

FB: Preston Campbell
W: Manu Vatuvei and Akuila Uate
C: Chris Lawrence and Jamie Lyon
FE: Todd Carney
HB: Scott Prince
L: Micheal Luck
SR: Gareth Ellis and Nate Myles
P: Mick Weyman and Petero Civoniceva
H: Nathan Friend

Bench: Luke Lewis, Sam Thaiday, Keith Galloway and Josh Miller
18th Man: Dean Young
Coach Wayne Bennett

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Round 25: 20 to 1: NRL Edition (no, not the odds Ryan Tandy got for giving away a penalty, but the TV show)

Bert Newton: Hello and welcome to 20 to 1. This week, it's the top 20 players in the National Rugby League in season 2010. It's not well known, but I've long had an interest in Rugby League....although I must say, most of this has been of uninspiring quality - Don Lane introduced me to South Sydney back in the 60s.

At Number 20, it's a newcomer to the NRL who has done his bit on the entertainment and drama side - especially with me as he plays for South Sydney....

20. Sam Burgess (fresh reserve)

Vince Sorrenti: Yep, Sam Burgess, you know, a biiiiiiiiig forward, love his style. But I can't understand a word he says! And that's coming from a wog, the kings of broken English. I've not understood a word my dad's said in the last 30 years!

Brad Fittler: BIG SAMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh love him! Reminds me so much of Morley!

Sam Burgess: Oh eh oh y'know oh eh oh giv it a shot but oh ah eh oh eh oh ah.

BN: I couldn't agree more Sam! On to Number 19 and I want to be in that number.....

19. Dean Young (fresh reserve)

Karl Stefanovic: Big Deano, the Deanster....ummm...I've got nothing to say. They told me I had to be on this stupid show and I've got no idea who he is, sorry.

Peter Sterling: The Dragons have been the best team of the last two years without many star players. Obviously Wayne Bennett has been a big factor here, but it's the on-field leaders such as Dean Young who make the Dragons the great team that they are. Such a consistent player, so versatile and he is rarely noticed except when he doesn't play.

BN: I don't remember asking for anyone who knew what they were talking about on this show! Anyway, Number 18 and it's a golden star of the game still producing in his latter years...

18. Mat Rogers (fresh reserve)

Daniel McPherson: Yeh, gotta love the Rat you know? He's a Shire boy like me and even though he's with the Titans now, he's still going great.

Richard Wilkins: Rogers has to be one of my favourite players, because he looks older than me but is still relevant. Hey I can dream, can't I?

BN: So much to say to that, but so little time....On to number 17 and the first of the bench players. He's a frequent candidate for a concusssion given his hard running style, but luckily for him, his post-concussion brain scans reveal nothing...

17. Josh Miller (bench)

Barnaby Joyce: Josh Miller! What a nut job! I think he'd run into a concrete wall if asked to! Bloody crazy!

Peter Fitzsimons: Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla

BN: If only he was the real Peter Fitzsimons! Number 16 now, and this guy puts the BIG into BIG...

16. Keith Galloway (bench)

BF: BIG KEEFYYYYYYYYY! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh love him!

Mikey Robins: Yep, big Keith, a great player, reminds me a bit of me before I lost about 1000kg and most of my audience. Someone watch Good News Week please??

BN: Mikey, the secret is to do TV that costs nothing to do and assumes nothing of your audience. On to number 15, and you won't be able to tackle this guy without a good Thai....

15. Sam Thaiday (bench)

Deborah Mailman: What?! I so don't look like him!

Sam Backo: ....whereas I do. Killed it for much of the season but is sinking with the rest of the Broncos minus Captain Lockyer.

BN: Number 14 now and the best place to find a utility player is at the foot of the (Blue) mountains...

14. Luke Lewis (bench)

BF: BIG LUKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh love him! Penno boy and havin an awesome year!

Mark Geyer: One of my favourites players is Lukey, if I had to pick a team to represent the Solar System right now, he'd be captain/trainer/coach/CEO/all-round legend.

BN: And they say there's a drug problem in the AFL! Now we're into the starting team for 2010, number 13 didn't have much Luck at Brookvale last week, suffering a nasty cut, but has had a Lucky 2010...

13. Micheal Luck (lock)

Robbie Buck (ABC Radio): Luck sounds like a nice enough guy, so I definitely share his pain. Not from his bad cut last week, but in having a last name which rhymes with a swear word.

Michael Witt: It could be worse. Lucky's had a great year, captain and leader of the team. Apart from him though, they can all go to hell! We had such a good year in '08 and they sacked me.....

BN: What a 'wit! Number 12 now and this Tiger is an Ell of a player...

12. Gareth Ellis (second row)

SB: Oh eh oh ah eh oh he's my idol like ah oh eh oh eh ah oh main reason for coming over oh ah eh oh.

Tony Greig: Ellis the hord borsted, he's really made an impact in the lorst year and a horf. He never goes in horf horted, I'll tell you that!

BN: If only Jarrod Saffy made the list! On to number 11 and he would run 500 Myles if it meant chasing down a breakaway winger....

11. Nate Myles (second row)

BF: BIG NATEYYYYYYYYYYYY! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh love him! Sorry about getting you on the drink last year when you had the runs old mate, your great year this year has made that a distant memory!

Midget: Yeh he does look like an oversized version of me, you're right! Hahahaha

BN: Now we're on the lower half of the countdown and number 10, and this big man will always get his Wey...

10. Michael Weyman (prop)

Laurie Daley: Mick's had a 'uge year, 'e gits plenty of metres up the middle for the Dragons and I can't wait to pick 'im in my first NSW Origin side in 2011.

BN: I think we just lost several million viewers in NSW due to shock. Anyway, number 9 is a Friend in need for the Titans.

9. Nathan Friend (hooker)

PS: Why do I only talk about the less exciting players? Anyway, Friend has been a rock of consistency for the Gold Coast since their inception. Brilliant in defence and does enough with the ball to keep defences honest.

Barry Ward: An absolute little terrier is Friendy, but I love him coz he's the 5-time winner of Rugby League's ugliest man, eclipsing my 3-year stranglehold on the crown.

BN: Where's Anthony Mundine when you need him?? On to number 8 now and he's a real metre-eater and has been for over a decade...

8. Petero Civoniceva (prop)

Ita Buttrose: Civoniceva's all about success. It's that simple. He's simply stunning at winning, so successful and straightforward. What a sexy superstar!

MG: Can't believe Brisbane stupidly let this guy go in 2007. If they were picking a team of all-time legends, Petro definitely be on it.

BN: Now the money positions and Number 7 has been in Prince-ly form for the Gold Coast this year...

7. Scott Prince (halfback)

Paulini: Princey's one of my faves. He's been playing forever and still looks good - black don't crack hey?? Haha. Truthfully though, as long as any footy player's not named Naiqama, I'll like him.

BF: PRINCEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh love him! I love his pin-point accurate kicks and the way he looks umm.....lost my train of thought. WOOOOO!

BN: Now onto number 6 and plenty of people asked "Can he?" after his year in the wilderness but he told them "Carney"...

6. Todd Carney (five-eighth)

PS: Finally someone not boring! Carney's been a revelation this year, not in what's he doing, but in that he's disciplined enough to do it without the silly off-field stuff. Could very well cap it off with a Dally M medal.

Mitchell Pearce: Yeh Toddy's 'avin' a great year ay, me and him play off each uvva so well, is just garn great ay.

BN: Ummm...surely he doesn't always talk like that....does he? Number 5 now and Uate know better if you're thinking of stopping this guy...

5. Akuila Uate (wing)

Andrew Johns: Awesome player but also awesome athlete, I mean he has a backside you could sit a drink on!

BN: Ummm....ok.....why did we keep this immoral brother and get rid of the other immoral brother? On to number 4 and he'll cross the Lyon with ease...

4. Jamie Lyon (centre)

Paul Vautin: Go Menly! He's pretty much carried Manly on his back this year, scored about 1000 tries and kicks goals at about 1000000% success rate!

SB: Oh ah eh oh St Helens oh ah eh oh oh ah oh eh Man of Steel oh ah eh oh.

BN: The countdown moves to number 3 now but you wouldn't know it if we didn't tell you. Introducing "Rowdy"...

3. Chris Lawrence (centre)

Matthew Johns: Love the Tigers and love Tim Sheens' set plays, many of which are run for Chris Lawrence, maybe the quickest player in the game. Rowdy, you're on my show a bit, tell me about your 2010.

Chris Lawrence: Um yeh.... it's been ok.

Benji Marshall: Can't shut him up eh bro?

BN: Two to go and introducing....the Beast

2. Manu Vatuvei (wing)

Megan Gale: Two to go, surely I can win the award for most obscure celebrity commenter?? But yeh, big Manu, he's a sight to behold when he gets going!

PS: That's right Megan, possibly the hardest player in the game to tackle since the Tigers' Tuiaki suffered injury. But most importantly, his hands have improved significantly from a few years ago.

BN: Number one now and one of the most popular players in the NRL, hey Presto here he is!

1. Preston Campbell (fullback)

MG: Presto, what a player, so small yet keeps going in hard. If there was a team of small guys named Preston, he'd definitely be in it.

Ernie Dingo: I just love the fact that Presto sounds a lot like my almost pretend Aboriginal voice, it's definitely extended my career. Oh, do I count as more obscure than Megan??

BN: Sorry Ernie, but sorry Megan, the winner is Ita Buttrose. See you next week.

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Round 24: Live from the NRL Tally Room in Canberra

Kerry O'Brien: Hello and welcome to the NRL Tally Room in Canberra for what promises to be an extremely engrossing night of viewing. Whereas previous election nights only focussed on a handful of key seats with the outcome in the remainder known well in advance, on this night, a close contest is expected in most seats, with a number of underdogs threatening to steal victory. As usual, I'm joined by the ABC's Election Analyst Antony Green, and Antony, how's the computer predictions looking thus far?

Antony Green: Well Kerry, there has been somewhat of a swing towards the sitting members in Penrith and Townsville, but not much else to report at this early stage. This is of course, hardly surprising, as we've received less than 5% of the vote so far, mostly from the outer booths at the north end of CUA Stadium. To borrow a Rugby League metaphor, we're only a few minutes into the contest, with a good 75 minutes still to play.

KO'B: Thanks Antony, now let's welcome our more interesting guests for tonight: left-wing and right-wing stooge. Welcome gents.

Left Wing Stooge: Thanks Kerry and it's looking good in Penrith! My information is that our lead out there has extended further! So much so that I'm almost calling that seat for us!

AG: I wouldn't be quite so confident at this stage....hang on, I can confirm the information from left-wing stooge and can also confirm another very strong result. Approaching 25% of the vote counted, this seat can almost be given back to the sitting member for Penrith.

Right Wing Stooge: Let's not count our chickens yet, Kerry, the pre-poll and postal votes out Penrith way would probably favour us, but on to other matters and we're looking very good in Townsville! The big-name candidate for Townsville recently of south-western Sydney might have thought he was a chance in this tight seat but it's a big lead for us early on!

AG: History tells us the early booth results from Townsville are notoriously poor predictors of the final outcome, I'm not sure why this is the case, but I won't be calling anything here for a while.

KO'B: Let's move on to some of the key seats and firstly Newcastle.

AG: This has long been a left-wing stronghold despite the poor quality of candidate since the retirement of the very successful sitting member in 2007. Internal fighting and criminal charges threatened to take this seat away from the left in recent months, but a late turnaround in fortunes for the left has seen their polling results improve markedly in recent weeks. The big-name right candidate, who grew up in Brisbane, is under real pressure here.

RWS: I'm not sure about that Antony, I've heard we've started well in early polling and my scrutineers tell me there was a significant officiating error but it was dismissed. We might here more about that later. Anyway, we're on top in early polling.

AG: I can confirm this, with about 25% of the vote counted, the candidate from Brisbane is favoured to win from here, according to the computer prediction.

LWS: We won't give up Newcastle without a fight, this is a loyal community, I'm confident they'll stick with the local.

RWS: Didn't you hear Antony? I think you've got too much pink batts stuck in your ears...

KO'B: And now onto another key western Sydney seat and Parramatta, where the popular sitting member is backed to retain his seat but is at risk after a difficult campaign riddled with very public whispers of in-fighting. His opponent is also popular, also leans to the left (despite representing a merged entity) and has taken on the sitting member in numerous contests over the years but almost never comes close to a victory.

AG: This is true, Kerry, but recent polling suggests the sitting member is at risk. One wonders why he didn't decide on staging the election at night and hence denying the merged opponent his preferred timeslot. Early booths suggest this seat is still too close to call, although our exit poll suggests it would not be a surprise to see the challenger take an early lead.

LWS: This is my information Antony, the local member could be in trouble here.

KO'B: Now the seat of Canberra, where the local left-wing member has seen better days but has an uncanny record of success against challengers from the far-right Red V Party. Red V has enjoyed a very successful last few years, but ultimate success continues to elude them and of course, they've not had a win in Canberra since 2000. Antony, how is it looking?

AG: Well the computer is predicting a Red V win, only a fairly small swing is required and the widespread support for Red V could very well deliver this. My early information is that Red V has infact taken a lead and with counting nearing 50%, has maintained this edge, despite pressure from the local member. Maybe a drought-breaker here Kerry?

LWS: Hahaha we're very confident here, we'll finish strong, our recent momentum should mean the pre-polls and postals are favouring us, I'd be surprised if we lost this one.

RWS: I'd love to argue this, but I've been burned too many times calling Canberra for us. Anyway, on to better news, and some right-wing strongholds: we're looking solid in Manly and Bondi against some tough opposition in the early going.

AG: Yes, the computer has you guys predicted to get up in these right-wing seats, but the early results are somewhat unexpected: the Polynesian candidate for Manly surprised in all the pre-surveys and is holding his own here, while the Party Party Party candidate for Bondi (formerly of the Gold Coast) is also faring well, it's roughly neck-and-neck approaching 50% of the vote counted in Bondi.

LWS: That's a great showing there by those two candidates in tough-to-win seats. I thought they both ran excellent campaigns.

KO'B: Back to Newcastle, and Antony, I understand there's been some developments there.

AG: Certainly has, with 65% of the vote counted now, the local member has pulled well in front and I can't see him losing from here. A massive swing of over 10% when only about 2% was needed. However, the merged candidate has pulled further in front in Parramatta, important to note here the local member's margin was diminished after the redistribution and computer is now predicting a merged victory.

RWS: Good to hear, I also hear we're slowly getting control in Manly in a real arm-wrestle, while the member in Townsville has a strong lead also.

LWS: Here we come in Canberra, back in front according to my sources, I don't know how Red V will come back from here, while the local Penrith member is on the way to a huge victory! Throw in the Party Party Party candidate now in the lead in Bondi and it's a great night for the left-wing of Australian politics!

KO'B: I'm not supposed to be happy about this, but on the inside I'm doing cartwheels! Let's summarise for the night, Antony, a wrap-up please.

AG: Ok, as was said, a huge swing and an easy win for the local members in Penrith and Newcastle, it looks like the member for Manly will hold on although this outcome probably won't be confirmed until the pre-poll and postal votes are counted, an easy win for the local member in Melbourne....I've just heard the Townsville member has shockingly fallen behind, proving again the fallibility of relying on the early booth results, that one will probably go down to the wire.....the Red V looks like recording another solid defeat in Canberra, while it's a surprise defeat for the member for Bondi and........the member for Parramatta has had a late surge of support, but NO! Two votes which would have seen them retain the seat have been deemed informal!

KO'B: On that note, it's good night from Canberra.

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Round 23: Get Me 1 Good Stat from each game...STAT!

On Friday night, the winning runs of two of the NRL's better teams came to an end...

Parramatta was not at their best, but an excellent game from soon-to-be-ex-Eel Feleti Mateo, another strong game from Jarryd Hayne and a solid debut capped off by a late try from Anthony Mitchell was enough to get them home over the Broncos. Brisbane missed Darren Lockyer, but possibly also suffered delayed effects from the tough game against the Dragons and tricky Cowboys game from recent weeks.

STAT!: Friday the 13th has not always been so unlucky for Brisbane and the Roosters. Brisbane had a 3 win, 2 loss record in their 5 previous Friday 13th games, winning all 3 at 'home' (one loss came against the Titans at Suncorp, but this was a Titans home game). Meanwhile, the Roosters had never lost on Friday 13th, winning all 4 games. However, these had all been home games. For Cronulla, their win was a (small) measure of revenge against the Roosters for a Friday 13th loss in week 1 of the finals in 2002. For Parramatta, this was only their second Friday 13th game after winning at Penrith in 2007. Avid followers of NRL scheduling will watch for which teams are drawn to play on Friday 13th May 2011...

On Saturday night, the Gold Coast looked to be doing it easy against an understrength Cowbores, before the Cowbores shockingly struck back with 3 tries in 10 minutes. Ultimately, the Gold Coast won well but it wasn't as easy as it might have been. In Sydney, the understrength Bulldogs somewhat surprisingly reached a 14-6 lead against a Canberra side which looked far better on paper but had to overcome the obstacle of backing up from Monday night. A mounting Bulldogs injury count and strong play from the Raiders saw them come back strongly and record an impressive win.

STAT!: Steve Michaels played only his 4th game for the Titans after switching teams mid-season from the Broncos, but at the risk of reaching a premature conclusion, Michaels has transformed his game significantly. In 59 games for the Broncos between 2005 and 2010, Michaels scored 22 tries and enjoyed a win-loss percentage of just above 50%. In his 4 games with the Titans, he has scored 4 tries and the team won all 4 games (after losing their previous 3 games). But his renewed career can't be expressed in tries and wins. Michaels was a defensive blubbering mess in his final days with the Broncos, routinely being abused by even medicore right-sided attacking players. Now...he is a defensive hitman and is playing a key role in a team which was searching for defensive intensity and guys to play centre competently. He might not yet be 'buy of the year' but he is probably great value for money for the Titans.

For Canberra, this was their 5th away win of the season: only the third time they have passed 4 away wins in a season since 1999. Usually, whenever a Canberra team wins close to half its games away from home, they're a lock to play in September, but their scratchy home form (just 5 wins and 5 losses; their equal 3rd worst home record after 10 games in their history) means they probably need to win each game until the end of the minor premiership. Lucky for them they play the Dragons this weekend...

On Sunday, the Warriors got a much better game from Newcastle than they were expecting but the Warriors did just enough - thanks to a bit of help from some dubious refereeing decisions and a lucky bounce late in the game - to get away with the win. Next up, Melbourne gave another brief reminder of better days as they looked on track to soundly defeat Souths, but the resilient Rabbitohs almost made it two huge comebacks in a row. The tired Storm held on for the win. Finally, Wests bounced back nicely from their embarrassing play of recent weeks to dominate Penrith in the forwards - a rare feat - and win comfortably.

STAT!: New Zealand's Manu Vatuvei continued his great run of form with 3 tries. He now has 11 tries in his last 9 games and 10 tries in his 10 career games against Newcastle. Melbourne continued their pattern of home wins and away losses since news of their salary cap breaches: they have won their last four games in Melbourne and lost their last 5 away from Melbourne. For the Wests Tigers five-eighth Benji Marshall, Sunday's game was his first success against Penrith after 7 losses. This game was also Benji's 37th consecutive NRL game - a noteworthy achievement for a player who has suffered so much injury.

Finally last night, the Dragons were clinical in their 32-10 defeat of Manly. Manly enjoyed some good field position but their limited attack and some excellent Dragons defence made it difficult for them to cross the line. Meanwhile, Manly errors meant the Dragons scored much too easily.

STAT!: Despite suspicions of Mark Gasnier's try not being legitimate due to the bouncing of the ball just before the line, under-fire referee Bill Harrigan has assured the Tuesday Roast this was the correct decision. Hence, the stat from this game is Bill Harrigan's self-confessed error count over the course of his career - zero.

See you next week.

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