Round 6: Life in the NRL (guest hosted by Sir David Attenborough)

"Nothing was said, he's just a grub," Hindmarsh said. "He got under my skin and I retaliated, which I shouldn't have. I just lost my cool and I'm disappointed with that because I've been niggled by better."

In a week where the animalistic tendencies of some prominent players were exhibited, let’s take a closer look at this side of the NRL with special guest host Sir David Attenborough:

“In all my time observing the wonders of the animal kingdom, I have rarely come across an ecosystem as diverse as the NRL. This is especially so given the NRL’s relatively limited cross-pollination with other elements of the General or even Sport population.

Much of this diversity comes from the quite transient nature of many species. Some species can travel many hundreds of kilometres and become part of a number of a sub-cultures during their life. One such example, the common grub (Grubbius Ennis), in its latest incantation, spent its adolescent years in the Hunter Valley, before a rather nomadic journey saw it meander to the Illawarra, as far north as Brisbane before returning nearer to its roots in Sydney.

The common grub is a rather unsavoury creature, although their rough upbringing and advancing hairline can explain their strong competitive streak and ability to unsettle even the most mild-mannered counterparts.

(Whispers) I’m here on the sidelines at ANZ Stadium, and if we listen carefully, we can here the grub giving his mild-mannered opponent continued insults, despite they both being under discipline. It is little wonder the grub is so disliked, even though he rarely displays behaviour one would describe as nasty.”

The first game of the round was turned on its head after Hindmarsh followed team-mate Jarryd Hayne to the sin-bin. What was a comfortable Parramatta lead turned into a comfortable Bulldogs’ win. Ennis succeeded where few have in throwing Hindmarsh off his game, but it was the efforts of Barba and Idris which put many points on the board for the Bulldogs.

“In contrast to those such as the grub, there are a number of creatures not endowed with similar competitive qualities or even energy – unless there are optimal conditions, that is. One such example is the sloth (Slothius Princes). I’m here on Queensland’s Gold Coast, where the climate varies between warm and mild and also where much of Australia comes for a holiday and to enjoy itself.

Hence, it is not surprising that we should encounter the sloth in this sort of environment. The particular sloth we are investigating closely today shares the nomadic tendency of the grub, however, it is the sloth’s desire for comfort but mostly complicity with the female sloth’s wishes which determines where it will be most abundant.

As the sloth ages, it will still often retain much of its appearance, although its output and productivity will taper off noticeably. However, in this instance, perhaps because it knows our cameras are watching, but probably because many of its much harder working associates have had a successful day, the sloth is performing well.”

After a woeful start, the Titans somehow stayed in their game with the Wests Tigers and took the lead late on for an important win. Scott Prince scored a key try to tie the game, but it was Minichiello who scored the winner inside the final two minutes.

“Sydney’s northern beaches remain relatively isolated much of the rest of Sydney, but this is what can make them so interesting to study. There is the leader of the tribe, with a penchant for violence (especially destroying entrances) but who possesses stunning, thick hair, despite advancing age. Then an incredible example of Neanderthal Man, known to locals as Watmong. Watmong’s physical attributes mean his survival is not under threat, despite his lack of evolution, and he is rarely bested in competition, although his complete lack of social skills means he is an embarrassment when removed from his natural habitat.

Finally, there is the common New Zealand cat (Felus Mataii). Despite having been on Sydney’s northern beaches for some time, one wonders how he survives. He is frequently aggressive, usually excessively so, often when those who he is targeting are caught by surprise. His social association with Watmong means he has a number of enemies, while he is often temporarily injured, which suggests he is still acclimatising.”

Sadly – for the purposes of this week’s Roast – Steve Matai didn’t have much of an impact on Manly’s performance against the New Zealand Warriors, especially from a disciplinary standpoint. However Matai was part of Manly’s left-side attack which won the game for them with an excellent performance, mostly in the second 20 minutes of the first half.

“We move on now to the eastern suburbs of Sydney, where it is often seen that many of its inhabitants are prone to losing focus from tasks which put food on the table and engaging in rampant socialising, often to the detriment of others.

It is often seen that those species which move from their native areas to the eastern suburbs are most at risk of falling victim to this lifestyle, especially those native to, or even recently from, the very warm northern parts of Queensland.

A common species to all instances of distraction is the flea (Fleaus Pearceus). Like others, the flea is not a native of the eastern suburbs area, but he has been in the area since 2007 after relocating from Sydney’s upper north shore. What is amazing about the flea, but so frustrating for those wishing to utilise the talents of those new to the area, is that he is quite talented at what he does best, but spends much of his time and energy negatively influencing others or generally annoying species unlucky enough to come across this group in social situations.

(Whispers) Looking at this film closely, we can see that despite being rather small, the flea is still able to throw ice. One of the flea’s liabilities, however, is the frequent misjudging of the humorousness of such a situation. The flea has been known to find humour in this several hours after the first instance. Not surprisingly, these are times which can lead to fatal situations for his friends.”

Mitchell Pearce has not yet been reported as having any involvement in the downward spiral of team-mates Todd Carney or Anthony Watts, but his form, like theirs, has suffered markedly in 2011. Pearce received a lesson in directing a game in wet weather from Brisbane’s Darren Lockyer, who looked a long way from retirement in steering the Broncos to an easy win. The annual ANZAC Day clash could not have come at a worse time for the struggling Roosters.

“I recently alluded to the northern parts of Queensland; the dominant species in this area is the feral pig (Pigus Feralius Thurstonius). The feral pig thrives in this area and has done so for many years. Despite a hideous appearance (some have described as a cross between a horse, an elephant, a hyena and a feral pig), he enjoys the run of the area, with locals allowing him to frequently satisfy the most basic of urges.

Amazingly, however, this god-like status has not seen him grow fat and corrupt with power – except when needing to overcome disciplinary problems (often related to these basic urges). Like the flea, he has been known to find humour in annoying others long after everyone else has stopped laughing, but the pig prefers to ‘flick’ beer on others, rather than throw ice.

However, his hyena-like qualities – speed, intelligence and laughing – are probably what keep him from surrendering completely to worship and veneration from locals. This is a strange species, but one which is extremely accomplished at what it does best.”

The Cowbores won their second match in a row for the first time since mid 2009 on Saturday night, with Feral Thurston playing a key role in taking his team out to a match-winning lead in the first half. Canberra did well to come back, helped considerably without the handicap of playing with Matt Awful, but the Cowbores held on for a solid win.

“Now we come to one of the most violent, one of the narkiest species known to exist in the NRL today: the common dog (Canus Gallenus). The dog is quite loyal and can be extremely productive, but if angered sufficiently or even put under enough competitive pressure, it can respond with actions which shock long-time observers of the animal kingdom.

He has been known to prominently attack the most sensitive area of male combatants, make use of his head as an attacking weapon, insult a combatant based on his racial heritage and even attack the previously cut (and stitched) area of an opponent. Much like Watmong, his lack of social skills has also received attention.

(Whispers) Some have believed that the dog has mellowed somewhat, as he is getting on in years, but if we watch closely, we see the dog returning to old habits in competition, as he steps on the vulnerable hand of an opponent. Watch again….he pretends to look the other way, but his past suggests he knows exactly what he is doing. Not long after, he attacks another opponent in the throat.

It is little wonder the dog is so disliked by many within the NRL kingdom.”

Incredibly, Gallen’s disgusting behaviour in Cronulla’s match against Newcastle on Sunday received relatively little media attention. Instead, Cronulla’s brave comeback was the story, with poor Nathan Gardener, who didn’t receive a penalty despite being knocked over after kicking the ball through, at the centre of this sympathetic angle. It was a nice story, but if the referees had have been watching just before Gardener’s tumble, Cronulla would have lost possession, as Gallen would have been penalised for attacking the throat of Naiqama.

“Next, we examine one of the foxes of Melbourne (Foxus Slaterus). This fox has evolved significantly, cunningly adapting extremely well to his environment and developing numerous skills to aid in his ability to survive and thrive. Unlike many foxes, this one is also quite easy on the eye, which influences the ability of many to judge him for sometimes-nasty competitive tactics or flat-out cheating.”

The Melbourne Foxes – that has a nice ring to it. Penrith gave them a good game on Sunday, but they are nowhere near the cohesive unit which Melbourne is, even in their still “weakened” state. Melbourne won quite comfortably in the end.

“Lastly, we come to the weasel of Maroubra (Weaselus Suttonus). The weasel is known to congregate in large groups and to be boisterous and confident when things are going well or a vulnerable opponent is in the vicinity. However, when an opponent shows signs of competition or things are more difficult than expected, the weasel will disappear, often for weeks at a time. The weasel will still often appear in physical form, but most often, it is discovered this is an impostor taking his place.

At times, somewhat counter-intuitively, the weasel will appear in a difficult situation and even thrive. These are times when the weasel shows rare bravery in the face of almost insurmountable difficulty. However, these times rarely last long and the usual disappointment associated with the weasel returns not long after.”

For some reason, Souths often give the much more consistent and well-drilled Dragons a very good game (especially when the Dragons are at full strength) and this was the case again last night. John Sutton was one of Souths’ best (which probably means he won’t play well again until June; this is known as the ‘Ben Rogers ratio’ in NRL circles) but, as has happened in Souths’ games in recent years, a very solid 60 or so minutes cannot be maintained. In the end, it was one of the better games of the season so far, but the Dragons were worthy winners.

Some other animals in the NRL kingdom:

Jarryd Hayne – snake
Robbie Farah – rat
Feleti Mateo – peacock
Justin Hodges – goose
Matt Awful – dodo
Adam MacDougall – tortoise
Timana Tahu – leech
Ben Creagh – chicken and a bonus animal…
Chris Sandow – gnat

See you in a few weeks.