Round 3: The Annual Limerick Roast (or A More Popular Irish Bailout)

In a week where self-confessed weak swimmer — but born-again religious man — Jarryd Hayne rescued overwhelmed Irish backpacker Christina Caffrey from rough surf at Coogee dominated the rugby league headlines, it seems appropriate that this week’s Roast should be in limerick form…

Parramatta v. South Sydney

There once was a young man named Hayne
Who rescues chicks and teams by Plane
But faced with Souths’ pack
And their sinister attack
All Hayne could do was apportion blame

It was a relatively easy and overdue win for Souths on Friday night, led by their left-side attack of Dave Taylor, Greg Inglis and others. Hayne might have rescued one person from tough conditions last Wednesday, but his task on Friday night, while on the more familiar landscape of a rugby league field, was much more difficult. Given the task of defending Souths’ representative left-side attack was middle-of-the-road talent Ben Smith and two inexperienced players in Morgan and Uaisele. It took a little while, but Souths took full advantage here; left winger Fetuli Talanoa benefited from the inside dominance to record two tries, but Taylor and Inglis deservedly received the post-match praise.

Hayne has never been much good at covering the mistakes of others from fullback and had next to no chance on Friday night. However, his post match comments were directed at the referees, who disallowed two tries when the scoreboard still said nil-all and who Hayne accused of allowing the second half to start before the Eels were ready, which contributed to a mistake from the kick-off by Smith and then to a try by Talanoa. Hayne might have had a point, but it was difficult not to see Souths winning this game even if Parramatta was first to score.

Souths’ win was even more impressive given the loss of Issac Luke to concussion midway through the game. Veteran Mick Crocker moved into the unfamiliar role of dummy half and had an excellent game, capping his performance with a somewhat fortunate but exciting late try. One of the starting second rowers in the Tuesday Roast Team of the 2000s, Crocker lost much of the last two seasons to injury but might be capable of one last strong season before retirement.

This win continued Crocker’s remarkable run of success against Parramatta; he has not lost to Parramatta in his last 11 games and his only two losses to them came in the 2001 season.

Gold Coast v. Brisbane

There once was a young man named Friend
On whose intensity the Titans depend
They came close in Round Three
But fell short due to Hodgy
Their season is nearing a dead end

After starting the season with 2 losses, the Gold Coast Titans desperately needed to get their season going against Brisbane on Friday night. They were strengthened by the return of a number of good players from injury, including Laffranchi and Meyers, but they remained lacking from the dummy half position without the underrated Nathan Friend. They took the lead, but their attack never looked too likely to extend this lead into double figures and eventually Brisbane wore the Titans down. Long-time absentee Justin Hodges unleashed his trademark right-foot sidestep — perhaps not quite as crisply as he once did — to cut through the defence for the match-winning try.

Much has been made of the older Gold Coast Titans line-up, but they would be much better served with a few key players back in their team: Friend and the recently retired Mat Rogers. Gold Coast has yet to find a replacement for him at five-eighth and look likely to be missing his output for some time to come.

Penrith v. Cronulla

There once was a team from the Shire
Who rarely emerged from the financial mire
But they could do no wrong
Against a team of nongs
The Shire boys were on fire

This looked to be a good contest, as both teams came in on the back of strong wins. Many expected Cronulla to experience some sort of letdown after the high of beating local rival St George Illawarra, but the Sharks instead gave us some of the best and most entertaining action seen in the NRL so far this season as they demolished Penrith.

Penrith looked to have moved on from their incredibly disappointing Round 1 effort against Newcastle with a professional win over Parramatta last week, but whether it was complacency, injuries or sheer forgetfulness, something caused them to produce a near perfect replica of their Newcastle performance in this game. Their new signing Timana Tahu could be forgiven a lack of match fitness but not for some dumb plays and seemingly no knowledge about the rules crackdown.

Cronulla exploited his Tahu’s rust brilliantly, but the best part of their game, especially in the first half, was their willingness to spread and promote the ball in attack. Normally, they are amongst the leaders in the NRL in handling errors and low completion rate, but their first half contained an incredible 18 offloads and a 90 per cent completion rate. Amazing.

Wests Tigers v. Canberra

There once was a young man named Marshall
Who never lost to those from the national capital
He deceived and dissected at pivot
Despite taking a massive divot
He was infinity times better than Matt Awful

The other Saturday game saw the Tigers quite easily account for Canberra, where the Benji Marshall highlight reel lasted minutes. Canberra’s defence tried hard but had little chance against a quick-stepping, bullet-passing five-eighth in combination with a deep and fast-moving attack. A botched goal kick attempt gave the Haterz something to laugh at, but this was merely the mole on Cindy Crawford.

For Canberra, Blake Ferguson scored three tries to continue the fine family tradition of haunting teams named the Tigers, but apart from his individual brilliance, Canberra never looked likely. This is what happens when you have a halfback — Matt Awful — who missed out on selection for Australia’s Paralympic Rugby League Team.

New Zealand v. St George Illawarra

The Dragons suffered plenty of pain
Against Cronulla, after travel and in the rain
Despite being men down
They made those into clowns
Who expected two losses for Wayne

This was yet another away game for the Dragons — that GST guy must be accumulating some massive Frequent Flyer miles, just quietly — but most importantly, the Dragons’ pack appeared to be much weaker without Michael Weyman and Ben Creagh. Their opponents, the Warriors, have long been known as having one of the better forward packs in the competition and, given the template provided by Cronulla last Monday night, surely a fired-up Warriors’ pack would put all they had into a major effort?

Instead, this game was all about the Dragons and their inspired effort. They had the better of the Warriors’ forwards and had the game won by half-time thanks to two excellent tries by Jason Nightingale. After half time, the Warriors closed the gap, but only after the Dragons got bored of practicing their defence.

The Dragons would have been very happy with their effort but also that they registered a win without Weyman: in his two-plus years with the Dragons, their record without him was just 6-6. However, surely the Warriors are more distressed at their record minus Manu Vatuvei: just one win in the last 13 games he hasn’t played.

Canterbury v. Sydney Roosters

These major rivals met in the rain
Still, it was an entertaining game
The Chooks threatened to crow
But it was the Dogs who went 3-0
Thanks to that superstar….Corey Payne?!?!

These teams met in Round 3 2010, where each team’s form was opposite to what it was leading into this game. The struggling Bulldogs broke out to thrash the high-flying Roosters in 2010, so many expected a win for the struggling Roosters and an end to the Bulldogs’ strong start. An entertaining but see-sawing game looked, at times, like providing this outcome, but also another strong Bulldogs win and a close finish at different times.

In the end, the humid conditions, a physical battle and the Roosters receiving an injury after having made their final interchange meant both teams were exhausted at 80 minutes. Somehow, Rooster Kane Linnett had the energy to lift his head from the bound scrum structure, which saw the final few seconds run off the clock and the Bulldogs hang on for the win, but both teams would have been encouraged by this effort.

Incredibly the difference in the game was probably Corey Payne. Payne is little more than an average back-rower (he does have a university degree, but this can be a hindrance more than an asset) but he unveiled a quite nice offload ability in this game, setting up two tries and one long break downfield.

Manly v. Newcastle

Sunday saw the return to Brookvale
Of the Snake and the other Silvertails
Snake was strong in attack
But it was the ferocious Manly pack
Who sent Newcastle back home to ail

After their incredible effort last week against the Roosters, one had to wonder if Manly could produce anything near a repeat in their first home game of the season against Newcastle. However, Newcastle was probably also due for a defeat; there was no ‘bounce back’ in this game, only two potential ‘due for a loss’ scenarios.

Newcastle started well, but Manly was more than capable of producing very physical play again this week and got on top here. Not just on the scoreboard, but on the benches. Quite legitimately, Manly took FIVE Newcastle players out of the game, one of which had to return to the game in a concussed state.

Not surprisingly, the game lost much of its edge in the second half. Newcastle continued to try hard but was a shell of its best, with so many players out of position, while Manly had little motivation to continue with the physicality and, with an eye on the draw (they play again on Friday night), eased off and coasted to the win.

North Queensland v. Melbourne

There once was a disgusting man named Feral
Who at times can play brilliantly well
He dissected the Storm
This is far from the norm
But the media reaction left many feeling unwell

Melbourne had escaped the ‘bounce back’/upset craze of the first few rounds….until last night that is. While they lost much of their squad in order to bring their salary down to a legal level, and could perhaps be forgiven for not exhibiting the famous Melbourne consistency ALL the time, the shoddy, disjointed performance they displayed last night was most un-Melbourne-like.

However, they had three major factors against them: the weather (which more often than not seems to help the underdogs), a motivated Cowbores team and some significant injuries (which prevented Melbourne from stopping a Cowbores onslaught in the latter part of this game).

The Cowbores led 10-6 at half time; it probably should have been a much greater lead, although Melbourne, in a rare first-half attack, should have had another try. But the score blew out in the second half as the injury-hit Storm were picked apart by Feral Thurston. He might be a disgusting human being who can frighten women and children merely by being in the same room as them, but his instinctive attacking abilities (on the rugby league field, not at Coffs Harbour) and ability to evaluate in an instant when his team has an overlap are unmatched in today’s game of programmed halfbacks and playmakers.

It was fair enough for the commentators to heap praise on Feral Thurston, the Cowbores’ forwards (led by former Storm player Dallas Johnson) and coach Neil Henry’s looooooooong overdue selection of talented rookies Fai Fai Loa, Segeyaro and Tariq Sims to cut more of the dead wood out (e.g. Michael Bani), but as always, the commentators were in ecstasy over ‘Little Matty Bowen’ (is this his actual name? You’d be forgiven for thinking so) and Ashley Graham and their ‘efforts’.

Bowen and Graham do little in a game apart from benefit from the brilliance of others. Bowen wouldn’t be among the top 10 fullbacks in the game, he goes missing for weeks at a time and is not at the athlete or playmaker most teams now want at fullback, but you wouldn’t know it judging by the media hype. Meanwhile, Graham is, quite simply, a cat, someone who shies away from physical contact and celebrates like it’s New Years Eve whenever he falls across the line thanks to some Feral Thurston brilliance.

The north Queensland region suffers more than most with natural disasters, this is true, but do we really need such sycophantic toadying and hyperbole to be liberally splashed over the Cowbores and these two mildly entertaining players whenever they breathe to make up for this bad luck??

See you next week.