Round 7 - 100 Years of Hate

Yesterday marked 100 years since the sinking of the much-vaunted passenger liner the RMS Titanic on its maiden voyage.

Few events in recent centuries resonate with people today as much as the Titanic’s sinking does. Its place in popular culture, in metaphor (perhaps only exceeded by anything ending in ‘Gate’ in terms of over and misuse in this area) and in general knowledge is almost unparalleled. A recent survey revealed that only Elvis, Hitler and LOL@50uff$ were more widely known 20th century phenomena.

However, any good feeling that was held towards the Titanic was obliterated upon the release of James Cameron’s three-hour-long extended-middle-finger to the general popularity of motion pictures. When this was combined with James Horner’s abomination of a soundtrack, you pretty much had the worst ever movie and song ever made. If both men approached the metaphorical blank canvas several hours after eating a particularly spicy curry, pulled down their pants and let fly, the outcome wouldn’t have been as bad. Certainly it would have been less time-consuming for footy-loving men dragged along to this movie or forced to endure a social occasion with the soundtrack as background music.

Supporters of Rugby League have their favourite players and teams, but they also have players, coaches, media personalities, administrators who they love to hate as much, if not more so, than anything in a DVD or CD with the word Titanic on it. To be honest, the hate probably sells more tickets, papers, pay television subscriptions and beers in a pub on a Friday night than the support.

As a tribute to one hundred years (plus seven) of hate in Rugby League (and fifteen years for the awful film), this week’s Roast has a look back at Round 7 and those in the game hated by so many.

St George Illawarra v. Newcastle

While Newcastle has had their moments this season and will likely develop into a team which can contend for the 2012 premiership, they were lucky to stay close to the Dragons for the second time this season. Unfortunately for anyone looking for any excitement, the Dragons’ excellent defence and inability to do much more with the ball than move it beyond half way and then kick it to Brighton Le Sands after getting an eight-point lead meant this game was rather boring.

“I’m the King of the World!” – Darius Boyd would probably earn the most hated selection of many from this game. Despite being part of some very good teams during his time in the NRL and in representative rugby league, his standoffish, anti-social attitude and complete lack of loyalty to anyone apart from his grandmother, Uncle Wayne and the green (not in that order) are major turnoffs for most rugby league supporters.

Newcastle’s Chris Houston would be close behind Boyd. On the field, Houston is an excellent player, capable of big hits, speed and power in defence and playing in multiple positions and for 80 minutes. But really, he is very lucky not to be representing the Long Bay XIII in the back-row with fellow drug-dealer Danny Wicks.

Brisbane v. Canberra

Canberra’s elusive search for consistency will continue for at least one more week after Brisbane – minus Peter Wallace and Ben “Shoulders” Te’o – easily defeated them in Friday’s other game. A highlight was Joel Thompson's swinging arm which missed its target and instead hit a teammate. Thompson was still put on report.

“My Hearrrrrt Willll Go Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn” – It is tempting to nominate the entire Brisbane club (for benefiting so much more than other teams with the scheduling of matches) and possibly the entire Canberra player roster (for being coached by someone with the least talent but most job security in the game), but it’s even easier to just say Justin Hodges. Hodges is highly talented and remains one of the game’s best over a decade after making his debut but has led a charmed life, always finding himself on loaded teams and has rarely ever had to worry about his big mouth and bad attitude getting him into trouble on the field (since he starts conflicts then lets others fight for him). Honourable mention goes to Sam Thaiday for his consistent niggling tactics (not to mention his role in late 2008 in letting rugby league supporters know how large the toilets in Brisbane are).

Melbourne v. Canterbury

This was another tight, low-scoring game but not quite as tough to watch as the Dragons – Newcastle game. It wasn’t far off though; the Bulldogs were a committed and intense group in this game, but with Kris Keating at halfback, it was almost as if they were playing with one arm tied behind their back.

Still, Melbourne had to work harder than usual for this win and was somewhat fortunate not to be tied with the Bulldogs inside the last 20 minutes but for the unfortunate placement of the goal post pad stopping Josh Reynolds from scoring.

“I’m the King of the World!” – Canterbury coach Des Hasler has built his team in a similar way to the 2005 Manly team. He knows they are little chance competing with most teams in terms of skill and talent but hopes to win enough games by his players working harder and being more intense than their opponents. In the case of Josh Reynolds and Corey Payne, Hasler hopes to niggle and annoy opponents into worrying about Reynolds/Payne and not their game.

Reynolds has somehow made it to first grade with negligible talent hence his game basically revolves around being a pest. This backfired somewhat on Saturday when Reynolds snapped at similarly competitive Michael Ennis after a bad pass, but Reynolds also annoyed Billy Slater; anything that can be done to possibly take the brilliant Slater out of his game is a success. Payne is a weird player who combines intelligence and deft skills with an irrational tendency for conflict and starting fights in bizarre situations. Look for more of the same from Reynolds and Payne in 2012 until Hasler and the Bulldogs buy much better players.

(Of course, most people hate the Storm but that is a bit dated now, with the possible exception of Sika Manu and his ‘rolling pins’ and other tackles which push the boundaries of the rules. Melbourne coach Craig Bellamy would hope for Manu to tone down his act as the Storm search for their first premiership since 1999).

Manly v. Gold Coast

The under-strength Sea Eagles faced another challenge on Saturday night. They had to back up just five days after a strong win over Penrith and do the same again with no players coming off their lengthy injured list and against a struggling but very physical opponent looking to break a long losing streak.

The challenge proved too much; the Gold Coast Titans remarkably recorded their second win at Brookvale in three seasons.

“My Hearrrrrt Willll Go Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn” – despite mellowing somewhat as he approaches (rugby league) old age, Steve Matai remains deeply unpopular with opposition supporters for his volatility and random bursts of aggression, but also that he plays for Manly (a fact that really shouldn’t contribute anymore since Manly are not rich, do not cheat and rarely receive anything that resembles favouritism from officialdom).

However, the other reason for Matai’s unpopularity was seen late on when howls of laughter were heard across the country after a gust of wind next to Nate Myles’ shoulder gently brushed Matai’s head. This zephyr supposedly inflamed Matai’s ‘ongoing’ ‘neck and shoulder’ ‘injury’. The far more likely scenario is that Matai thought he could play hurt and receive a penalty after the incident in question and had to continue to look injured until a decision was made. Clearly, though, Matai has cried wolf far too often; by this time, punters’ laughter became tears of hilarity as Matai’s play-acting went on almost as long as the Titanic.

Sydney Roosters v. North Queensland

The Cowbores’ pattern on loss-win-loss-win continued on Saturday night, although they would have been doing cartwheels when they heard the Roosters wanted to play them in hot and humid Darwin (instead of in Sydney). This made their task much easier (although everyone suffered in the conditions) and this game was over by half time.

“I’m the King of the World!” – This game featured long-time favourite hated player of the Tuesday Roast Johnathan “Feral” Thurston; so any discussion of hate must start with this vile human being. From his role at Coffs Harbour to his petulant and offensive (to all five senses) outbursts when things don’t go his way to his truly bizarre pre-goal kick rituals involving his headgear and facial tick, Feral Thurston, despite his obvious talents, remains a target of hate and will do so as long as he runs on to a field.

But the Roosters are usually well-represented in this department. The latest players here include Jared Waerea-Hargreaves-Enforcer (he might as well have a third name thanks to lazy media reporting but surely the likes of Peter Kelly, Paul Harragon and Shane Webcke would be having a laugh at how far the entry standards have dropped in this club) and Mitchell Pearce (not so much for any qualities of his, but more so that he seems to be a favourite of the media and representative selectors despite having about 3 good games since 2008).

New Zealand v. South Sydney

This was a high-scoring game, a feast of attacking rugby league. The Warriors don’t often lose these games although, for the most part, Souths played quite well, staying in the contest until the final 10 minutes. Warriors’ five-eighth James Maloney had an excellent game, setting up a number of tries and giving NSW State of Origin selectors much to consider (like a zillion other players apparently).

“My Hearrrrrt Willll Go Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn” – Issac Luke is the easy answer here. Luke’s penchant for grubby, niggling play (including ‘cannonball’ tackles) and notoriety for exaggerating the tiniest amount of illegal contact make him one of the least popular players in the NRL.

Cronulla v. Parramatta

Some teams, no matter how poorly they are playing, always seem to play well against certain teams or at certain grounds. Parramatta almost always produces a strong performance at Toyota Stadium and did so again yesterday. Meanwhile Cronulla again played well; this was one of the more entertaining games of the season so far.

Parramatta’s forwards lifted to match Cronulla’s pack, while Jarryd Hayne had a hand in their three tries, scoring two and setting up another with an incredible flick pass. However, Cronulla held on for the win, thanks to some desperate defence and Parramatta giving away too many penalties and squandering numerous attacking chances in the second half.

“I’m the King of the World!” – If it was up to Nathan Hindmarsh, his answer would surely be Jeremy Smith, who enraged the Eels legend with a series of knees aimed his head in a tackle in the second yesterday. Hindmarsh’s response to the referee – “If he’s f**kin gonna knee me in the head again like that and f**kin carry on like a f**k-wit…..” – was both shocking and memorable (and joins the Parra players’ outbursts Hall of Fame with Tahu “The dog bit me!” and Riddell “See ya Fat Boy!!!!!” both from 2007).

However reports in yesterday’s papers suggest Smith is guilty of tactics no doubt learned at the Melbourne Storm in test match tackles against the Aussies in recent years (so much so the Aussie players refer to him as “The Grub”). Smith must be thankful for having Melbourne Storm players then Paul Gallen as team-mates over so many years (so his quiet personality means he avoids much scrutiny for these much-hated acts).

Penrith v. Wests Tigers

These teams have delivered some memorable games over the years, but yesterday’s game will not join them. Penrith doesn’t have much talent anyway but to lose their creative dummy half and speedy centre before the game meant they were always going to struggle. Wests scored early and jumped to a 12-nil lead and did little more than what they had to over the remainder of the game for an easy win.

“My Hearrrrrt Willll Go Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn” – Benji Marshall and Robbie Farah attract more than their share of hate from opposition supporters and rightly so too. Marshall, once a prodigy, remains a highly inconsistent player not yet capable of deciding when to go for the big play and when to play conservatively. But he is the ultimate media hero, especially of Channel 9, who worships the ground he walks on. To rub salt into the wound for supporters, his “exclusive” story on Channel 9 news was nothing more than a shameless plug for his girlfriend’s TV show. Meanwhile, the thin-skinned, dour Farah has long since shed the happy-go-lucky personality of his first few seasons in the league. In its place is a surly figure that rarely smiles and is often angry (under the guise of being ‘motivated’).

But most supporters have increased their hate levels for Channel 9 this season due to the significant fall in quality of their Sunday rugby league shows and the replacement of the popular Andrew Voss with the right-wing shock-jock Ray Hadley. In addition, yesterday it was revealed that Channel 9’s recent announcement that they will now be showing games live in non Rugby League states on their GEM channel is in fact only a temporary measure; this will end on April 30th. It could have been secured for much longer, but the petty, bitter Channel 9 executives will not extend this initiative if they have not secured broadcast rights for 2013 and beyond. Channel 9 deserves Titanic-like hate for this pathetic ploy from rugby league supporters everywhere.

See you in two weeks.

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Round 5 – Easter Eggs

Instead of a standard recap, this week’s Roast will take the form of eight generous helpings of Easter goodness – the annual Easter Eggs, designed to stimulate thought, encourage debate and…..who am I kidding, it’s just easier to do than a normal Roast. Enjoy, good tipping and see you next week.

‘Paul Gallen doesn’t travel to away games; the Earth rotates on his command’

Saturday’s twilight game saw another extraordinary performance from Paul Gallen, who again played the whole 80 minutes (mostly at prop) but also filled any number of other roles for Cronulla. Chuck Norris would have been proud (except Chuck Norris does not get proud, because he expects everything).

Gallen does have more help this year than at any time since 2008 but the salary cap and alcohol-fuelled cultures at other clubs have probably played a greater role than Gallen in driving the fortunes of this year’s team. Recent signings De Gois, Carney, Gibbs, Fifita, Graham, Best, Robson and Ross were all rejected by their previous clubs.

However, Gallen is without doubt the best big forward in the game at the moment. There is no one who could perform all the tasks with the excellence and consistency that he does.

'Jarryd Hayne: a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters STILL couldn’t explain him’

Jarryd Hayne is one of the most gifted athletes in the NRL but trying to understand what makes him tick is impossible. At times on Saturday night against Manly, Hayne was at his best, putting in maximum effort and able to do what he wanted when he wanted.

However, at most other times, he barely broke out of a jog and appeared to favour his recently hurt knee. But there seemed little pain or discomfort, merely efforts to emphasise the strapping around his knee and tell whoever was watching that he did have a sore knee and it might not yet be better (just in case he or the Eels had a bad game).

Such behaviour could be permitted on the soccer field (especially with a lazy, goal-poaching, egocentric striker) but is almost unheard of in rugby league, where constant collisions and impact require maximum effort and intensity from the moment you step on to the field. For most people anyway. Hayne’s limited effort was still better than most would have been, but you can understand the rumours suggesting his team-mates disapprove of his approach to performance.

‘More troubles on the home front’

Once again, it was another sub-par week for home teams, but even more tellingly, Penrith, the Gold Coast and Canberra all lost at home. For Penrith, this was their 6th home loss in a row – their worst run in 30 years. For Gold Coast, they have now won one of their last 11 at home, while Canberra has won only 4 of their last 15 at home.

However, even more incredibly for Canberra, they have only won 2 of their last 10 games at home as the favourite. In contrast, they have won 2 out of 5 as the underdog during this same time.

For the Tigers, they have several home grounds, but Sunday’s defeat to Souths was eerily similar to their last game at the same venue in last year’s semi-finals and also Souths’ late victory over them at the SCG in 2009.

‘Waerea-Hargreaves: Grade 3 Tissue Slapping’

In Saturday night’s Roosters v. Warriors game, Roosters prop Jared Waerea-Hargreaves charged towards the attack. Warriors forward Ukuma Ta’ai saw JWH coming and stepped but JWH put a hand out and brushed Ta’ai’s face.

Ta’ai stopped in his tracks, slumped to the ground and waited for medical attention and the video referee to confirm JWH had in fact touched his stubble.

After Ta’ai’s play-acting, everyone involved did what was required of them (after all, no official is going to suggest play-acting with the possibility of legal action should this diagnosis be incorrect), but if the NRL does not introduce a system whereby players are punished somehow (in a post-match review of these incidents) then the game will suffer heavily.

‘The goalposts should be shifted – literally’

Sunday’s Gold Coast – Canterbury game featured the incredibly rare sight of TWO kick-offs rebounding off the goal posts.

Granted, this does not happen often, but is there one good reason why it should happen at all? In other words, why are the goal posts allowed to interfere with play, either from a kickoff, a kick in general play or as interference in attack or someone trying to escape from the in-goal area? The answer ‘Because it’s always been like that’ is not a good reason.

In the not too distant past, grounds (and specifically in-goal areas) of different sizes would have meant pushing the goal posts to the back of the in-goal area would have been awkward, but with new/upgraded stadia around the NRL, this should be little trouble. Put the posts on the dead ball line and take them out of play.

‘Benji Marshall is the best anyone has ever been at anything, ever’

The Wests Tigers gave a far better account of themselves on Sunday afternoon than they had in previous weeks, especially considering the injury to forward leader Gareth Ellis and the suspension of Robbie Farah.

However, the Channel 9 commentators had eyes for only one Tiger: Benji Marshall. Sure, he played a key role in what looked like being a Tigers win but the praise of what were not much more than run-of-the-mill plays for a half-decent playmaker was excessive, porcelain-bus drivingly so.

It is understood that media wants to promote stars of the game, but their praise is so widespread, appears for the most routine of plays while criticism or errors are ignored. Marshall led the Tigers to easily and unnecessarily surrender position just before Souths’ comeback started.

Meanwhile, for Ben Barba, another media darling, while his run out of the in-goal area on Sunday was impressive, the media missed his forward pass to Morris for the undeserved length-of-the-field try. There was also the cheerleading from all in the media of his basketball-bounce try late last season.

‘It’s all fun and games until somebody ambushes Robbie Farah in the eye’

The rugby league media also came under inspection again last week after Robbie Farah’s ‘interview’ with Matthew Johns. Johns asked some questions that would not normally be asked of a player in the media (unless that media member wanted to be ostracised by players) but the questions were entirely consistent with his previously stated views and those of many supporters.

Despite being made aware of the questions one hour in advance, Farah reacted tersely to John’s questions. There was the possibility that Farah’s outrage was staged but this seemed less likely after Farah complained of being ambushed soon after the interview on Twitter.

Farah is either trying too hard to seem upset or has the thinnest skin ever seen on a professional sportsman. But despite positive feedback to the interview, it seems unlikely that a show featuring NRL players would risk ongoing censure by the game and/or the players for asking questions other than ‘So mate, how’s things looking for the weekend, should be a hard game?’ For that, we are all poorer. Players are, for the most part, juiced-up sound-bite machines – who needs them? Just get some good opinions, preferably who have no relationship with players and let them loose.

‘Hindy, thanks for the memories and one from the archives on Saturday night’

Finally, it is the retirement at season’s end of Nathan Hindmarsh, the popular tackling machine of the Parramatta Eels. It is somewhat sad that he will retire without winning a premiership but that he will also retire probably having not lived up to his potential as a wide-running back-rower. Instead, due to lazy team-mates and poor recruiting, he often had to tackle for 3 and this became a habit.

This usually meant his tackles were rarely of the intensity of, say, a Tariq Sims but he inspired the Eels to a rare win on Saturday night with two bone-crunching tackles in the second half. It feels like a long time since Hindy has fired up in a way that hasn’t involved chasing down a speedy outside back (which is also good to watch but not quite the same as a big hit).

See you next week.

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Round 4 – There’s No Place Like….Away?

It is generally accepted in team sports at all levels that those teams with the home ground advantage are a better chance of winning. This notion does not need explaining. Yet after 3 rounds in the current NRL season, home teams (plus the favoured teams in those games at neutral venues – i.e. the ‘Home Boys Adjusted’ measure) had won only 29.2% of the time.

This was the second lowest performance after 3 rounds in a season since 1988; only in 2001 (28.6%) did those with the home ground advantage fare worse. The home teams broke out of their funk in 2001 with a full round, but the same round in 2012 only saw a slight improvement from the home teams (4 out of 8).

While it is true that the distinct home ground advantage has diminished somewhat over recent decades (thanks to many millions of dollars being placed into the construction and redevelopment of homogeneous stadia), you’d still think the familiarity of routine and lower chance of disruptions which would come with playing at home would be of at least some benefit to most teams.

This week’s Roast will take a closer look at why home teams are struggling.

To be fair to the concept of home ground advantage, Parramatta at present would struggle to win at home if there was no opposition. They took on Penrith on Friday night and after an opening period where they put Penrith under pressure, Penrith’s turn with the ball saw points flow quickly.

While Penrith played well (bouncing back from being well beaten at home by Souths), Parramatta’s defence was fundamentally weak, especially their inexperienced right-side defence. Parramatta’s right-side defensive coach Eric Grothe Junior was at a loss to understand; he had undertaken extra sessions with his young protégés, but somehow things went terribly.

Penrith threatened to blow the score out before half-time but settled at 23; more than enough to ease off for the remainder of the game.

There was also a distinct lack of home-ground advantage in Channel 9’s commentary during this game. Amongst the selections of scintillating repartee were: a discussion on what material the goal posts are made of (aluminium, not wood, as Brad Fittler first suggested), Fittler again (who can’t remember yesterday) incredibly remembering a rule-change from 2003 (but not remembering the Steve Matai incident and the ensuing Cyclone Joey response from week 1 of the 2006 finals which saw the rule change back) and Ray Warren referring to a short, directly backward pass from a Penrith forward taking a hit-up as a ‘download’.

Internet gossip suggests Channel 9 is deliberately devaluing their product in 2012 (with these commentary shenanigans, the dumping of popular Andrew Voss and the desecration of the Sunday Roast) so as to lessen the value of the game’s broadcast rights, which are currently up for renegotiation. From the network which threw the once-popular Matthew Johns and Ben Ikin under buses for the sake of ratings, anything is possible.

Anyway, this game suggested one cause of the away-team success: motivation following a home loss. Penrith became masters at this in 2007 and 2008, when a disgusting home record led to a series of remarkable away performances.

Another team with a poor recent home record has been Canberra. They lost a very winnable game against the timid Storm and also lost last week against the Roosters. While this game was classified as an away game, their fair-weather supporters outnumbered the locals last Sunday, making this another the Raiders should have put away.

However they made amends for these losses with an impressive effort against traditional overlords the Wests Tigers. Usually, a very disappointing effort followed by a game at home leads to a significant improvement, at the very least in attitude. Not this time though; the Tigers only sporadically showed signs of life.

Somehow they stayed close into the game’s final 20 minutes despite a lack of intensity and an alarming failure to change their defensive structure which was repeatedly breached by the adventurous Raiders.

Another strange choice from the Tigers was their decision to carry only two forwards on the bench but have no dummy-half-like player until Tom Humble came after the hour mark.

That said, Canberra was confident, structured and generally took advantage of openings (although their success rate in converting these into tries was poor): characteristics that haven’t been associated with Canberra (especially a Canberra away team) since their late-season runs of 2008 and 2010.

Similarly, Newcastle has registered two poor home efforts to start 2012, but their performances away from home have been resilient. They were nothing special against Cronulla in Round 2 but took what they were given, while on Sunday against the Bulldogs, they played with the swagger of a team coming off far more impressive efforts.

Granted, Canterbury lost their halfback after just 10 minutes (leaving them with big-hearted but light-on-talent options such as Reynolds and Romelo in the playmaking positions), they were, in hindsight, was never going to match their exceptional effort in playmaking they produced in their last match against the Warriors and most importantly they had a winger (Bryson Goodwin) wearing headgear (instant fail), but Newcastle started strongly and ground out a very solid win.

Cronulla provided a home-win upset last Monday night against Manly but were helped by incredibly unlikely events such as Colin Best almost living up to his name and Ben Pomeroy catching a pass. A repeat in Townsville on Saturday night against the Cowbores seemed unlikely.

Yet once again, the Sharks displayed their mental toughness in overcoming big-name opposition. Despite Feral Thurston having a rare off-night, the Cowbores had the better of this game, but failed to convert enough of this dominance into points. Cronulla held true for the most part and then responded to end this game in front. This was more than entirely due to Paul Gallen – words cannot do his incredible combination of endurance and strength justice.

Cronulla’s lack of depth and reliance on Gallen will likely mean the Sharks miss the top 8 in 2012, but this shouldn’t mean they should throw their cash at the highest-profile name on the players-off-contract list: in this case, Brett Stewart. Rumour has it Cronulla can actually offer Stewart the money he is looking for, but this would be a huge mistake for a number of reasons: Stewart’s propensity to receive injury, the fact that it is a buyer’s market for fullbacks (most teams have two or three excellent fullback options) and that Stewart’s skill set is not what a skills-hungry team like Cronulla needs (i.e. for $600k, Cronulla would want a fullback who could make plays, kick and work 3 days a week at King Wan, the Chinese Restaurant at Cronulla Leagues Club).

It might be hard to believe but there were some strong performances by home teams over the weekend. The Warriors overcame the Titans, their creditors and the rain to record a comprehensive win on Saturday night. Meanwhile on Sunday, it was another Billy Slater highlight reel and a big win to the Storm (this time over the Sydney Roosters). However, this was yet another Storm game blighted by the home team receiving unnecessary assistance from the officials. Melbourne’s second and third tries both contained missed infractions and helped to break a fairly solid resistance by the Roosters.

Another very good home team performance came from the Dragons when they took on Manly on Saturday night. The Dragons’ first half was almost a flashback to the days of 2009-2011 when they would routinely build a solid lead and suffocate the opposition’s efforts to mount a comeback.

But Manly, only 5 days off being ambushed by the monster Cronulla pack and minus key forwards Stewart, Williams and Galuvao, somehow fought back. On second thought, the 2012 Dragons are perhaps one attacking player short; they will struggle to win averaging 15 points per game week in and week out. However, their defence just did enough and an enterprising kick by Hornby and chase by Nightingale was enough for a well-earned win.

Lastly, South Sydney took their home game to Perth where they faced the Broncos. Souths were not helped by having to make the cross-country flight then play just over 5 days after their game in Penrith last Sunday. Meanwhile, Brisbane, helped by Channel 9’s desire to feature them on every single Friday night broadcast, meant they had seven days between games.

In the end, this discrepancy made a difference. Souths started strongly and came this close to extending their lead to 8 points in the game’s final 14 minutes (but for a brilliant chase by Ben Hannant). Brisbane then finished strongly, scoring the game’s final 20 points and winning by 8.

See you next week.

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Round 3: St Patrick (O’Hanlon)’s Day

While young Eel Pat O’Hanlon has the best Irish name in the game at present, he is far from the only player representing this under-acknowledged segment of the NRL community. Others of Irish descent include Luke Walsh, Anthony Quinn, Kieran Foran, Todd Carney, Mick Ennis, Shaun Berrigan, Mitchell Pearce, Greg Bird, Sam Burgess, Anthony Griffin, Matt Keating, The Morris twins, Ben Ross, umm… Michael Jennings, (clears throat) Stephen Kearney…….

As with much else in the NRL, even the influence of Ireland is being taken over by the influence of (Pacific) islanders. Anyway, here’s this week’s Roast with a distinct Irish flavour.

St George Illawarra v. Wests Tigers

There was once a young man named Timmy
Who changed teams then did a reneg-y
He was wanted by Saints
But a good player he ain’t
Saints thrashed the Tiges for a big victory

The appearance of Tim Moltzen in an opposition jumper was one factor which was always going to mean a fired-up St George Illawarra team in this game.

However the major motivator, as it so often is early in the season, was the bounce-back factor and the Dragons’ horrid performance last week against the Bulldogs.

The Dragons started strongly and never looked in trouble. In contrast, the Tigers struggled without key forwards Ellis and Galloway and a tough first two rounds made it difficult for them to be anywhere near their best.

Newcastle v. Brisbane

There was once a coach named Wayne
He was the best coach in the game
But his Knights are like strangers
They look to be in danger
Of having many points to regain

While the Knights were coming off a win in Round 2, one expected something of a ‘bounce-back’ from them; in the form of a much better and much more cohesive effort after their embarrassing first-up home match in Round 1.

Unfortunately for the locals, the home team still appears some time away from a decent performance. Brisbane was solid, although not spectacular, but they didn’t fail to take easy opportunities, as Newcastle’s opposition did in Round 2. While the Knights stayed close for a while, it was an easy win for the Broncos in the end.

Gold Coast v. Melbourne

There was once a team on the Coast
They started out better than most
Then the GFC hit
Making their investments sh-t
That and dumb signings mean they are toast

Another wet early evening against a big pack; Melbourne saw this in Round 1 and didn't really like it. While an early try eased their nerves, the Titans had the better of the first half.

Melbourne got going in the second half, but were given a substantial leg-up by the officials. In the lead-up to tries by Duffie and Slater (his first), Melbourne kicked ahead and pressuring chasers were clearly in front of the kicker. This was not identified by the officials or, shamefully, commentators paid to identify such transgressions. The Titans did well against 13 opponents, but not so well against 17.

But speaking of Slater, he set up the try for Duffie then scored two of his own. His second try sent the ignorant, cheerleading commentators into waves of ecstasy, but they should have saved this for the Sheltered Workshop MVP Anthony Quinn's incredible (for him) chip-ahead and try late on. Slater’s second try saw him become the greatest try-scorer for a fullback in the history of top-level rugby league in Australia, but this was somewhat diminished when an inspection of the statistics revealed Rhys Wesser was the previous holder of the record. When questioned yesterday, Wesser thought he only held records for the worst pass ever attempted by a fullback as well as the worst goal-kicks attempted (vs. Canberra in 2005 when he inexplicably took four pathetic shots at goal before being relieved by Trent Waterhouse).

Meanwhile, the crowd at this game was solid but no doubt boosted by an offer of free tickets if the home side lost. Someone didn’t think that through – unless the free tickets are for the local A-League side. As each day brings worse news about the state of the Titans’ finances and investments (both property and players i.e. five years for run-of-the-mill Will Zillman), fears grow that yet another team will fail in this region.

North Queensland v. Parramatta

There was once a coach named Kearney
Whose apprenticeship had plenty of learn-y
But it was the wrong approach
‘Cause he clearly can’t coach
Time to give someone else a turn-y

It rained in north Queensland too but this result was never in doubt. The Cowbores simply had far too much for the Eels, for whom the return on a wooden spoon investment is diminishing each day.

New Zealand v. Canterbury

Young Benny’s been an incredible find
Catching him is like tackling fire
His team stood tall
Thanks to several lucky calls
The video ref must be blind!

On to Sunday’s games and an amazing contest from Auckland. The Warriors were hardly in the contest for the first 20 minutes and the Bulldogs threatened to run away from them.

Then, as the possession started to turn and Feleti Mateo entered the game, the Warriors sprang to life. James Maloney and his family may be homesick now, but surely he’ll be homesick for Mateo putting him through holes when he plays with the Roosters next season.

The Warriors took a two-point lead but lost the game on a few key plays. First up was the Warriors’ soft defence allowing Kasiano an easy try then failing to cash in on a lot of attacking field position.

But the huge plays came from Ben Barba, who was judged to have stopped what looked to be a certain Kevin Locke try, then a few minutes later, set up the match-sealing try with an incredible defence-into-attack run from deep within Canterbury territory.

With that said, the video referee from this game should be dropped to….what does a video referee get relegated to oversee? PlayStation?? Bill Harrigan memorably got the week off video refereeing in 2010 to play in his Over 35’s soccer grand final. Anyway, the video referee took ONE look at Steve Turner’s basketball dribble attempt at scoring a try. While most others saw a bounce, he gave an immediate try.

He then rejected the late Locke try attempt, judging that no skerrick of the ball touched the grass (this seemed unlikely). However, if he was told that the on-field referee thought it was not a try, then it was a fair decision. Basically, the on-field referee should make clear what he thinks happened before going to the video.

While the right team won this exciting if somewhat inconsistently played game, these poor decisions left a bad taste in the mouth.

Sydney Roosters v. Canberra

Yesterday’s game at Allianz Stadium
Was so poor it inspired tedium
But amidst the fans’ cackles
There was some amazing tackles
An ok game, despite skills at a premium

In contrast, this game was error-riddled and (sadly for Canberra) injury-hit. Canberra hung around and nearly snatched the win late on but the aggressive if error-prone Roosters did just enough.

Some random points: can anyone explain why there were so many Canberra supporters at this game? It has been a lean last 20 years for Canberra, I guess one decent win is now enough to get the fair-weather Sydney Raiders supporters to come out. Also, the Roosters, with this win, continued their undefeated home record (as far as can be discovered anyway) when Sexpo is on in Sydney.

Penrith v. Souths

Young Greg was so frustrated
So talented yet so isolated
He never saw any ball
Finally Souths made the call
His involvement and output sharply appreciated

Under Phil Gould’s leadership, Penrith had a big day planned around this game; their efforts in re-connecting with the local community are to be applauded.

Unfortunately, the day on the field could hardly have gone worse. Souths scored after about 25 seconds and raced to a big lead thanks to brilliance from the likes of King, Luke and Taylor as well as adequacy from Sutton. Finally, Greg Inglis, returning to fullback, left tyre marks on poor Lachlan Coote’s chest early in the second half.

Somehow Penrith kept the final margin to 16 points but they were well beaten. Will this one of the half dozen or so games each season when Souths can thrash anyone or will they FINALLY deliver their potential and play like this more regularly?

Cronulla v. Manly

There was once a team called the Sharks
To watch them, you usually needed Arks
But rain is their friend
They’re bigger than Ben
That said, their win relied on much ar$e

Poor weather meant a smallish crowd at this game last night, but surely Cronulla’s coaches and players would have been popping the champagne corks in advance.

In wet conditions, Cronulla’s monster pack is almost unbeatable, while wet conditions reveal how far Manly usually plays above their weight. For their intensity and aggression, Manly is not a big team and they compounded their size disadvantage by giving away too much field position (through errors, penalties and a poor kicking game), especially during the first half.

But while Manly took a good hour to adjust to the game, pretty much everything came off for Cronulla. When Ben Pomeroy is producing offloads – heck, when Ben Pomeroy catches the ball with his stubs/flippers – you know it’s a good night. When Jeff Robson’s kicking game reminds you of Andrew Johns with a gale at his back (How on earth did he not get Dally M points by the way? Of course… Laurie Daley was in charge of the votes), you know it’s a good night. When the video referee mistakes a Paul Gallen lost ball for one of his normal offloads, you know it’s a good night. Finally, when Todd Carney hits a 40-metre field goal and knocks in a conversion off the upright (while Jamie Lyon’s poster bounced out), you know it’s a good night.

By the time Manly got back into the contest, there was under 20 minutes left, yet Manly eventually cut Cronulla’s lead to just 3. However, anything more was too much to ask and Cronulla held on for the win.

See you next week.

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Round 2 - Bounce Backs and Upsets: How Round 2 is the Most Difficult Round to Tip

As the NRL has become a more even competition over the last decade, this has heightened the importance of collective intensity. The impact of a salary cap with relatively little give from one year to the next (which sees an annual transfer of talent from rich to poor clubs and the thinning of most teams’ depth) and a representative schedule which tends to punish the successful teams means even the strongest line-up can be made to look silly if they play without the necessary desire.

There are few times during a rugby league season where collective intensity seems to play as an important a role as it does in Round 2. Here, teams who started the season strongly must face up to a different challenge: backing up this effort with another one (with only a few measly trial runs on which to build a foundation). Also, those teams who started Round 1 with hopes of semi-finals but crashed to earth are now facing the possibility of starting the season with two losses. Meanwhile, the team who feels good after Round 1 (despite beating only patchy opposition) and the team who played strongly in Round 1 but fell short also face difficult challenges.

Not surprisingly, Round 2 has consistently thrown up surprising results. This cannot be considered a fluke: since 1994, the bookmakers’ favourites in Round 2 have won only 50% of games – the lowest percentage the favourites have won in any round. During the same period, games between first-up winners and first-up losers in Round 2 have also been split equally.

Let’s take a closer look at Round 2, 2012 to try and find some order in a seemingly chaotic landscape.

Manly v. Wests Tigers

The Bounce Back: As Tigers (and Sharks) suffered mightily in oppressive conditions at Leichhardt last Sunday, while Manly had a close contest but in mild weather in Auckland, this looked to be an easy one. Surely the Tigers could not compete so soon after such a draining contest.

The Upset: However, confirmation of injuries to Glenn Stewart and Steve Matai – and a whisper of an injury to Kieran Foran – meant Manly started this game as the outsider. A highly entertaining contest saw the Tigers lead at half-time, but Manly responded quickly after half-time in a manner similar to their start in Auckland a week ago. The Tigers came back late but it was not enough.

Upset, of course, has several meanings and supporters of non-annoying media and/or ground-announcers would have been dismayed by the 3807th instalment of Ray Warren / Phil Gould pretend/contrived arguments as well as the return of Manly’s ancient PA man Grant Goldman. Rabs gave greater evidence of his laziness/stupidity by referring to Dale Cherry-Evans. However, worse was still to come on this front.

Brisbane v. North Queensland

The Bounce Back: Another relatively easy one here, with the Cowbores giving an abhorrent performance last Saturday night while Brisbane had a very easy win against a poor Parramatta team. The talent on the Cowbores meant they were unlikely to play poorly again, while Brisbane was not tested by the Eels.

The Upset: After a slow first-half, the Broncos looked to have lifted sufficiently to secured the win in a high-scoring and exciting match but Little Matty Bowen™ caught Brisbane’s scrum defence out and raced away to win the game for the Cowbores. Ray Hadley, like every other commentator ever, forgot all about Bowen’s mistakes and screamed loudly after the defence failed to take care of a routine play against him.

Hadley’s return to rugby league on television had it all: constantly mentioning a point so a curiosity became a festering sore (the numbers which peeled off many of the Cowbores’ players backs over the course of the game), the race-calling/auction-announcing style for which Hadley is famous and, of course, the right-wing slander of Kevin Rudd, who was at the game in an unofficial capacity. Rugby League will be infinitely poorer if this windbag replaces the engaging, effervescent and sometimes eccentric Andrew Voss in a regular capacity.

Gold Coast v. Canberra

The Bounce Back: While Gold Coast won in Round 1 and Canberra lost, it was quite difficult to gauge how these teams lined up due to the vastly different oppositions. As mentioned, North Queensland was awful while Canberra pushed Melbourne to the limit (albeit in wet conditions which suited the Canberra pack). Given Canberra’s tendency for slow season starts and their unfamiliarity with warm early season conditions (as well as some likelihood that the Titans would be overturn a long slump and finally play well at home), the more likely bounce back was that Canberra would play like the team that should one day get NRL half-wit David Furner fired.

(Seriously Dave, for-and-against points should be adjusted based on post-game analysis of referees’ decisions?!?!?!)

The Upset: A well-played and even first half gave way to Canberra enjoying the better of the second half and recording a strong win, thus recording back-to-back decent efforts early in the season for the first time since…..well before the retard Furner was employed.

Further evidence of Furner’s stupidity was evidenced by the brilliant debut of youngster Jack Wighton on the wing. This is the same wing where Canberra recently signed oxygen thief Michael Bani.

Canterbury v. St George Illawarra

The Bounce Back: Perversely, this one was easy but difficult at the same time. The Dragons almost looked like they were playing a semi-final in Newcastle two Thursdays ago, so a fall back to earth looked likely. However, the Bulldogs took a long time to overcome Penrith, who tried hard but lacked, to put it bluntly, talent in their Round 1 match. It was difficult to establish how the new-look Bulldogs might play in this game.

The Upset: A combination of some injuries to an already depleted squad and some baffling penalties and errors conceded early on meant the Dragons had no chance against an eager Bulldogs side. The Dragons struggled when having to come from behind at their best in the last few years; they looked no chance chasing more than 10 points on Saturday night. Meanwhile, it’s still hard to tell just how good the undefeated Bulldogs are.

Cronulla v. Newcastle

The Bounce Back: An easy one at first glance, Cronulla was unlikely to string two decent games together (given their mediocre talent level and depth) while the Knights couldn’t possibly play as bad as they did in Round 1. However Cronulla’s size across the park threatened to trouble their opponent, while the Knights’ problems looked like they would need several weeks to resolve.

The Upset: Cronulla had a host of excellent chances to threaten the upset, especially in the first half, but failed to convert any of them. Newcastle’s thin lead was rather simply extended early in the second half and the upset was off the cards from then on. Newcastle was improved from Round 1, but only barely; this was not a game to remember. Referee Tony Archer would love to forget his strange decision which gave Newcastle their third try. Former Shark Matt Hilder again proved his worth with an excellent game after Kurt Gidley’s early injury.

Sydney Roosters v. Penrith

The Bounce-Back: While the Roosters stole a Round 1 win over LOL@50uff$ and Penrith lost late on against the Bulldogs, the bounce-back didn’t look a great option. Penrith had enough possession and attacking field position to beat the Bulldogs multiple times over, yet scored just two tries (one off an error). How would they react to the decent likelihood of less favourable conditions? Meanwhile, the Roosters welcomed back Braith Anasta and could have gained great confidence from such an unlikely win.

The Upset: The crash landing some expected from the Roosters did not eventuate; they played quite well, but they could not match the enthusiasm of the Panthers. Given the lack of quality across much of Penrith’s team (with second-rate talent such as Weston, Ciraldo, Newton, Galea, Burns, Tighe…..basically the whole team except Lewis, Jennings and Kingston), new coach Ivan Cleary could be in the running for coach of the year award if they can play with this much heart over much of the season.

Melbourne v. LOL@50uff$

The Bounce-Back: While Melbourne rarely lose at home and LOL@50uff$ rarely win full stop (even if they have the lead with 3 minutes left), the bounce-back was on here. Melbourne looked almost scared of Canberra and their big pack last week. Heck, they rushed Jason freaking Ryles back to remedy this situation. Ryles hasn’t remedied anything in the last decade unless it was a severe shortage of stupid penalties, offloads or being marched back 10 extra metres.

The Upset: LOL@50uff$ looked a chance here, especially in the first half. Issac Luke, massive cannonball-inflicting grub and diving cheat that he is, made a significant difference upon his return from well-deserved and much-too-short suspension. Inglis took a pass from Taylor, wondered what that thing was in his hands (after all, he never gets it passed to him from Souths’ halves) before passing it to Macqueen for a try in the corner. Melbourne looked a little bit like new undies might be needed again this week as Souths’ pack gained an edge.

But before Cooper Cronk could do his best Tim Smith scaredy-cat cross-field kick from 20 metres out from his line in the ’05 prelim final against the Cowbores impersonation again, the Storm settled and slowly took over, led by Billy Slater.

Parramatta v. New Zealand

The Bounce-Back: With Jarryd Hayne set to return from injury and some doubts about the Warriors against under-strength opposition and in early-season games, Parramatta looked likely to – at the very least – improve greatly from their first-up shocker against Brisbane.

Unfortunately the Eels lost Nathan Hindmarsh before kickoff and Hayne not long after, denting their hopes of avoiding a 0-2 start.

The Upset: The Warriors scored some easy tries in this game, but the gallant Eels were somehow only 4 points down within the final 10 minutes. The Warriors, despite looking a little fragile at times, won well in the end. Unfortunately for Parramatta, an improved effort yielded much the same result. The bounce back will have to wait another week.

After all that, favourites won 3 out of the 8 games and the Round 1 loser won 3 out of 4 when playing Round 1 winners, further strengthening these trends of recent years.

Thankfully, tipping (according to the stats) only gets easier from here. See you next week.

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Round 1: The Mardi Grass

Hello all and welcome to the 2012 NRL season. Despite an earlier than normal season start, the overwhelming feeling was one of relief; no longer did time have to be spent pretending to enjoy inane and worn out summer pastimes such as cricket or A-League.

As with season 2011, the Bon Jovi song ‘Our House’ was used to launch the much-hyped kick-off. But with the celebration of rugby league (at least I think that’s what it was: groups of well-built, clean shaven men in tight-fitting clothes getting affectionate with each other at the prospect of scoring) in Sydney’s east on Saturday night, news over the break of referee Matt Cecchin’s ‘playing for the other team’, the appearance on Friday night of other referee Shayne Hayne’s extremely flamboyant moustache and finally the culmination of a massive precipitation event in floods across much of New South Wales, there was a far more appropriate season-opening song.

Here is the review of the main themes of Round 1 in the NRL with the Weather Girls’ 1982 hit ‘It’s Raining Men’.

Newcastle v. St George Illawarra

Hallelujah! It’s raining…. Strangers

While this game ended up going to golden point extra time, it would have been an injustice if the Dragons had lost. They were the far better team, well-drilled, organised, structured and efficient.

However, their attack was lacking and this kept the highly disappointing Knights in the game. For a team with so much history in certain combinations, it was uncertain if they actually met each other before the game (this is only a slight exaggeration) such was their lack of cohesion and any sort of system in attack.

Given his history of simplifying the game for a talented but disparate Dragons team, many thought Wayne Bennett would have helped Newcastle start the season strongly but this was not the case.

Newcastle’s hopes of attracting the neutral supporter this season took a hit when Timana Tahu lashed out after fairly normal provocation. His ‘knee-jerk’ reaction (more jerk than knee; thanks to former tipster Steve Giudice for that one) made Tahu’s aims of State of Origin this season seem laughable.

Parramatta v. Brisbane

For the first time in history, it’s gonna start raining… Sandow disappointment…?

It all started so well, a strong first few sets, a last tackle kick by Sandow which exhibited discipline and perhaps an ability to play wet-weather rugby league, which became a Sandow try after a Brisbane mistake.

However, even though Parramatta showed some resilience in defence to keep Brisbane scoreless during the first half, the distance between Brisbane and several tries looked to be a mere focus on controlling the ball. This was what eventuated. Parramatta never looked competitive once Brisbane stopped making mistakes. Admittedly Jarryd Hayne’s absence was crucial, but it looks like being a long season for Parramatta.

Canberra v. Melbourne

Hallelujah! It’s raining…. Storm fear

Given the persistent rain which fell during this game, the standard of play was very high. Melbourne started with two excellent tries before Canberra responded with the type of play they usually only produce against the Dragons.

However, the main feature of this game was Melbourne’s risky play despite being behind for only a few minutes in the entire game. This was best represented by Cooper Cronk frequently looking to run elaborate plays, either passing or kicking, for his teammates. These were plays Melbourne rarely runs on a dry day let alone one with persistent, heavy rain.

One can only guess why Melbourne did not want to take on the bigger Canberra pack in a low-scoring contest. Melbourne was overmatched in size but they had the major edge on Canberra in experience and intelligence, yet they played as if they were the underdog.

Canberra finally crossed half-way then finally took the lead only for Melbourne to snatch it back just a few minutes later for a 5-point win.

Penrith v. Canterbury

For the first time in history, it’s gonna start raining… Injuries

Of course there have been injuries in rugby league since forever but surely it is time for an extra player or two to be on the interchange bench, who can only be inserted into the game when a player has suffered a significant injury. These injuries just happen, no-one is to blame, yet the team which suffers (in this case, Penrith) faces a tough struggle to compete from then on.

Penrith fought bravely but several late tries to the Bulldogs (which came after more injuries in addition to Michael Gordon’s broken ankle) saw the away team finish strongly for the win.

North Queensland v. Gold Coast

Hallelujah! It’s raining…. Errors

The heavily favoured Cowbores produced the worst performance of Round 1, struggling to score nil and committing a…..Tahu…..of errors in the first half.

It is very humid in Townsville so early in the calendar year but there was no rain and the Titans kept things simple enough (to be fair, they have so little talent they can’t do things in a less simple way) so they deserved all the laughter and scorn from me that they received.

The Titans could hardly believe their luck. Scott Prince can now almost be timed with a calendar and has been on the downhill side of his career for 3 years, they signed 10 props in the off-season but no hooker, five-eighth or fullback but somehow they defeated a team with Feral Thurston and Bowen. Everyone who watched this was poorer for the experience.

New Zealand v. Manly

For the first time in history, it’s gonna start raining… A good grand final re-match

We saw this fairly often in recent years, but finally Round 1 2012 got a well-played match. Even better, it was in a grand final re-match, which so often disappoint.

Manly started brilliantly well, looking to move the ball when possible and exploiting the Warriors defence. Their first 20 minutes was top-shelf, but the Warriors responded with Shaun Johnson mesmerising Manly’s defence.

Manly looked to have won the game early in the second half but the Warriors responded again. In the end, Manly won it after an opportunistic try to Glenn Stewart.

In all, a highly entertaining game, but what have the Warriors done to deserve consecutive years of teams playing brilliantly well against them to start the season?

Wests Tigers v. Cronulla

Hallelujah! It’s raining…. Early-season heat and humidity

Leichhardt Oval is a lot like the Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal: they look great on television or on a postcard but they fill up easily, especially in peak season and it can take hours to move anywhere when this happens. Oh and there’s annoying people in the vicinity trying to sell you hot dogs, magazines or replicas of the monument.

Sunday saw the crowds flock to Leichhardt but the week’s crazy weather, which looked like producing more rain, instead provided stifling heat and humidity. When this combined with the heavy-ish track, it was hardly surprising that an outbreak of cramp hit late in the game.

While the home team started well and led most of the way, their failure to take opportunities and a bunch of second half mistakes meant Cronulla should have taken the win. Cronulla was upset by what they perceived to be a series of refereeing mistakes, but at least they have 7 days to prepare after this gruelling match. The Tigers have just five days and the challenge of Manly, who had it much easier (climate-wise).

South Sydney v. Sydney Roosters

For the first time in history, it’s gonna start raining… LOL@$50uffs

It looked to be an intriguing battle in Round 1’s final game, with Souths’ monster pack and all-round size but new-look (through injury and player turnover) ‘spine’ against the Roosters, with their settled, experienced ‘spine’ but a smaller pack of forwards.

A very similar battle took place in 2010. The Roosters won then, but this was played on a warm afternoon. Last night’s game was played in much cooler conditions, which favoured Souths, but the late withdrawal of Anasta gave the home team a greater edge.

Hilariously, Souths failed to capitalise. They were so dominant for most of the game; it seemed that almost every Souths’ run would leave the Roosters looking like nine-pins, while the Roosters struggled mightily to get any field position.

Somehow, the Roosters scored two tries from rare attacking forays but errors and needless penalties gave up field position that even Souths could not fail to score from.

Leading 20-12 with only a few minutes left, Souths stopped attacking. Rookie halfback Reynolds could have put in an attacking kick and perhaps regained possession, but instead kicked the ball hard across the dead ball line.

After a silly penalty, the Roosters scored from the next set and had one chance to win the game. Pearce’s sidesteps somehow led to an opening and Cordner’s kick through was re-gathered by Minichiello for an incredible win.

Losing after being up by 8 with only minutes remaining?

Sutton getting injured after starting a break downfield as well as losing the ball (who else could do this)?

Souths having perhaps the best player in the league at left centre but being almost incapable of getting him the ball?

Their supporters, before the game, holding up banners of the years in ancient history when Souths won premierships but which have greater resonance with people under the age of 70 as the average attendance levels for Souths during the halcyon days of the mid 1990s?

LOL@50uff$

See you next week.

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Round 26: Tuesday Roast™ Awards Night

The NRL season, under the stewardship of former lawyer David Gallop, has settled into a yearly routine which sits nicely with a sport where games can often deteriorate into lengthy periods of set of six, kick, set of six, kick and so on. In this framework, the end of Round 26 is quickly followed by the annual Dally M Awards night. Tuesday night gave us a bevy of well-dressed players, very well-dressed WAGs but also of mind-numbing structure and the same awards night structure that seemingly has been in place for about 15 years.

It doesn’t need to be this way – you can make your point heard and make a difference to this monotony! Well....you can if you run your own NRL tipping competition, complete with weekly write-up.

Anyway, it’s time for the annual Tuesday Roast™ Awards Night. The players and WAGs are just as well-dressed but the casual, mellow atmosphere of Tuesday night is set to be shattered as the more straight-shooting Tuesday Roast™ awards are read out.

The Palm Motor Inn (where Julian O'Neill notoriously "sh*t in Schlossy's shoe" in March 1999) Award for the best off-field incident

This is the most renowned of the Tuesday Roast™ awards, but season 2011 has not provided many potential nominees for this coveted award. We might have to make it an AFL award next season (when the misdemeanours covered up by subservient Victard media are considered).

The nominees for this award are:

* Todd Carney – got the most column inches but his crimes have been fairly tame. Poor guy just loves a drink...

* Nate Myles – now we’re getting warmer. A previous nominee for this award, Myles was a major influence on Todd Carney. Still, Myles lost his way after signing with the Titans for next season and beyond – it’s surprising this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often.

* Michael Jennings – lost trust of his team-mates despite being selected to the NSW State of Origin team, then turned up to an afternoon training session later in the season struggling to walk after a major drinking binge.

Not surprisingly, the winner is Michael Jennings. For a lean year in this area, our winner would rival many from years gone by.

Jennings’ Panthers completed their difficult, but not entirely surprising, 2011 with a loss in Wollongong to the Dragons. Penrith simply had too much to absorb to remain competitive in the top 8 race much longer after mid season. The Dragons, on the other hand, look to have emerged from their mid-season malaise and might well be in a position to time a run to the title.

Penrith’s fall from grace in 2011 was bad, but there was another 2010 semi-finalist whose 2011 was even worse. They had problems with their incumbents but their additions were....awful.

The Chris Walker Award for the worst off-season signing

One should never to be too quick to put an event into its place in the history books, but this award will almost certainly be renamed for season 2012. The nominees are:

* Brett White – the new starting prop and captain for the ex-Melbourne Storm who look rubbish elsewhere team.

* Blake Ferguson – left Cronulla looking for a team who could win. Left the team who hasn’t won ever for one who hasn’t played in a preliminary final since 1997 and such a dysfunctional nepotistic administrative structure that Cronulla will probably win one before them. Throw in the arrogance and the tantrums and it takes some pure AWFUL to prevent him from winning.

* Matt AWFUL – every team he has left has improved (usually markedly) after he left, he basically pulled a Sonny Bill on Bradford in late 2010, he hoodwinked his way into a three-year contract despite being broken and gave Canberra a grand sum of 6 games for 0 wins before he was ‘rested’.

Matt Orford is the worthiest winner of this award. Ever. Please return your 2008 Dally M, fraud.

Canberra’s worst season since the early 1980s mercifully concluded on Sunday when the Bulldogs launched a late comeback in a bizarre afternoon. Canterbury’s decision to sell out to Star Wars meant there was a weird vibe, with storm troopers, Princess Leias and theme music all around. Ben Barba scored another host of tries (no basketball bounces this week though) but Andrew Ryan’s late try almost resulted in a calamitous injury when he tried to recreate the concept of Luke Patten’s staged post-try celebration from last season.

Canberra is in a potential position to win the next two awards in season 2012. Well, definitely the first award:

The Darren Senter “Addition By Subtraction” award

For those not aware, Darren Senter played for Balmain and the Wests Tigers for a number of years, never getting close to a semi-final game. His hard-working but snarly and negative game was grudgingly admired by Tigers supporters but his retirement unleashed the Wests Tigers attacking juggernaut of 2005 and the club’s first premiership.

The nominees are:

* Michael Bani – the more-than-useless Cowboys winger kept stealing game appearances from far better players into the early rounds of 2011 before coach Neil Henry finally realised the error of his ways and the burgeoning talent of Fai Fai Loa.

* Todd Carney – the Roosters looked far better late in the season without his drug-addled spectre hanging around waiting for yet another chance to come back.

* Ivan Henjak – Brisbane’s coach in 2009, 2010 and much of the 2011 pre-season was, by all reports, disliked and hampering the growth of what is now a very talented, mostly young Broncos squad.

The winner is Ivan Henjak. Time will tell, but Henjak’s replacement Anthony Griffin has no obvious or distinctive coaching talents, yet Brisbane is thriving (again). Clearly, it’s not that hard to coach the dominant team in south-east Queensland.

Brisbane’s final game of the minor premiership was Darren Lockyer day and little else. Manly, as they do with everything ever, ruined this game as a spectacle due to their suspended and injured players after last week, but they played gallantly to stay in this game for some time.

The Paul Whatuira “Buy of the Year” award

Paul Whatuira, with his speed and difficult-to-tackle style plus premiership-winning experience, was the key off-season addition for the Tigers in 2005. This year’s nominees are not likely to follow in Whatuira’s footsteps but have made a profound impact on their respective teams. The nominees are:

* Jeremy Smith – people laugh at Cronulla fairly often, but the fact that they able to buy a player ANY team would have must count for something. Smith had an excellent year, although (again) suffered somewhat due to injury.

* Neville Costigan – Costigan is the hard man amongst hard men i.e. Newcastle. Strangely though, they are a somewhat fragile team collectively despite being full of hard heads like Costigan, Hilder, Edwards and De Gois. Wayne Bennett will be happy to coach Costigan again next year after missing him badly in 2011.

* Dallas Johnson – there were concerns Johnson might vie for a spot on the ex-Melbourne Storm team of players who suck elsewhere, but clearly his body and his concussion-addled brain still had at least another excellent season in them. Feral Thurston would have loved some more guts in the pack like Johnson after the Cowbores have sucked so bad since 2005.

The winner is Dallas Johnson. Even if the Cowboys go out in Week 1 of the finals, the additions of Johnson and Glenn Hall were brilliant additions to a team which always has talent but rarely delivers.

The draw somewhat unfairly sent the Cowbores to Auckland in the season’s last round, but the Cowbores gave a strong account of themselves after a scratchy last month. With that said, they lost to two Krisnan Inu tries – not a great thing to put on the CV.

The final two player awards are both named after halfbacks from the Hunter, who had vastly different career paths.

The Andrew Johns “One Man Team” award

It’s been a few years now, but Newcastle fell apart whenever Johns was injured. It still amazes that Danny Buderus is held in high regard despite his inability to do anything without Johns. The nominees for today’s Johns are:

* Feral Thurston – he was not the one-man-team he quite was in previous years, with Little Matty Bowen™ having some excellent games with Feral out injured.

* Michael Ennis – the Bulldogs’ season never really got back on track after Ennis missed some games with injury/representative duty. His injury eventually saw the other Bulldogs learn to play without him, but it took quite some time and cost the Bulldogs a top 8 spot.

* Paul Gallen – once (still) a grub but now a superhuman forward, Gallen played this role for Cronulla but also New South Wales. People laughed when he named prop for State of Origin 2, but to play a full game in that position, with little prop help on the team, was almost unprecedented, certainly in the modern day.

The winner clearly is Paul Gallen. Interesting to note that each of these players are considered amongst the more irritating players in the NRL. Can we conclude ‘grubbiness’ is just misplaced effort??

Another season with some bright wins but more tough losses ended on the latter for Cronulla on Saturday night. The Tigers looked vulnerable after 7 mostly easy wins but a few dubious refereeing decisions and some Robbie Farah desire saw the Tigers stumble across the line.

The Michael Witt Award for the worst drop-kick/field goal attempt

In 2004, Michael Witt sent supporters of the game into rapturous laughter with a line drop-out at Penrith which, while attempting to loft the kick just across the 10 metre line and win back possession, ended up returning back across the goal line and finished up in-touch in-goal. The nominees for this award are:

* Chris Sandow – Sandow is an excellent field-goal kicker, but his premature celebration after kicking several late-game (but not that late) field goals which were then superseded by opposition tries gave supporters many laughs.

(Speaking of Souths and humour, I hope everyone enjoyed Souths’ second-straight calamitous effort when presented with a win-and-you’re-in game in the final round of the season. Surely the funniest moment was after Newcastle jumped to a 76476476-nil lead after 20 minutes, the Channel 9 cameras cut to the “LOL@50uffs” signs in the crowd)

* Jamal Idris – his first and surely only drop kick came with a line drop-out against the Warriors. He held the ball like he’d never thought about attempting a drop-kick then slipped over in the kicking motion. It would take some effort to beat this.

* Jason Ryles – some forwards have kicked field goals before (Nathan Cayless and Ian Hindmarsh come to mind) but Ryles’ attempt to win the game from 40 metres out against Souths – followed by finger-pointing and shouting between various Roosters – was almost a season highlight. The kick itself wasn’t that bad, but the fact this long-time target of hilarity was in the wrong place at the wrong time....Champagne comedy!

The Roosters completed a very good end of season run in an entertaining win over a deliberately under-strength Melbourne team. Rumours have long swirled about the Roosters and betting in late-season, unimportant fixtures and the way the Roosters celebrated and the way the money flowed for the Roosters with the points start..............

The Tuesday Roast™ awards end with the two team awards.

The Luke Carroll & Anthony Prince ("Dumb and Dumber") award

Carroll & Prince were young Australian men living in Vail, Colorado in 2005, when they decided to rob their local bank. Balaclavas may have hidden their appearance, but their distinctive Australian accents meant their identity was well known to employees of the bank and they were easily apprehended.

The nominees for stupidity in the NRL in 2011 include:

* Gold Coast Titans – sadly the Titans aged before our eyes, going from premiership threat to basket-case in months. However, their stupid signings for 2012, loading up in positions where they remain strong and not buying anyone in the important spine positions, should ensure the Titans remain near the cellar next season.

* Canberra – two words: Matt Awful. But this is not the Dally Ms so we need another team to win this award.

* South Sydney – somehow this team, who has had to suffer through John Sutton’s inconsistency and one-in-eight game glimpses of talent for close to a decade, chose to re-sign Sutton and allow the more talented, harder to replace Chris Sandow to leave the club. Sandow responded by having a brilliant second half of the season. Sutton will, almost certainly, tease Souths with some excellent games but ultimately disappoint. A lot like Souths themselves really.

Well done to 50uffs – for many supporters, seeing the Rabbitohs get close but (again) fail to make the finals made their season. It never gets old either!

Finally, appropriately, the last award to the team that finished last.

The Western Suburbs Magpies 1999 “Worst Team in the NRL” award

The nominees are:

* Sydney Roosters – who had a disgraceful middle 12 rounds, where they couldn’t score in a brothel and were not even remotely entertaining.

* Canberra – they lifted against the Dragons but sucked against almost every other team in every other match. Would have been worthy winners of the spoon in almost any other year, except for

* Gold Coast – the Titans were somewhat unfortunate to suffer mightily with injury (although it was hard not to laugh at Clinton Toopi’s injury – vertigo. It sounds like an injury Michael Hagan would have – actually, it was. Couldn’t they have made something up that sounded remotely like a footy injury?) but they aged rapidly during 2011 and were deserving winners of the wooden spoon. Were it not for horrendously lucky wins against the Dragons and Raiders, they would have threatened the mighty Magpies’ points total from 1999.

Well done to the Titans, Parramatta certainly did not deserve the wooden spoon.

That brings an end to the tipping season of 2011 and the tipping competition under its current structure (for obvious reasons). Thanks for your patronage and hope you enjoyed the competition.

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