Round 5: Welcome to the Whingeing Pom

In this week’s Roast, respect is paid to the English contribution to our game. Rugby League was born in England just over 100 years ago and it lives on there today. Despite the Super League in the UK being played at a generally lower and less intense standard than the NRL, most English teams enjoy a more loyal and passionate supporter following than their Australian counterparts.

As a tribute to this passion, let’s give a generous Aussie welcome to the newest Tuesday Roast correspondent simply known as Whingeing Pom. I met up with Whingeing Pom at the Oaks in Neutral Bay to dissect the Round 5 NRL action. So sit back, relax, lie back and think of England and enjoy.
“So Pommy, it was another interesting round of NRL over the weekend, although I sense you were not entirely happy with everything that went on?”

“Ohhh you’re not kidding there laddy! I dunno what it is about the NRL but it makes me right peed off, week in and week out like! For starters, that bloomin ol’ geezer Ray Warren. I know he’s an institution down under but bloomin heck, there’s no need to be giving away the score of the delayed game while the live game’s still showin!”

“But he didn’t say the score, Pommy, all he said was that the Gold Coast v Melbourne game was going to be a nail-biter. Nothing wrong with that is there?”

“Don’t be daft laddy! Only a nutter wouldn’t know based on that sorta comment that one team jumps out to a big lead only for the other team to coom baak strong-le! Although I must admit to aving a bit of a kip in the late going of the Dragons Broncos game as the Dragons cruised to the win, I guess I can oonderstand what e was doing like, tryin to men-ten interest. Boot still, very bloomin annoyin especially as I had a tenner on the Storm to win by 13 ploos into the Warriors and Raiders. I tell you, they urd me cursin’ ‘a’f a block away last night when Canberra got the win!”

“I feel your pain, Pommy, it could only have gotten worse when you saw the unlikely nature of the Melbourne loss?”

“Ohhhhh too right son, bloomin eck, if sum git told me the Storm would lead by 12 at half-time and go on to lose, I’d inquire if they’d taken a massive blow to the bollocks you know? And not just a blown lead, but that taam-wasting penalty: I must have missed the Olympic swimming watch that was showing in the stadium there like to tell everyone when those 40 blinking seconds were up! What a bloomin farce that was!”

“Alright mate, calm down. Souths and Newcastle, now there was a game which went pretty much as expected, a strong win for Souths. Isaac Luke with another great game. You can’t have had too many problems this game, old mate?”

“You know what son? I had to listen to most of this game on the radio. The plan was to meet oop at Jim’s place at Pymble, get a few chip butties and pints into us then watch the game. Bugger me tho if it doesn’t make an hour and a ‘a’f to get there from Cammeray tho! Jim told me it only takes 45 to an hour, bloomin blagger e is. I still erd the first 20 minutes on the radio, but you know it’s just not the same innit? Happy for Souths and yung Burgess like but that bloomin traffic…”

“Never mind, Pommy, you didn’t miss all that much. There was plenty of action in the late Saturday games, the exciting Tigers and Warriors both getting up for good wins.”

“Well you know, I was confident about the Cowboys’ chances (joost quiet-le, I still feel a bit uncomfortable tipping the Cowboys tho, sounds like a bit of a…you know…doe-noe if I should say this….a boom bandit name if you ask me) but of course they went out the window when Thurston got urt. Still, it’s surprisin how many teams play better – and how many teams let their guard down – when a big-name player gets urt, I thought the Cowboys still ad a shot like. But then that absolute blooming git O’Donnell threw the game away for them. What an absolute bloomin twat he was! He’s supposed to be an experienced player, then in no time at all, he gives away three penalties and gets himself sin-binned. The gobsh!te was lucky he didn’t get sent off! That was the game then and there like. Well doon, Tigers, another solid game from Gareth Ellis, started off by kneein Thurston in the bollocks to slow him down soom, but despite loosin a tooth and breaking his nose, he was my Man of the Match. Mug of the Match of course to that muppet O’Donnell”

“Not sure too many disagree with you there, Pommy, what did you make of the Warriors’ win?”

“Well as I said before, I thought the Warriors were a great chance in this one, I had them in my original weekend moolti with Storm 13+ and Canberra, but once the Storm lost, I changed tack soomwhat. I took separate mooltis with Bulldogs to win by 1-6 points and total match score between 41 and 50 points. Anyway, the first one looked in danger as the Warriors threw the ball round and led by 12, but I was happy seein the points on the board y’know? Even more so when the Dogs came back and woiped out the lead. For woonce, look was turning my way – or so it seemed. Booger me if that bloomin pillock Kimmorley somehow misses that easy field goal that woulda won the game! I swear he has something against me. It started with my 6-leg multi in 2005 which had Buderus as last try-scorer in Origin woon. Every bloomin extra time ends in a field goal except this woon, when bloomin Kimmorley picked out Matt Bowen perfectly with that intercept pass and Bowen gets last try instead. Cost me $1000 that day he did! Then the Warriors roob salt in my open wound with that late break, kick ahead that Luke Patten foombled and Hohaia scored. I couldn’t Adam and Eve it y’know?!”

“I’m beginning to understand the origin of your name, Pommy. How about Sunday’s action, any thoughts there?”

“Manly polished off the Sharks quite naarsley, an easy win there. What really got my goat about Sunday afternoon though was this was supposed to be an improved Brookvale Oval. Cronulla might have got belted by Manly, but at least they’ve ad soobstantial Government foonds to upgrade their ground. Brookvale is still roobish, little more than a park football ground! I guess that’s what happens when the entire Northern Beaches all vote Liberal at every election!”

“Yep ok, it’s probably best if we don’t hear your political views for everyone’s sake. How about the late game, any views on the resurgent Panthers?”

“No…..joost kiddin hahaha of course I have a view you silly git! Caught some of this game, Penrith looked quite impressive, but the Roosters looked lethargic. I know they’re a yoong team but all these games in the heat have taken their toll. But credit to Penrith for executin their game plan and tiring the Roosters out. I also noticed yoong Coote had a big game and received quite soom recognition for it. Not sure what all the foos was about though, he made a few nice plays, threw a fluky flick pass…not much really. Especially when Penrith had a much better young fullback in Jarrod Sammut. Yoong Sammut was faster, more athletic, a better kicker, more skilful and more confident than Coote….and doesn’t look like he’s 12 years old either! And Penrith had to let Sammut go to Old Blighty to get a game! I moost admit to wondering if Coote’s dad is on Penrith’s committee or something – how else can such an oonspeckTACKular player be so highly thought of?? I just don’t get it.”

“Fair point there Pommy, how about Coote getting man of the match in his debut when he dropped a number of bombs and missed all 4 shots at goal? It was a greater case of missing the obvious than Cronulla with Albert Kelly! Last game was last night and Parramatta and Canberra. Your take Pommy?”

“Well the obvious target in this game was that absolute blagger Mateo. What a lazy sod he is! But Parramatta really shouldn’t be surprised, they were always going to miss Todd Lowrie. Put it this way, Melbourne doesn’t go after dud buys, let me tell you. But what really got my goat was that so-called try to Ben Smith. I know it’s in the rules that he didn’t play at the ball with his torso but it’s joost not right like. Lookily Canberra got the win they deserved but the Smith no-try try could have swoong the game y’know? How embarrassin would it be if a try like that won some team a grand final? Cor blimey!”

On that note, tally-ho….I mean see you next week.