Round 11: Back Door Benny’s Politically Incorrect Roast

“They are so cocky, they are so confident, they believe that they’re bullet-proof and uh I can assure there’s something coming up there, you know, they’re going to make these floods back in Queensland days look like an absolute mimic when it comes to us coming up there cause we’re going to certainly put out a massive storm. Go the Blues!”

After a few years out of the media spotlight – one can only imagine why – former NSW and Balmain hooker Ben Elias came back with a bang late last week, infuriating Queenslanders and befuddling New South Wales supporters and linguists alike.

There seems no other option than to throw the floor open to Benny and let him provide the weekly recap on Round 11 and last night’s Origin game. Take it away, Benny.

“Cheers, Les and let me just start by saying it’s great news to hear that World Sports is back on the box. Round 11, the mercury’s frosting up on the grass in the morning, Origin footy is fast approaching… gotta say, I love this time of year more than a Pommy’s bath towel!

But it is a bit of a problem for the game that we have these split rounds where the Origin players can’t play. I’ve thought about this for a few times now and I’ve gotta say, David Gallen, this is where we need decisions from the top of the perch. The honcho head, the magilla gorilla. Gallen has to think about the players’ welfare here and not just bend over and touch his toes for the TV networks you know? I think we really need Origin on its own on a weekend. A Sunday, at Leichhardt Oval, imagine the atmosphere. I reckon that will really rate the house, really high interest rate. Interest rates, haha, now I sound like Darren Kochie!

But yeh, the games weren’t so great in Round 11, but there was a few big upsets, starting on Friday night at the foot of the nation’s capital, Bruce’s Stadium, where the Raiders sent the Doggies supporters back to their mums’ Haloumi with their tails all messed up with their legs. It was a bit funny though, every time I saw the game, the Doggies were attacking but they just couldn’t score so I was a bit shocked. The Doggies’ halves, Hodgkinson and Paul Keating, they’ve been talked up a bit but they froze in the headlights.

Meanwhile, the Raiders took their chances and had a 16-blot lead. Unbelievable! They couldn’t win a game for months and now Melbourne and Canterbury in one go. The Dogs did come back and almost made a game of it, but young Jason Croker slotted the penalty goal to make it an 8-point win.

On to Saturday night now and what would have been the highlight of the round for me watching the mighty Tigers play almost turned to disaster thanks to Penrith. The Tiges went in for a few early tries but the three Lukes – Walsh, Lewis and Rooney – were on fire. Mazda Iosefa even scored a try, you never seen that and when you little beaut Lachlan Coote went over, it looked like icing on the curtains for the Tiges.

But somehow they hung around. You’ve never seen a team drop the ball so much, you swear they…I dunno….had mixed soap and butter up, put it on their hands and the ball then went out to play. Not good coaching from the master coach Timmy Sheens, who I think is still secretly reading the books at Penrith. You know what they say, you can take the boy out of Penrith but you can’t take the boy to Penrith, especially now he’s a man and an old one at that.

But yeh, the Tiges were a show when Benji picked up the loose ball and sprinted away for the try, then it seemed like they had snuck off and got some sort of antidote to that butter and soap stuff, swallowed it whole, got into a phone booth and were like the old Tigers. Robbie Farah set up young Brown and the Tiges had the lead which they held on to despite Benji almost throwing an intercept in the last minute. I can tell you, Timmy’s heart would have been beating in his mouth, then would have gone up and tore some hairs out on that one.

On Sunday, I was looking forward to this one, the entertaining Warriors were up against Mario’s Bunnies (boo hiss boo). After starting slower than a turtle going slowly for a whole week, the Warriors have been on fire lately with the likes of Locky, Bony Moloney and Christopher Inu all starring. But Souths have been going alright, sneaking up teams with a…quieting you never see at this level and winning despite a horrif…horric…a really bad injury toll.

In the end, there was plenty of entertainment for everyone but the scoreboard operator who was left sitting on his thumbs for most of the time. The Warriors could have scored a hundred tries but blew most of them, with Christopher Inu mostly responsible. In the meanwhile, Souths hung around and when Max Merritt put Wesser over, Souths had a great chance. Their big props, Norman Ross, Sharyn McPherson and Dave “Taylor” Taylor took it up strong but it was too many mistakes from them as well. Still a good game and well earned win to the Warriors. Sucked in Mario!"

Now it’s time for a short break, we will be back soon.

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“Thanks Les, and the match of the day on Sunday was out at headquarters where the Chooks played Newcastle. What a bludger of a game this was, dead set! The Chooks tried hard but have got nothing going for them at the moment, although the injuries didn’t help. Too many of their salt guys are hurt, so the pepper boys are giving it a dig. You know the ones, Tassie, Mossy, Soy, New Nick Scali….I’ve probably got them wrong, but I think Brian Smith’s got it wrong as well. Look back at the great teams of the past, you know, Gasnier, Raper, Changa….there’s no Loolooai or doing a Poo amongst them is there? Ok ok, I’ve sailed off on a tangent then said my bit on a gravy box here, I’ll shut up now.

But seriously Newcastle, they just don’t care. You don’t have to be Ironstein to know that with Wayne Bennett coming in next season, most of these guys know they’re on borrowed ice and the dealer’s getting restless for his cash and they’ll going to have to find a new dealer next season, or at least a new team if they want to keep their careers afloating. The only ones who could hold their head were Hilder, Costington but mostly Matty Utai who I swear played for the Tigers on Saturday night. I know I’m not the full quid but I swear I wasn’t hearing things!

Anyway, the Chooks held on just in the end when Wes Karate missed the goal and Newcastle did nothing with the ball in the last minutes.

On Monday night, I was looking forward to seeing how Jarryd Hayne would go. Would he be Hayne Plane, Hayne Train, Hayne Wane or Hayne Rain? Hahahaha did you like that one? Yep I did it myself, spent a few hours on Goggle looking them up.

In the end, Hayne went alright but Cronulla, who are pretty shallow when it comes to cattle anyway, was missing way too many. Gallen, the older Jeremy Smith brother and Craig Snowden were the main misses. Parra did it simple but effective, Jeff Robinson, Burt Luke (Issac’s brother) and Craigy McGuire all had storming games for Parra, who won easily.

But then it was the big game of the round, the big banana, the big mo-hito. The big cheese, yep ORIGIN!.........”

Sadly, Benny got a bit too excited as New South Wales stormed (whoops) back into the game and threatened a rare win, so couldn’t complete this roundup. Early on, it looked like more of the same as Queensland scored easily, but more disturbingly for New South Wales, also had the better of their opposition physically. But New South Wales hung tough and looked better as the game went on thanks to a fearless attitude and Queensland missing some star power and some depth.

Queensland was somewhat fortunate to extend their lead to double figures but eventually New South Wales crossed the line then snatched the lead. However, as Queensland always seems to do, they not only scored when they needed to but scored the final try of the game. Unfortunately the final try didn’t fall to Darren Lockyer (at $21), but Lockyer played a key role, setting up Billy Slater.

See you next week.